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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Friday Love Letters: Dear Olivia Newton-John
Dear Olivia Newton-John, Do any of your friends and family call you ONJ? I do. When you talk about someone so much, it becomes laborious to say the entire name Olivia Newton-John. Like when my wife and I were enjoying a date night last week, and I was thinking of you, and said to my […]
Posted in: Love Letters
Splitsville for Jennifarc
July 21, 2011
If Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony can’t make marriage work, what hope do the rest of us have? The couple hasn’t given a reason for the split, but my insider source says Marc Anthony was bitter that the media never gave them a catchy couples name like when Jennifer was together with Ben Affleck and […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Dear Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
In response to overwhelming popular demand by two or three readers, Wednesdays will be devoted to an advice column in which I’ll fix your problems with the assistance of a guest panelist. Today’s guest panelist will be my personal assistant, Ken. Ken was selected because I haven’t had time to find anyone good. You wouldn’t […]
Posted in: Dear Good Greatsby
Have Water, Will Travel
July 19, 2011
What’s the first thing you pack when taking a trip? My wife and kids leave on a trip to the US tomorrow. My seven-year-old, The Fonz, asked if his mom would help him pack a bag, although he specified, “but no clothes.” His mom asked him what he planned to pack if not clothes and […]
Posted in: Family
A Trip Down Memory Lane
July 18, 2011
If you ask for directions to my home I’ll always tell you to turn onto my street from the main road on the east. I would never tell you to take the road from the west because I can’t remember the street name, even though I’ve lived here for six years. Scientists believe Internet […]
Posted in: Family
Weekend Sampler
July 16, 2011
Yesterday I heard Optimist Prime shout out to his little brother, The Fonz, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?” The Fonz was on a different floor and shouted back, “Where are you?” I said to The Fonz, “Here’s a rule of thumb you can use the rest of your life: If someone shouts for […]
Posted in: Columns
Greatsby Solves the Debt Crisis
July 15, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard the US government is in the midst of heated negotiations to raise the debt ceiling. The government must raise the total amount it can borrow in order to meet its obligations by August 2 or the government won’t be able to make payments on some debts, and China will foreclose and repossess […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Sorting Hat, Please, Please Don’t Put Me In Hufflepuff!
July 14, 2011
If you’ve been a long-time reader, perhaps you remember my post, How to Tease Your Kids, extolling my love for teasing. If I ever lose my love for teasing, my love for my children will likely soon follow. If I couldn’t tease them, I’d probably be a lot less interested in parenting, which is why […]
Posted in: Family
Shallow End of the Gene Pool
July 13, 2011
A US company is marketing a DNA test for children that promises to determine whether your infant has the potential to be a star athlete. The test searches for the presence of the ACT3N gene which has been linked to athletic ability in one previous study. Critics suggest possessing one particular gene provides very little […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Americans Greet New Obesity Statistics with Literal Heavy Hearts
July 12, 2011
Last week two health groups released a study showing United States obesity had risen in sixteen states and fallen in none. I read multiple articles on the discouraging trend, and I made an effort to click on and therefore reward articles that attempted to make the headline a play on words like “U.S. Obesity Numbers […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Fresh Fish: From Fish Bowl to Toilet Bowl
July 11, 2011
Our goldfish, Aunt Agatha, recently died after a two day battle with floatsidewaysitis. (Note: If you name your goldfish Aunt Agatha or Uncle Fred, you can use their deaths to get out of social engagements. “I can’t come to your son’s bar mitzvah because Aunt Agatha died. The children aren’t handling it well at well. […]
Posted in: Columns
Sunday Appetizers
July 10, 2011
Our seven-year-old, The Fonz, asked his mom, “If you had a zillion dollars would you spend it all on make-up?” She laughed but never answered. I assume she’s still thinking about it. ….. My wife said she needed a new philosophy for dealing with people because she felt she was too much of a pushover. […]
Posted in: Columns
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