Is it just me, or is something fundamentally wrong with children’s birthday parties as an institution? How can an event meant to celebrate the life and birth of a child, result in the parents’ gin-soaked resolution not to have any more children? Twenty years from now when America’s declining birthrate brings social security to a complete collapse, the elderly will riot in the streets, and Chuck E. Cheese will be the first to burn.
Hooray for the birthday boy! A day when a child who hears video game beeps when adults speak, who rolls his eyes at his teacher, and has never eaten a vegetable in his life is celebrated and worshiped as though he were an injured war hero returning from battle.
The birthday boy chooses the seventeen activity party itinerary, stomps his feet when told soda-soaked pizza cake doesn’t exist, grits his teeth when any other kid wins a party game, and despite repeated coaching responds to every non-electronics present with a monotone, “Thank you.”
And if that birthday terror is capable of even one moment of self-conscious thought, one moment of introspection, he may ask himself what he has done to deserve so much praise and reward but will be unable to connect his good fortune to a single instance of positive behavior, leaving him to conclude he deserves celebration for no other reason than existence.
He is entitled, entitled, entitled to a celebration not because of kindness, obedience, or gratitude, but rather for his ability to breathe.
And as your birthday king sucks a deep breath of triumph, flares his nostrils, and surveys his kingdom of adult serfs, he realizes he could get used to being celebrated for doing nothing, and therein lie the seeds of a future dictator–or at the very least a kid who will never leave home. A mini-dictator who has been biding his time, waiting for control of the military–or at least your checkbook. And as soon as he has a chance he will suspend constitutional powers–put you in a home.
Are there good children? Absolutely. Give those kids two birthday parties a year!
And cancel all the others! I don’t care what his birth certificate says, he will remain eight years old for the next ten years if that’s how long it takes him to graduate to nine!
Please share your birthday horror stories below. Don’t bother mentioning the $60 a person Marriott champagne brunch for a five year old; I’ve already been to that party.
The Good Greatsby 
Tom (Aquatom1968)
April 16, 2011
Children’s birthday parties fill me with horror. The balloons, the cake, the noise, the tears. I don’t get invited to any nowadays.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
I never expected to have to go to any as an adult either, but sometimes the parents are also invited. Almost always a nightmare.
Girly
April 16, 2011
Thank you! But I don’t understand why you labeled this as satire or humor… you just totally nailed it.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
You’re right. I just got in the habit of labeling things the same way even though this one isn’t satirical.
gojulesgo
April 16, 2011
The 1st birthday parties are the worst!! I’ve yet to go to one that HASN’T required the parents to rent a venue and invite at least 60 guests. I doubt I’ll even get that kind of treatment when I retire (to live off of my social s–…wait, I don’t know what. Guess I’ll never retire. The infants win again). One-year-olds can’t even do anything yet! And worse, you’re still trying to shake the nightmares from the kid’s baby shower. Baby showers and children’s birthday parties are two of the many reasons I own a monogrammed flask.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
Your kid is one! What are we celebrating other than his existence? He hasn’t had a single self-conscious thought yet.
gojulesgo
April 16, 2011
Just realized in my latest post shout-out, my self-diagnosed selective dyslexia kicked in (Great Goodsby vs. Good Greatsby). Rest assured this grave error has been corrected and will never happen again! (Hmm, such a mistake seems like it might be better mentioned on your Back-Handed Compliments post…)
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
This happens to me all the time. People call me on the phone and ask for the Great Goodsby.
Girly
April 16, 2011
My boyfriend wants to comment but I won’t give up the computer so this is his comment:
“This has nothing to do with the kids, it’s all about the parents’ swingin’ steaks…
I went to a party where a 4 year old was harnessed and flown into the room like a super-hero. You could see where all the parents were looking at each other like, ‘how are we going to top this?'”
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
It’s true the Marriott champagne brunch I attended was probably not the suggestion of the five year old.
officeoddities
April 16, 2011
I’ve had about five birthday parties. I think for my parents it was more a celebration of them having kept me alive another year. Once they figured all they had to do was give me food, water and stick me in front of the TV they stopped bothering.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
Your parents must be thrilled you reached adulthood.
officeoddities
April 16, 2011
But with many scars to show for it- having not much experience in the matter, I’m terrified of the whole people singing Happy Birthday at you while you smile and blow out candles.
