Dear Mr. Paul Johnson,
Thank you so much for writing me about your book project. I carefully consider each query I receive, and I’m sorry to say that yours isn’t a perfect fit for me. I do appreciate that you wrote to me and wish you the very best luck finding the ideal agent for your work.
Best regards,
Alison
It pains me to write this letter. So much so that I can’t even bear to look at the page or use both hands.
Dear Alison,
Thank you so much for your reply regarding my book project. I carefully consider each rejection I receive, and I’m sorry to say that yours isn’t a perfect fit for me. I do appreciate that you wrote to me and wish you the very best luck finding a different writer to reject.
I’m looking forward to working together.
Paul
The Unfazed Writer at Work.
Dear Paul,
Unfortunately, I do not feel that I could be the best advocate for your work. Please keep in mind that mine is a subjective business, and an idea or story to which one agent does not respond may well be met with great enthusiasm by another, and I encourage you to continue writing to agents.
Best Regards,
Alison
It’s not personal.
Dear Alison,
Are you certain you’re not experiencing ‘great enthusiasm’? ‘Enthusiasm’ is a subjective business. You may believe you’re experiencing only moderate enthusiasm, but is it possible your ‘moderate’ feeling might be rated ‘great’ by other agents? How can we ever truly know what another human is feeling? Is it possible you possess a greater capacity for enthusiasm than the general population? Might you be an enthusiasm outlier?
And even if you are not an enthusiasm outlier and are genuinely experiencing ‘moderate enthusiasm,’ is moderate enthusiasm anything to sniff at? A lot of marriages have survived decades on much less.
I look forward to working with you.
Paul
Writing enthusiasm trumps writing ability.
Paul,
It appears I must be direct. I did not experience even moderate enthusiasm for your book project. I did not enjoy reading it on any level. I will not be representing your book.
Alison
It’s not personal. But it’s getting there.
Dear Alison,
You didn’t enjoy reading it? Well I didn’t enjoy writing it. And my dearth of enjoyment lasted 300 hours. If I can withstand 300 hours of writing misery there must be a market of readers who can withstand a mere 10 hours of reading misery.
Let’s think outside the box. If every agent is searching for new books readers will love, you could easily make your name as the agent for books readers will hate. Alison could be the first name in bad books. Like exercise and vegetables, sometimes the things we hate can be beneficial. Could my book be the broccoli of book projects?
Of course I’m not opposed to taking life’s broccoli with a side of lemon butter. If there are specific parts of the book you don’t like, I’m fine with you changing those parts into something you do like. If the ‘parts’ of the book you don’t like add up to be all of the parts, I’m fine with you substituting a better book in its entirety for my book. As long as I get a check and my name is on the cover I’ll be satisfied.
Paul
Alison?
…
If you enjoyed my rejection rejection template, you might also enjoy my ransom letter template in this post: We Have Your Ransom Note! If You Ever Want to See Your Ransom Note Again, Do Exactly As We Say!
Lots of readers have found this ransom note template helpful. At least once a day I get a search from somebody researching ‘How to write a ransom note’. Seriously.
The Good Greatsby 
Vanessa-Jane Chapman
November 2, 2016
Well, this is pure genius. It’s a template I wish I had had on many occasions. I also love that you get searches landing on your page from people wanting to know how to actually write ransom notes, eek! I have a post on my blog which is about making fudge (I specifically wrote that post because a previous humorous tale I had recounted which included mentioning homemade fudge not setting was getting so many hits from people wanting to know how to actually make fudge), so (and I’m sorry I started this now because it’s going on a bit, but I may as well finish), I wrote the second post about making fudge to provide some actual useful info that was lacking in the first post, and that second fudge post gets many hits every day, even though it’s about three years old now (don’t worry, I’m nearly at the end), but the search terms that lead to that post are sometimes really disturbing, like one was “Can Vanessa really harden my fudge for me.” (There, I’m done).
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
Ha. That’s hilarious. I used to do these Google search term posts that tried to imagine the story behind some of the weird terms I was getting. It’s like getting a tiny snippet into some stranger’s offbeat thinking.
marymtf
November 2, 2016
I can imagine some types giving a double meaning to fudge, Vanessa, but what about Seriously Seeking Grannies which is what I used to call my blog. I got only one granny visiting and lots of undesirables till,I changed my blog name. 🙃
Vanessa-Jane Chapman
November 2, 2016
Yeah, you’ve got to think about what you attract with the words you use!
nicolesundays
November 2, 2016
I found this post incredibly clever and enjoyable! I can’t wait to not use this template in real life on account of my surprisingly thin skin. Also, one search term that I remember: “rabbit lazy and now surprisingly dead.”
