At the end of every Friday or Saturday night on the town, I like to hand my friends a friendship survey to help me evaluate my performance and highlight areas needing improvement: Friendship Survey 1. How would you rate hanging out with Paul on a scale of 1 to 10? 2. Would you recommend hanging… [Read more…]
May 25, 2012
More exciting news from the world of science! MIT scientists believe they’ve tackled the age-old dilemma of getting the last bit of ketchup out of the bottle, a mystery that has perplexed philosophers from Socrates to my brother-in-law. The scientists have created a bottle coating that will allow famously slow-pouring ketchup to pour as easily… [Read more…]
May 23, 2012
Thank you for inviting me to the party. Also, I apologize for my behavior at the party. Thank you for the delicious food served at the party. I apologize for filling my backpack with the delicious food and trying to sell it to the other guests at the party. Thank you for telling me to… [Read more…]
May 21, 2012
Optimist Prime played his first American football game yesterday. Ever since he was a kid at the young age of 8, he’s dreamed of being a quarterback, and now that dream came true at 10. I wish my dreams had come true at 10 so I could have taken the last two decades off. He… [Read more…]
May 18, 2012
I knew Michelle Obama was a tall woman, but this picture of her standing next to the 6’0″ tall soccer star, David Beckham, truly puts her staggering height in perspective. By analyzing her body language, it’s clear this picture was taken while Michelle was in the middle of bullying Beckham. The firm hand on his… [Read more…]
May 16, 2012
The Fonz is a student of comedy. His mom and I have literally told him over 500 times to clear his plate when he leaves the table and he never seems to hear, but when I give him advice on timing, presentation, or reading the room, his eyes focus, his head nods, and I can… [Read more…]
May 14, 2012
I’m currently in the process of recording some 1920-30s-style radio plays I wrote. All my voice actors are friends I’ve worked with before, and because I’m paying for the studio time myself, the actors are being paid in the form of meals, compliments, and good intentions. I’ve asked them all to sign the following release… [Read more…]
May 11, 2012
Scientists at the University of California at Santa Barbara have just published a study revealing how not to spill your coffee when walking. Apparently the human gait moves at roughly the same frequency as coffee sloshes back and forth in a mug so each step amplifies the coffee’s sloshing. But these scientists have developed a… [Read more…]
May 9, 2012
Dear Mitt Romney, I hear you might be looking for a vice president. Allow me to suggest the following potential candidates: 1. Steve Jobs’ ghost–I know some intolerant Americans may complain about a ghost occupying such a high office, especially because ghosts don’t pay taxes, but Jobs might be the one ghost everyone could get behind… [Read more…]
May 7, 2012
So you’ve been dragged along to another garage sale. Here are eight tips for entertaining yourself or guaranteeing you won’t be asked to come next time. 1. Bring a picture of the friend/spouse accompanying you to the garage sale. If any old picture frames are for sale, hurry and insert the picture while nobody is looking.… [Read more…]
May 4, 2012
Just when you started to get excited about your two-year-old’s ability to spit out a few mumbles that kind of sound like words, Mensa–the high IQ society–has welcomed a two-year-old member who can recite the alphabet backwards and forwards, count to 1,000, name the planets, and I’m pretty sure never falls for the ‘I got… [Read more…]
May 2, 2012
I like kids but I don’t like babies. Babies have always struck me as insincere, like cats. Babies and cats are both cute but you get the feeling the cuteness is all an act to trick you into feeding them and overlooking their ruining of leather furniture. When a friend visits our house with a… [Read more…]
May 28, 2012
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