I love cake though,
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
Cake is pretty good, isn’t it? I hope nobody thinks I’m taking cheap shots at cake.
carldagostino
April 16, 2011
What gets me, and my daughter is guilty, is the obligation parents feel that they have to provide these luxuriant affairs at the expense of an already strained household budget. I mean we are talking car insurance or electric bill payment here. Or more. Yet she feels guilty if the children are “deprived” of these affairs. They would astound even the Romans attending the arena 1,900 years ago. I refuse to give her money if she is short on money for bills if another one of these things is held for half of Miami. I think kids must be tired of these anyway. There are other wholesome activities for children. Wrestling alligators or swimming with sharks is a wonderful experience. Robbing a bank or hijacking a plane are also useful life skills.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
Why do we spend money we don’t have on birthday parties and Christmas presents? Wouldn’t it be better if we saved the money, worked a little less, and spent more time with our kids?
Renee Davies
April 17, 2011
Aye, very true.
marryin'thelibrarian
April 16, 2011
Just wondering, will parents sign a waiver before dropping off their children? Also, how will you split the “earnings” from the bank? Some things to consider beforehand.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
If you have to sign a waiver beforehand, sounds like a pretty great party.
Lenore Diane
April 16, 2011
Oh GG. I have a confession. We don’t have birthday parties. *gasp* The horror! And yes, I am fully expecting to pay for therapy for the kids, as they tell the future therapists about their parents neglecting them by not allowing birthday parties with friends.
Alas, it is true. I will spare a rant pertaining to birthday parties, because I would easily get carried away. For instance, why are kids given goodie bags for attending birthday parties? It is not the guests’ birthday.
Rest assured, when our kids have birthdays, we celebrate it as a family. But invitations, ponies, jumping houses, themed gatherings, etc.? Not for our kids. I know, we are cruel parents.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
We don’t have birthday parties every year, and when we do have parties they are always at our house with simple and inexpensive games my wife has planned. No clowns and bouncy castles for us, but I still feel the kids have a good time.
Margie
April 16, 2011
No horror stories. We never had the money for kids birthday parties.
With immense forethought, I married a man whose birthday is 6 days before mine. Then, I had one child on his birthday, and one child 7 days after mine. (The third child didn’t get the message and was born several months out of synch.) This nice cluster means that once a year we have one big birthday party. One cake, one dinner, cross generational. Sometimes, the birthday party is at Easter. Big bonus.
marryin'thelibrarian
April 16, 2011
Idea: Birthday Chore Scavenger Hunt–The list of items to collect is actually just a list of chores, e.g., paint kitchen, clean out shark tank, give mom a manicure. The event is fun, helpful, and could prepare children for future careers in semi-important service industries.
Ahmnodt Heare
April 16, 2011
Birthday parties started out as a celebration of life as whether somebody was going to live another year was not taken for granted. The average life expectency during the Revolutionary War was 38 years of age.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
I can understand celebrating another year of life in the times when half of your sixteen children didn’t reach adulthood.
shreejacob
April 16, 2011
hehe! I remember as a kid, my parents would have birthday parties for me and I’d stand at the porch steps outside and greet all the “aunties” and “uncles” who brought their kids along and pressies!! I love presents! They’d wish me “Happy Brithday” and I’d so proudly wish them “Same to you!!” – Gosh I felt so grown up to be saying that! It took me a few years to realise I should be saying Thank you instead!!! D’oh!
Those days birthday parties were held at home, with kids, home cooked meals and a birthday cake. Now, I agree it looks like more adults attend a kid’s party rather than kids! And it really gets extravagant!!
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
Your parents had the right idea. I’m sure you’re one of the good ones.
ryoko861
April 16, 2011
I loved planning my kid’s little kid birthday parties. But I drew the line when both reached 12. It started getting expensive. When we took about 10 kids, plus my youngest to a “Movies Birthday Party” waaay back when, it was like over $100. Some guy looked at my husband with all these 12 year olds around him and said “Sucks being your right now”. That was the last party for the oldest. My youngest had a pool party for his 12th. Only 5 at that one. That was the last of the parties. Never had a horror story though. Now it’s just the four of us-a cake and some presents and choice of what to have for dinner. That’s it.