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
I have to ask what post did ‘rabbit lazy and surprisingly dead’ link to?
nicolesundays
November 7, 2016
It might’ve been my post about my dead rabbit, which I guess was a surprise. I can’t imagine the relevance, though.
Go Jules Go
November 2, 2016
I think “The Broccoli of Books” has incredible title potential. Maybe you could even make it out of recycled vegetables and advertise it with taglines like, “This book STINKS!”
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
That’s a brilliant idea, though for legal reasons I need to be clear I’m the sole owner of any ideas we come up with together.
When Stories Attack
November 2, 2016
Did you get a response back? If not it’s a real shame, because your pitch in the final letter is really something I could get behind. She should replace your book with Harry Potter! Think of the thousands of purchases you could get! You’re welcome for that idea by the way, I don’t want anything for it besides my name on the cover and all the profits.
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
When you say it’s something you can get behind, are you suggesting you’re an agent of some sort? If so, I reluctantly accept your offer. Now where’s my money?
The Guat
November 2, 2016
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. I LOVE this! I’m rolling over here as I read it. I feel I fall under the great enthusiasm bunch. Enthusiasm. I loved that paragraph and don’t see how anyone can feel moderate about anything you write. This was awesome. I can’t wait for your next template
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
I’ll give you Alison’s email address and you can offer your services as an enthusiasm second opinion. It’s important to broaden your enthusiasm perspective.
Rachael Corbin
November 2, 2016
*Laughs forever*
Although, I believe the Broccoli of Books already exists. It’s called The Magus lol.
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
Awww, snap! Take that, John Fowles. I’ve never read The Magus and your ‘endorsement’ won’t change that.
gerknoop
November 2, 2016
LOL! I’m sending your blog link to my brother (he is a published writer) and hilarious like you! He will LOVE this! He wrote “Cash Out” http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13623919-cash-out and now a new one called “The Bob Watson” I think you’d appreciate his humor! This was a hilarious (as always) post!
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
If your brother has published two books that means he’s hogging more than his fair share of the acceptance letters. No wonder there are so few of them going around.
I looked up Cash Out. Sounds fun. I’ll look for it.
Kate Crimmins
November 2, 2016
This takes rejection to a new level!
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
That’s what I was going for. I hope Alison feels the same way.
fishducky
November 2, 2016
I think you should have said “I reject your rejection!!)
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
I’ll use that in the next draft if I hear back from Alison.
marymtf
November 2, 2016
I had a friendly magazine editor for years who took most of my article submissions. When he left, the magazine changed their format and I got a rejection letter saying the loved my piece but it no longer suited their style. It was heartbreaking.
What’s that saying about life giving you lemons? You made good lemonade, Paul. Good one.
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
I can imagine that must have been very disappointing. I worked for Time Out Shanghai magazine for a few years and I had two columns in every issue. I definitely got spoiled in never having to ever pitch anything.
marymtf
November 5, 2016
Criminy, two regular columns. I’m going a pale shade of green.
Jackie Cangro
November 2, 2016
Personally, I’m fond of the “no response” rejection wherein an agent’s assistant can’t even write a Dear Author form letter. “If you don’t hear from us within 8 weeks, assume we’ve passed.” Gee, thanks. 😛
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2016
I would expect anyone qualified to reject my writing to put some thought into writing a compelling form letter. You’d think they’d feel some pressure to grab my interest right from the start and stand out from all the other form rejections.
List of X
November 2, 2016
I think you at least deserve a check to leave them alone.
Do this to enough agents and you’ll easily make six figure income from your writing without having published a single book copy.
dianasschwenk
November 2, 2016
That’s hilarious! I think I might enjoy writing that type of response to a future rejection! 😉 ❤
Diana xo
Elyse
November 2, 2016
Thanks for this. Now I just have to write a book that can be rejected!
The Good Greatsby
November 3, 2016
I’m sure there’s an app online that will send you a rejection letter without you having to go to all the trouble of writing a book first.
Elyse
November 3, 2016
What I’d prefer is an app that would send me $millions in royalties without having to go to all the trouble of writing a book first. You can’t take rejection to the bank.
My Inner Chick
November 3, 2016
LO:L:L:L:L:L:L.
Great post.
Refection SUCKSSSssss rotten eggs!
no. matter. what.
Just did a blog on this same subject.
Can you believe the New Yorker spelled Dear/ Deer wrong on my rejection letter?
