Some seemingly innocent search terms keep me up late at night:
guess how much i love you
At first, I assumed this was a random search, but I found it more satisfying to convince myself I had a secret admirer. Secret admirer, guessing how much I love you is pretty hard without knowing who you are and without knowing what scale of measurement we’re using. But still, I’ll take a guess and say if we’re measuring using numbers I’ll estimate your love is about an 11 out of 14. If we’re measuring using water and the scale is one Olympic size swimming pool, my estimate is about 432,000 gallons out of 550,000. If you want that number converted to liters, well, I’m going to need to know your identity before I put any more work into this relationship.
Imagine this swimming pool with 118,000 gallons less.
When the history of our Internet age has been documented, will schoolchildren of the future laugh at our trust in search engines, similar to our generation’s disdain for those of past ages who consulted fortune tellers or the stars to provide insight on deep philosophical questions? A search engine makes sense as a resource to find a good Indian restaurant or your local top hat dealership, but how reliable do you expect the answers to be when you consult Google regarding your love life? Lots of lovelorn searchers visit my site each day seeking advice on love and have made my post, When Someone You Don’t Love Says I Love You, one of my most popular.
how to react when someone says i love you
how to respond when someone says i’m happy for you
is he secretly in love with me
how to respond when someone says i love you
This is my favorite:
if a person you love does not respond
I assume the questioner is wondering what to do if the person doesn’t respond to a proclamation of love, but isn’t it also possible the person just plain wasn’t responding because he was deceased and she hadn’t noticed? Or maybe the person didn’t respond because it wasn’t a person at all but actually a mannequin or a clothes hamper.
what if someone loves you but you don’t love them
The more I get questions concerning what to do if someone says ‘I love you’ but you don’t love them back, the more I wonder if some percentage of these people are actually wondering about their legal rights. Maybe they’ve never had anyone profess love before and they’re not sure if the mere proclamation might have entered them into a social contract like a common law marriage. These people are probably kicking themselves for being so charming.
what do you respond when someone says to you thats wounderful
I assume the ‘wounderful’ was a misspelling, but I hope it’s actually a new back-handed word of congratulations people are saying to each other; your friend tells you she got a new promotion, and you reply, “That’s wounderful!” And she’s not sure if she misheard or if you in fact intended to say ‘wound’ as in her success wounded you.
Not every love life problem is so complex:
betty white nude photos
When I published my post, This Post Contains No Nude Pictures of Celebrities, I realized somebody was going to search for Betty White nude photos and Google would send that searcher my way, and I would have to start wondering about any new reader whose first comment appeared on the same day of the Betty White nude photos search. I tried to find a way to pin the search on Clay of educlaytion.com as potential blackmail in our ongoing competition to win Kate Beckinsale, but it appears Clay had been commenting for many months previous to that day and a search of his blog revealed no evidence of any unhealthy interest in Betty White…yet.
Apparently Laura of Unlikely Explanations isn’t the only bad neighbor out there:
i think my neighbor is dead but i am more about his cat than him; what is wrong with me
Are neighbors dropping left and right? This would be the third case I’ve heard in the past month of someone being unsure if a neighbor was dead. The end result is that I’ve set a goal to be a much better neighbor by learning their names and resolving to stop reading their mail.
Still lots of people seeking advice on How to Out-stalk a Stalker:
i want to stalk a stalker
how do you stalk a stalker
what can i say to my stalker to scare him
stalk you steve
how to be a good stalker
This last one makes me wonder whether this person is seeking professional advice on how to be a better stalker. I don’t approve of stalking, but I certainly believe anything worth doing is worth doing well.
…..
If nobody has noticed you hiding in the bathroom reading blogs on your iPad when you’re supposed to be working yet, why not read my other search engine posts?
The Search Engine Oracle Keeps on Speaking
The Search Engine Oracle Speaks Again
The Search Engine Oracle Has Spoken
The Good Greatsby 
jacquelincangro
October 10, 2011
It’s a good thing the people searching are anonymous. Mr. How To Be a Good Stalker might draw some unwanted attention.
I recently did a Search Termapalooza post. Someone was looking for “Cangro crack.” Hmm. Another person was looking for “what it means when a subway car is empty.” There are only 2 reasons. Whatever you do – don’t get in that subway car.
