Last week two health groups released a study showing United States obesity had risen in sixteen states and fallen in none. I read multiple articles on the discouraging trend, and I made an effort to click on and therefore reward articles that attempted to make the headline a play on words like “U.S. Obesity Numbers Continue to Swell”, “Big, Big Problem”, and “Obesity Trend Needs Trimming”. By and large I was disappointed journalists missed a great opportunity to creatively take us to task via headlines, and I was forced to create my own alternatives:
Americans Greet New Obesity Statistics with Literal Heavy Hearts
Doctors Agree Super-sized Americans Not So Super
Obesity a Heavy Hitter in America’s Health Game
Americans Tip, Possibly Break Scales
Waist Lines Expand, Belts Buckle Under Obesity Pressure
America’s Obesity Cup Runneth Over
American’s Receive King Size Diagnosis
Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me–Americans are Bigger than Ever
Americans Discouraged by Obesity Figures, Drown Sorrows in Ranch Dressing
Government Officials Greet Obesity Figures with Wringing of Plump Hands
Americans Miss Weight Loss Targets by Wide Margin
Unflattering Obesity Figures Indicative of Unflattering Figures
Government Economists Regret Americans are not Worth Their Weight in Gold
Note: These statistics were compiled before the USDA replaced the food pyramid icon with the My Plate icon, a move experts expect may either reverse weight loss trends or much more likely be greeted by a collective shrug. Read my review of the change in icons here: Food Pyramid We Hardly Knew Ye
The Good Greatsby 
misswhiplash
July 12, 2011
Me thinks that it is a World Wide Problem..too many fast food out-lets
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
Good one. It’s getting worse just about everywhere. It just so happens America is leading the charge. If we could only get Australia to pull ahead of us.
gmom
July 12, 2011
The ultrdumbing down of America, the My Plate. Can you spell bullXXt.
I’m just waiting for Mrs Obamamarat to go on air with a big fat magic marker and paper plate so all us dumb folk kin undertand what this plate icon is all about.
Eat less meat fools!
But whatever.The country is going to hell in in a handbasket.
Glynis Sylvia
July 13, 2011
Perhaps the country is indeed going to hell in a handbasket, but it’ll be an awfully heavy basket!
savesprinkles1234
July 12, 2011
Your headlines are funny, but true. I live in a state that leads the nation in obesity. Children aren’t supposed to be as wide as they are tall! It seems that moms and dads in my state have replaced the fruit and vegetable servings on “My Plate” with Slim Jims and Doritoes!
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
Kind of discouraging, but nothing seems to be working. I was expecting the numbers to go down with all the emphasis on changes in diet the last few years.
georgettesullins
July 12, 2011
Sadly, all your statements are true. I have thought a couple of times Paul Johnson is a modern day Ben Franklin satirically commenting on our times…but then the difference stops there, even BF was rather portly unlike PJ.
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
I’m flattered. I also hope to some day be on the $100 bill.
Lenore Diane
July 12, 2011
I love the headline posts. These are great. If I had more coffee in my system, I might be able to throw one or two clever headlines your way. Alas, I’m bogged down by the weight of the morning grog.
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
Do you take your coffee with four creams and five sugars?
Lenore Diane
July 12, 2011
I take it black – like my men.
modestypress
July 12, 2011
As I struggled with my food addiction (eventually losing 40 pounds and getting my doctor to smile at me again), I thought, ‘What a strange addiction. No one needs alcohol or pot or cocaine to live, so going ‘cold turkey’ while painful is rarely fatal. But no one can go without eating for all that long without dying for their diet.”
Anyway, he’s not heavy, he’s my blogger…
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
We’ve got thousands of years of brain chemistry telling us food is scarce and to eat every chance we get and most of those chances required a massive exertion of energy and burning of calories. Now we have companies with billion dollar research and development teams dedicating to finding the smells, the chemicals, the colors, the advertising, and the proximity that can overcome any conscious resolve we may have to ignore our chemistry telling us to eat whenever possible.
jacquelincangro
July 12, 2011
Obesity Is Wide-Reaching Problem in US.
Belt Buckles Busting Around America.
I like the alliteration of that last one. 🙂
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
The mainstream media has missed the tragic side-story of all the belts buckled by obesity.
thoughtsappear
July 12, 2011
“Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me–Americans are Bigger than Ever”—This one’s my fav!