I refuse to “celebrate” my birthday.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
I refuse to celebrate my own birthday either. I’ve only had a party for myself twice in the last fourteen years.
Meet the Buttrams
April 17, 2011
No wonder you’re so cranky about birthday parties.
My birthday lasts no less than seven days. Not that my birth lasted seven days, but the party does. Yippee kai yay. I have no idea how to spell that correctly.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
I will try and forewarn you on the day I write about adults who celebrate their birthdays for seven days.
Meet the Buttrams
April 18, 2011
‘ppreciatecha
limr
April 16, 2011
I haven’t been to a kid’s birthday party since I was, you know, a kid. There were no such things as bouncy houses back then, but I do remember recognizing that my friends’ parties were more elaborate than mine. My mother always made my cake (she still does if I ask…that cake is awesome!) and she also made pizza. I had to help clean and decorate before the party. I had to work for my celebration, man!
These new-fangled kids’ parties that you describe…which circle of hell would you say they belong in? The same as baby showers…oh wait, you probably don’t have to experience that particular hell. Okay, we’re even.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
I haven’t attended any baby showers, but I’m sure they’re wonderful fun.
limr
April 17, 2011
Okay, now I know you’re being sarcastic. Or you’re insane. No one in their right minds would think a baby shower is fun.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
Yes, I was being sarcastic. Baby showers sound terrible.
Meet the Buttrams
April 16, 2011
Insanity. There are two kinds of birthday parties ’round here. Cookouts for the summer kids, warehouses filled with inflatables for the winter kids. It’s probably because I never fully grew up, but I love kids’ birthday parties.
Grilled burgers and hot dogs while I attack tiny people with super soakers? Heck yes. Cheap pizza and ice cream while I mercilessly beat six-year-olds on the inflatable obstacle course or throw them repeatedly against harmless columns filled with air? Sign me up.
Maybe you’re looking at this all wrong. Booze it up, then get your revenge. You’ll look like the fun, engaged adult, and the kids’ll love it.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
A cookout sounds fine. I see no problems with attacking tiny people with super soakers.
ajg
April 16, 2011
funny that you mention this. i was just composing a post about birthdays in my head. a post about how birthdays have become week-long events, with self-entitlement aplomb. as in, come to this event, come this event, and come to this event and if you don’t, don’t bother talking to me ever again because “we probably aren’t that good of friends anyway.”
did you really mean to describe children in this post, or is it because it’s safer to talk about children than adults that may be reading this post?
oh, and by the way, did you get my email about my birthday next week? first we are going to the indoor ski hill, then lunch at cashalottmaous, then my friends will compete for my affection with a powerpoint competition, then i will make a speech about why everyone is lucky to be my friend, followed by dinner that my friends will make in a sort of potluck.
The Good Greatsby
April 16, 2011
I did get your email about your birthday festivities. I can make bowling, croquet, and sentence parsing, but I’m not sure I can attend the chili cook-off or the dragon boat race.
ajg
April 17, 2011
you’re dead to me.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
I also can’t attend the giant chess game where you asked all your friends to dress up as chess pieces while you and your girlfriend play chess on a giant board. I’m not sure how it would even work because you don’t have 32 friends.
Invisible Mikey
April 17, 2011
It’s been a long time since children were in our house, but this never changes I guess. We tried pin the tail on the donkey. Six stabbed kids. Only four threatened lawsuits. Tried to offer a backyard piñata. Two skull fractures and a laceration. Rented a public pool once. Kid’s suit tore off when sucked into the filter. Bowling? Dislocated fingers, broken toes. That clown we didn’t hire, but who showed up anyway is still on America’s Most Wanted. (He used to be a priest or scout leader, I forget which.)
Loved the LSD-enhanced colors, btw.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
Nobody can say you didn’t throw a memorable party.
