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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
A Big Bah, Humbug to the Tiny Birthday Tyrant
Is it just me, or is something fundamentally wrong with children’s birthday parties as an institution? How can an event meant to celebrate the life and birth of a child, result in the parents’ gin-soaked resolution not to have any more children? Twenty years from now when America’s declining birthrate brings social security to a […]
Posted in: Columns
The Backhanded Compliment Explained
April 15, 2011
You’re a great person. Your mom likes you. I like you. Everybody likes you. Or do they? Is it possible people are secretly insulting you, but you always miss it because you’re unfamiliar with the art of the backhanded compliment? The backhanded compliment is so effective because it starts with a positive first half that […]
Posted in: Columns
Practical Jokes that Go too Far–Part 2
April 14, 2011
Many of you read Practical Jokes That Go Too Far-Part 1, and based on the comments it seems most readers agreed my friends have no sense of humor. I was the wronged party, surrounded by ungrateful friends who failed to appreciate all the hard work and planning that went into my pranks. Trust me, it […]
Posted in: Columns
Wednesday in Three Acts: One Sentence Stories/Tweets You May Have Missed/Caption Contest Finalists
April 13, 2011
Act One: Three One Sentence Stories 1. Get a Room! “Get a room, you two!” I shouted at the couple making out in front of me as they stood at the hotel check-in desk, waiting for me to rent them a room. 2. Dance Like Nobody’s Watching “Yes, my pretty, continue to dance like nobody […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
A Letter of Apology to Those I May Have Alienated During My Brief Day of Fame
April 12, 2011
Other bloggers had warned me Freshly Pressed fame was a fickle mistress, but I refused to believe she could ever leave me. In the midst of my one day rock star status my wife warned me to temper my expectations for the day after Freshly Pressed, and I shouted back with words that seemed less […]
Posted in: Columns
Your Beautiful Receptionist Half Your Age Fails in Her Attempts to Compliment Your New Hairstyle
April 11, 2011
Yes, ma’am, you may be growing older, but you don’t feel old, you don’t act old, and you’re still beautiful, and I’m sorry I called you ma’am just then. Or maybe you do feel old, act even older, and are perfectly aware the beauty ship sailed off into the sunset years ago. Your beautiful, perky […]
Posted in: Random Humor
Laura Wins Caption Contest: Awarded Life of the Party Status for Coming Week
April 10, 2011
Congratulations to Laura at unlikelyexplanations.com for winning this weeks caption contest! Depending on how you look at it, all of you who submitted captions are winners. Although this would be an incorrect way to look at it because Laura is the real winner. What did Laura win? For one week Laura will be allowed to […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
The Mickelsons Are the Worst Neighbors Ever!
April 9, 2011
The Mickelsons are the worst neighbors ever! They’re so noisy I can’t get any sleep! I very politely asked them to keep down the noise. But if anything, they started talking louder, even shouting! Again, I asked them to show some decency and lower their voices so I could get some sleep. Then they had […]
Posted in: Short-Sleeve Stories
In Case You Haven’t Heard, I’m a Big Huge Gigantic Success; I’m Finally Getting the Recognition I’ve Always Claimed I Deserve
April 8, 2011
It took some time to realize the ghosts running WordPress had selected me for Freshly Pressed because I had reserved the morning for polishing my medals, and there’s no computer in my trophy room. What a fun coincidence I would be sequestered in my awards room polishing my awards at the same time I won […]
Posted in: Columns
Things I Carry in My Pocket for the Sole Purpose of Confusing the Police in the Event of My Untimely Death
April 7, 2011
I hope to live a long and multiple award-winning life, but in the event of my untimely death my last thoughts will be on the police officers rifling through my pockets as they investigate the crime. In addition to my wallet and house keys they will find: 1. An elaborate treasure map leading to the […]
Posted in: Random Humor
Select Your King Caption
April 6, 2011
Make sure and vote in this week’s caption contest. The winner will receive the following prizes: 1. The honorary title King Caption. 2. Will be allowed to butt in buffet lines with no repercussions. 3. Will be allowed to eat whatever he or she wants for one week and won’t gain weight (I will be […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
How to Quit Your Job
April 5, 2011
I lived in Germany for several years, and when you live abroad and speak a foreign language all day, you make friends with other native English speakers with whom you have nothing else in common except the language. The only thing keeping you together is a chance to speak English and to share similar insights […]
Posted in: Advice
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