The Good Greatsby
July 13, 2011
My wife liked that one because she’s a big fan of the NPR show.
EllieAnn
July 12, 2011
Americans tip, possibly break scales made me laugh! Newspapers should definitely be asking your advice on headlines.
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
I think so, too. Is there a job for someone who doesn’t actually write the articles or even come into work, but you can call him and he makes your headlines better?
EllieAnn
July 13, 2011
Yes, they’re called Headline Consultants and they make a huge amount of money and free travel. Sounds like a great job.
pearlsandprose
July 13, 2011
Copy editors. Another dying breed.
Amanda Hoving
July 12, 2011
I can’t read very well around my massive belly, but I’m sure your headlines rock.
The Good Greatsby
July 13, 2011
Experts haven’t realized massive bellies are preventing Americans from being able to see all the health advice experts are giving.
Lunar Euphoria
July 12, 2011
Love it! My favorite: Waist Lines Expand, Belts Buckle Under Obesity Pressure
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
Won’t anyone think of those poor, poor, belts?
She.Is.Just.A.Rat
July 12, 2011
“Americans Discouraged by Obesity Figures, Drown Sorrows in Ranch Dressing”
Lemme guess…The Onion!
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
Actually I wrote all of these, but I wouldn’t mind some ranch dressing with The Onion.
She.Is.Just.A.Rat
July 12, 2011
Yes of course…but you wrote it for use by The Onion, no? 😉
Byron MacLymont
July 12, 2011
And yet we also lead the way in eating disorders and body-image obsession. We are indeed a weird country.
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
USA! USA! USA!
thelifeofjamie
July 12, 2011
Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me–Americans are Bigger than Ever- this is my favorite. You should call Time and Newsweek and suggest your titles- you could revitalize them! You could be the Tiger Woods of the news magazine world (hopefully with out the cheating bastard part)
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
I think people read articles based on the headlines more than ever. All of these headlines would have attracted more interest.
Ahmnodt Heare
July 12, 2011
“Weight a minute! America Losing Battle of the Bulge” I have lost 70 pounds in the last year. The secret to the weight loss for me was to burn more calories than I consume.
The Good Greatsby
July 12, 2011
Slow down–I’m not sure I understand this burning more calories than you consume concept.
Emmy
July 13, 2011
It’s so sad that the media has misled people to think that it’s about fast food or people’s activity levels. It’s actually more about pollution and a change in our bacterial gut flora, believe it or not! Or so says David Allison’s study.
http://rspb.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/278/1712/1626
From Newsweek: “With colleagues, he scrutinized the weight histories of 24 populations, from alley rats in Baltimore to lab macaques in California and even control groups of mice in federal toxicology studies. In a paper to be published in Proceedings of the Royal Society B (for biology), they report that in 23 of the 24—eight species, 20,000-plus animals—the percentage of obese individuals has risen since the 1940s (or since the oldest records they found). The odds of that happening by chance are 8 million to 1. And since neither feral rats nor lab chimps nor any of the others have cut back on phys ed or patronized vending machines more, says Allison, we need to look for explanations beyond the Big Two”.
The Good Greatsby
July 13, 2011
I think we’re learning a lot of the advice we were given isn’t very useful. For thirty years the government identified fatty foods as the enemy because if people were too fat then they should obviously eat less fat, but it turns out many fats are good for us and make us feel full, preventing us from eating too much.
Emmy
July 14, 2011
Omega 3s are found in good fats and reduce inflammation = may help prevent cancer. It’s the sugar that’s bad, and aritificial junk that’s worse. We may have killed off our good gut bacteria (which may be related to why people who eat yogurt are thinner than those who don’t). Avoiding plastic, and other pollutants may help. Also surprising: more sleep = less obesity. Which shows that we forget to factor in hormonal disruption from things like pollution and lack of sleep. On average, humans and other animals may have simply passed on obesity genes, but there is plenty we can do. It’s a combination of many more things than people realize and I’m tired of hearing people complain about those who are overweight. We should be angry at companies who create toxic atmospheres.
torcon1
July 13, 2011
I really wish I could comment but this typing is very fatiguing due to my lack of exerci……
Glynis Sylvia
July 13, 2011
HAhahhaahahaaaaa!!!!!