Renee Davies
April 17, 2011
Hahaha!
bridgesburning
April 17, 2011
I see it is not about the child but how mothers can outdo each other…I know one mom who can’t afford it but spents 4 figures. Starts with mani-pedis for 5 year olds then hires magicians, zoo keepers touring animals and someone to videotape whole thing.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
So often the activities aren’t things the kids enjoy, but they sounded novel, original, and expensive to the parents, and they chose them in the hopes of impressing others.
spilledinkguy
April 17, 2011
Have you heard of the half-birthday thing? It was news to me. But then I’m not spoiled like that.
NOW WHERE’S MY CAKE!
AND IT BETTER HAVE SPRINKLES!
🙂
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
I haven’t heard about the half-birthday, but I’m intrigued.
savesprinkles1234
April 17, 2011
I feel very fortunate to have very few entitlement minded brats in my immediate circle of friends and family. (This is mostly because my family is small and my friends all have between 0-2 children!)
The worst children’s birthday party I’ve ever attended was given by an old coworker of mine who spent $16 K on her child’s 13th birthday party. Ever see the movie Mean Girls? The birthday girl was one of those, and her “lovely” guests were of an equal caliber! They had amazing party favors, an open bar for parents (thank God), stations where the kids could make and keep a copy of their own music videos, have a model-like photo shoot, and record a dvd single of a song of their choice. There was also an amazing, high-end DJ. I went mainly to see what she spent her $16K on!
The best child’s b-day party I’ve attended is one of my daughter’s friends whose mom made fantastic food on the grill–that included veggies. The kids played for hours in the creek that ran through their yard while the parents ate, chatted and drank wine. It was all very low stress and relaxed.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
Birthdays are the same as vacations. If you take them all the way to Paris, they have just as much fun playing in the hotel pool as they did at home in the backyard pool.
Calhoun
April 17, 2011
The worst is when they don’t grow out of that.
At 23 years of age, I still have friends that lose their cool about the day their mother spat them out of her womb. If anything, I feel like mothers should get a celebration for putting up with carrying a bowling ball around for 9 months. Even worse still is when people try to turn their birthDAY into a birthWEEK or a birthMONTH. You get one day to be a brat and have everything your way, ONE day!
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
I know a lot of adults who celebrate a birthWEEK, but they almost make it a birthMONTH by sending out RSVP emails so far in advance that the birthday discussion dominates conversation for a whole month.
berettaluvz26
April 17, 2011
I think I’ve come up with a way to oust the supremacy of the birthday kid… and it starts with celebrating my 27th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. Got any plans for mid-October? You’re totally invited.
Most of my horror stories revolve around Christmas, and they involve kids who don’t like one of their gifts. My nephew has thrown a present he didn’t like on the floor in disgust, and another kid I knew bitched for an hour about how his present wasn’t as big as his sister’s. If my future kids ever pull that shit, ALL of their gifts will be donated to kids who will actually appreciate them.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
Don’t get me started on complaints about Christmas. That post will have to wait until December.
berettaluvz26
April 17, 2011
I can’t wait to see it… that post will be awesome.
zmanowner
April 17, 2011
Greatsby
Dont have any parents acting badly at childrens parties stories. Gotta lots of stories about two dads fighting about their sons ability at sporting events. Two dads got to swinging over whose son was a better goalie. Funny when the smaller dad of the losing team is just beating the snot out of the much bigger and wining team dad…oh by the way the two kids are best of friends..now thats irony….zman sends
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
Every time I attend a sporting event I will comment to another dad about how much we both hate those dads who start fights at sporting events. Then I try and pick a fight with him about who hates those dads more.
Ironic Mom
April 17, 2011
I love me a good rant. I too am anti-event-planner birthday parties. I guest blogged about it. Here’s the link if you want to hear me whine: http://www.canadianfamily.ca/blog/familyjewels/guest-blogger/2010/05/11/guest-post-why-i-despise-kids-birthday-parties-a-rant/
Sandi
April 17, 2011
when they were tiny, we invited a lot to introduce ourselves to different preschool families to meet others living in the same insane world.