Thanks for the giggle. x
The Good Greatsby
November 5, 2016
I definitely can believe the New Yorker would make a mistake on your rejection letter. That’s what they get for insulating themselves against hiring talented people like you and me.
She's a Maineiac
November 3, 2016
Well, after reading this post, I’m laughing with great enthusiasm. I think a book about rejection letters might be a huge hit.
I’m sure you’re well aware that authors like Stephen King and J.K. Rowling were rejected many times. And yet authors like E.L. James probably weren’t. ….maybe The Broccoli of Books really is the answer for you? Next time try writing a story with no plot, shallow characters and use dialogue like “crapballs” and “asshat”.
The Good Greatsby
November 3, 2016
I do think learning to handle rejection and using it as motivation is an important thing to learn in life. That’s why I send my kids at least one rejection letter every week.
pegoleg
November 3, 2016
I think you’re on to something with this publishing path. If it’s true that “those who can, do…and those who can’t, teach,” it’s often equally true that “those who can, write…and those who can’t, sell tips and tricks for writing to someone else.”
Apropos of nothing, this post led me to look for freelance writing jobs online – my annual, hour-long attempt to swap the hell-hole that is my real, bills-paying-job for fame and fortune as a well known writer. One of of the postings on one of those Writers’ Market places was for a creative writer at some publication. The job listing was full of typos. I was thinking I could just send the listing back corrected with red pencil as my application.
The Good Greatsby
November 5, 2016
I suspect if we had the actual numbers on how creatives–actors, writers, musicians–made their money, we’d be even more discouraged. I think we’d learn the category of people who actually survive as professional actors or professional writers probably make more money from teaching workshops and classes or selling tips than actually performing in a play or publishing a book.
I can’t tell you how many writing job posting I’ve seen that were full of typos, or how often I’ve looked up the website of the job poster and found typos and poor quality content and decided against pursuing employment.
Ankur Mithal
November 3, 2016
There’s a lot to be said about writing a book that keeps getting rejected.
The Good Greatsby
November 5, 2016
A collection of responses to rejection letters might make a pretty good book.
Margie
November 3, 2016
“Is Moderate Enthusiasm Anything to Sniff At?” Now that is a good book title. I laughed the laugh that comes from 47 years of experience when you said a lot of marriages have survived decades on much less!
In My Cluttered Attic
November 4, 2016
Now that your template is available I wanna be rejected!
The Good Greatsby
November 5, 2016
It’s good to have a dream. You’ve got to start somewhere.
Bonsai
November 5, 2016
It is a farce!
Mark Petruska
November 5, 2016
I have to say, this is the best rejection letter to a rejection letter I have ever seen!
It is also the only rejection letter to a rejection letter I have ever seen. But even if I had seen hundreds of rejection letters to rejection letters, I have no doubt yours would rise to the top of all those other inferior rejection letters to rejection letters.
I daresay I now hope to receive my own round of rejection letters so I can utilize your template and have the last laugh myself.
Write on!
Lorna's Voice
November 11, 2016
Ah ha! Correspondence is best when it is: 1. ongoing 2. reciprocal 3. honest. You’ve just changed the query letter dynamic. It’s a new world in more ways than one.
susielindau
December 21, 2016
Thanks for the free advice. Next time I’m rejected, I will try your approach. I’m sure they will change their mind in an instant.
Merry Christmas, Paul!
philosophermouseofthehedge
December 24, 2016
Templates rock! Or was that if I get one more rejection letter I will throw rocks…
Anyway, wrapping up the holidays…
Waiting for sunset on Christmas Eve is like standing toes-over-the-edge on a high diving board.
Every year we’d cruise casually by the window to keep an eye on the sun’s progress until it was officially evening.
Then the shout “Christmas Eve Gift!” would ring out.
You see, the traditions says that the first person to voice that phrase on Christmas Eve to another would be graced with good fortune and joy all the next year.
(And of course, whomever was first won. Everything was a contest…)
It’s more difficult to be first now with caller ID.
As all those who have become my friends in blogland are spread widely across time zones, I’d like to wish you all “Christmas Eve Gift” now.
And as I already feel so fortunate to have such wonderful readers and writers in this neighborhood, I wish to share any phrase acquired good fortune and joy with you in thanks.
No matter where you are or what you are guided by, hope you have a very merry Christmas and a new year full of adventure and joy.
Peace on earth and goodwill towards all creatures great and small.
Gabriel Burkhardt
January 18, 2017
I’ve clearly been doing it all wrong… So it’s write first. THEN ask for the rejection letters?