The Good Greatsby
July 13, 2011
This post took me one week to type because I had to take a one hour break and have my fingers massaged between each headline.
Bridgesburning Chris King
July 13, 2011
I think journalists missed the opportunity because obesity decreases production of the creative headline hormone!
The Good Greatsby
July 13, 2011
That’s my theory as well. I get that means I’m in better shape than I thought.
Renee Schuls-Jacobson
July 13, 2011
As a teacher at the college level and the mother to one son, I can tell you our kids spend a boatload of time sitting on their asses in front of screens (kind of like us, bloggers) and they are becoming more and more sedentary.
They leave their screens to eat some pre-processed shizz from the pantry and then head back to their screen of choice. If people stepped away from their screens, well… crap, we’d lose our readers. Nevermind.
spilledinkguy
July 13, 2011
I’ve always had the opposite problem.
I think I’m starting to get hungry, though…
🙂
HoaiPhai
July 13, 2011
How about a headline something along the lines of “Shifting Obesity Norms Now Peg Rosie O’Donnell as Svelte”?
pegoleg
July 13, 2011
Snacking Citizens Send Soft & Saggy Statistics Soaring!
Gemma Sidney
July 13, 2011
Yeah yeah yeah… But isn’t ranch dressing worth it?
Cordelia
July 13, 2011
As someone who used to be a server at an upscale Brazilian-themed all-you-can eat meat establishment, I heartily offer a fist-pump to this post.
You might even say that watching triple-bipass candidates double-fist garlic butter steak bites while squelching down boneless chicken legs whole was my 9-11. Not something I’ll easily forget.
gojulesgo
July 13, 2011
This post title might be one of my favs of yours, and that’s saying something! You’re hilarious. (Sorry I can’t be clever on this comment. I skipped my pre-dinner fried Oreos.)
Binky
July 13, 2011
Heavier, but happier. You can’t have everything.
Kim
July 13, 2011
Dang… I guess I’ll go exercise… 😦
brittany220
July 13, 2011
Creative headline posts! Yeah, obesity is a big problem (literally), but at least it seems like more people are starting to become aware of that and are trying to eat healthier and exercise more. The food addictions make it harder for some too, I was just watching “Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition” last night and a guy that was about 500 pounds was losing the weight at first, but then once he was left on his own without the trainer he gained it back and more. It was really sad, he really just couldn’t control himself so the trainer on the show actually wasn’t able to help him. He has to go to rehab to work out some of his underlying issues first and work on his addiction. Food addiction is worse than a lot of substance addictions.
Laura
July 13, 2011
This was just what I needed after a long day — some light reading about a heavy subject.
souldipper
July 13, 2011
Perhaps author Kevin Trudeau needs to have his gag removed so we’ll all be better educated about the noxious chemicals that have ended up in the produce we so trustfully buy from our grocery stores.
Ape No. 1
July 13, 2011
Don’t count us Aussies out yet. We have overtaken you Americans before in the big gut stakes and I am sure that we can do it again. You’ll see. BWAHAHAHAHA!!
A – U – S – A – U – S !! (could have sworn I just shouted out USA … weird)
gerknoop
July 13, 2011
All these witty comments are just weighing to heavy on me….it makes me wanna go eat something.
Todd Pack
July 13, 2011
What, you’d rather we ate coissants and scones? You want to make this like Europe? We’re Americans! We eat American food! USA … USA … (catches breath) US… Hang on. I gotta sit down.
Alaina Mabaso
July 13, 2011
Has anyone else noticed that the scale the woman is standing on in the title image of this blog seems be reading 100 pounds? If that is obese, we’re all in a lot more trouble than we thought…
writerwoman61
July 14, 2011
“Government Officials Greet Obesity Figures with Wringing of Plump Hands” is my favourite, Paul!
How about: “More Americans are Upsizing”?
Wendy
ajg
July 20, 2011
“Patriotic chants of USA! USA! drowned out by BLT! BLT!”
The map on NPR’s health blog makes it look like there was a Fatomic Bomb in Mississippi and the victims at the epicenter have migrated across the country.
Also has a great double meaning headline, but I doubt they meant it.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/07/19/138513138/latest-figures-on-obesity-paint-an-uglier-picture