Yesterday I heard Optimist Prime shout out to his little brother, The Fonz, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
The Fonz was on a different floor and shouted back, “Where are you?”
I said to The Fonz, “Here’s a rule of thumb you can use the rest of your life: If someone shouts for you to bring him toilet paper, it’s a pretty safe bet that person is on the toilet.”
I turned out to be right. I’d make a good detective.
My oldest son isn’t mentioned as frequently as his little brother because he’s outgrown the childhood phase in which he talks complete nonsense. Last month I shared a story where The Fonz and I were playing video games, and in frustration he shouted, “It’s time for Jurassic measures!” Optimist Prime is older and less likely to mistake “drastic” and “Jurassic”, but when he was four years old we were wrestling and hitting each other with pillows, and he shouted, “I’m gonna hit you with a sack of tragedy!”
If someone tells you they’re going to “hit you with a sack of tragedy,” your first instinct is to laugh. Your second instinct is to consider the chances this person might actually have a sack of tragedy. I knew the odds were unlikely my son possessed a literal sack of tragedy, but I wasn’t taking any chances and backed down. We rarely wrestle anymore because I fear provoking him.
I won’t be able to post tomorrow because I scheduled the entire day for polishing my medals. The caption contest winner will still be announced tomorrow, so don’t forget to cancel all your plans and spend the next twenty-four hours voting.
I found a shoe with the name Chris Beckman written inside. If anyone knows Chris Beckman, tell him to send me the other shoe.
I look a bit ridiculous wearing just one. When people on the street laugh at me, I can only answer, “If you think I look funny, just imagine how Chris Beckman looks.”
Not one person ever laughed when I suggested they consider the image of Chris Beckman wearing one shoe. I assume it’s because they didn’t know Chris Beckman. I insisted, “You’d find that hilarious if you knew Chris Beckman.” One guy asked me to tell him more about Chris so he get some context to find the image funny, but I fumbled for words when I remembered I didn’t know him either.