However, as time goes on, we reduce/reduce/reduce! My son & daughter have Nov./Dec. birthdays and so right now- they have the same friends- we did a combined trip to Pirates Dinner Theater and invited a few of their friends. It’s costs about $300 for a bounce house thing that you can invite 20 people to and they all expect food…or you can go to a place that provides food, a good show, and reduce the amount of people to 8 kids and 2 adults for the same costs. (other parents attended and paid their own ticket)
As they start to get older, have different friends, and want their separate special days, they will soon realize their bday parties reduced even further to a friend or two.
HOWEVER, I did attend 1 birthday party that was CRAZY. Twins were turning 1 and the mom did an entire carnival in the back yard with booths other moms had to run and prizes, plus a bounce house, etc. Insane! I still laugh about it…
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
Crazy big birthdays for kids turning one is too far. Why spend all that money on things they can’t do yet or enjoy? It’s like the birthday kid is being taunted: Look at all these fun activities and games you can’t play.
Rachael Black
April 17, 2011
Those lucky little bastards. Talk about inflation
Hell my parents only spent about $5.00 on each of the 6 or 7 kids who were at my birthday parties
Now granted this was in the 1960’s. Bit still, that was quite a lot to bribe a parent to force their kids to show up.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
I truly believe kids only have a certain capacity for presents and fun. At a certain point it all blends together, and the giant party is a complete waste. They have no capacity to appreciate or enjoy it at a level commensurate with the money and work required.
Binky
April 17, 2011
It’s another Clown Conspiracy, I’m sure. Never trust a birthday party clown. They’re out to get us all.
The Good Greatsby
April 17, 2011
Who are the people who like clowns? Where are they hiding? I’ve never met anyone who loves clowns, but yet they keep getting invited to perform at birthday parties.
No offense intended if any of you readers are professional clowns.
accidentalstepmom
April 17, 2011
I confess, we did parties the first two years after the kids came to live with us. They suck. However, the boy’s 6th birthday party made it all worth it: The Lizard Guys. Live Reptile Birthday Party = Awesome.
Thomas Stazyk
April 17, 2011
Totally agree. But The Birthday Party is an institution. Forgive me for adding my thoughts here:
http://testazyk.com/2010/09/30/the-parent-trap-2010/
lovelyshadesofnostalgia
April 18, 2011
Like others have said, it’s the parents’ trying to outdo one another. (Just like with their cars, houses, etc.) And I work with children, and unfortunately the parents too (sorry parents), and these over done birthday parties are just like everything else regarding the most recent “philosophy” with children. Give them everything, no matter. And by all means, never, NEVER let them have hurt feelings. Like sports, “Everyone gets a trophy!” (Even if your team came in last.) It’s a “philosophy” that produces narcissistic, entitled children (who grow up to be adults) who have no coping skills when it comes to LIFE.
Sorry, that wasn’t a birthday horror story. But the birthdays are a symptom of a bigger problem. Rant over.
Bearman
April 18, 2011
We only got a birthday party when we turned 7, 10 and 13. And all that meant was that we could invite 3 friends over for our family birthday dinner.
Rachael Black
April 18, 2011
I’m sorry to break this to you Bearman… but you’re adopted. Not only that but your father has a second family and his other children’s birthdays fall on the same day as yours.
Please don’t do a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern on me.
Amy
April 18, 2011
Yeah, so glad I don’t have kids. I just don’t get having a huge blow-out for a kid who is too young to remember to not poop himself. That kid won’t remember that party a week from now.
bschooled
April 18, 2011
This is why I don’t think parents should tell their kids which day they were born on. Or, when Christmas is. Or, when it’s the weekend.
justjotter
April 18, 2011
1) Places like Chuck E. Cheese should be outlawed by Congress.
2) Ever seen “My Super Sweet 16” on MTV?
3) Clowns.
Need I say more?
pearlsandprose
April 18, 2011
Great post. Just reading the words “Chuck E. Cheese” gives me chills. Waaay too many hours of my life lost forever there.
You blog on weekends too? I am impressed.
the master
April 19, 2011
So, reading between the lines (or, more accurately, reading the lines) lack of a birthday party neutralizes time for a whole year? Awesome – I’m not even 1 yet! I have my whole life ahead of me, limitless potential!
Dammit, these crumbs get everywhere…