The Good Greatsby
October 10, 2011
I hope it’s not too late for that empty subway car searcher.
Tori Nelson
October 10, 2011
I second this thought but for entirely different reasons. If I had to leave my name while trying to figure out how to stalk steve then I’d be off on the wrong foot before I’d so much as driven by his house 🙂
Sandi Ormsby
October 11, 2011
Awesome Tori! Why waste the gas, if you’ve already been found out…
joehoover
October 10, 2011
These searches sound connected? I sense a timeline from someone saying they love someone to it turning into a case stalking when its unrequited and then resulting in someones neighbour being dead (which may be the stalker or the stalked lying face down on the kitchen lino).
The Good Greatsby
October 10, 2011
Now that you mention it, there does seem to be a narrative going on here, a narrative that should cause me some concern.
gerknoop
October 10, 2011
I’m going to immediately google the term “guess how much I love you” right now just to see what comes up! I had no idea I could use google for such personal matters! WOW where have I been? Now when I say this to my son or hubby….and they actually answer me with “how much”? I will have the perfect answer. Thank you SO much Greatsby…thank you so very much!
The Good Greatsby
October 10, 2011
Google is there to solve every problem in your life with ten recommendations of completely conflicting information. If you’re not sure which of the ten to believe, just ask Google.
Kathryn McCullough
October 10, 2011
Who knew Google, let alone the Good Greatsby, was the new “Dear Abby.”
The Good Greatsby
October 10, 2011
Not even I knew, although I guess if I’d asked Google, it probably would have told me.
Byron MacLymont
October 10, 2011
I always like to picture these desperate-sounding searches happening in the moment.
“I love you.”
*silence*
“Excuse me for a second.” *type type type type…*
The Good Greatsby
October 10, 2011
That’s exactly what I always think. What makes so many of these searches hilarious is that you expect the situation must already have passed and why would they be seeking advice now unless they’ve built a time machine?
Amy
October 10, 2011
You just reminded me – I gotta go clear my browser history. Thanks!
thelifeofjamie
October 10, 2011
everyone has a Betty White fetish, some just have one that is a tad disturbing!
girlonthecontrary
October 10, 2011
Listen: I don’t think there is anything wrong with me trying to improve my stalker skills. If I’m going to be a stalker, I want to be a good one. How about we start expecting a little more from each other?? I mean, sheesh. It’s like people are afraid of success.
The Good Greatsby
October 10, 2011
I think it’s more impressive to have the best stalker out there than some of these amateurs who try stalking for a few weeks and quit at the first restraining order.
thesinglecell
October 10, 2011
I’ve always felt sorry for those “what to do if someone doesn’t love you” searchers and their ilk. They have the double-pain of not being loved AND being losers who think Google can answer that question. I’m also endlessly amused by the people who ask Google direct questions. Like it’s a Ouija board or a Magic 8 Ball. I wonder if Google’s “I’m Feeling Lucky” response to direct questions is “Ask again later.”
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2011
And the double-pain might become the triple-pain if they knew we were all laughing at them.
Luda Kristen
October 10, 2011
I love love love the ‘how to’ questions people plug into Google. I don’t know how these people survive without a 24-hour life chaperone.
Laura
October 11, 2011
Being called out as a bad neighbor was a wounderful way to start my day.
robshep
October 11, 2011
What about How to be a good blog stalker. I have been known to stalk some sites.
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2011
If I wrote a post on how to be a good blog stalker, I wouldn’t really be able to complain when Google sent those blog stalkers to my site and they started stalking me.
John Erickson
October 11, 2011
You say you’ve had a number of people asking about dead neighbors? Could you send a few my way? It’s all purely for academic study, mind you – how to permanently rid yourself of annoying neighbors, and how to make sure nobody figures out that the neighbors ARE missing in the first place.
Purely academic.
No relation to the fact I want my neighbors, who share my drive, to vanish forever.
No connection at all.
(Sorry, just making sure the FBI wiretap gets the point that making my neighbors disappear is merely an exercise, nothing more.)
Do you think on your next post, you could cover the proper way to set up airtight alibis?
Just a thought……
psychowatcher
October 11, 2011
My new neighbor plays bass guitar.
Maybe we can work something out?
LOL
John Erickson
October 12, 2011
I’d say absolutely, psychowatcher. I play guitar and keyboards (kinda sorta), so a trade would work for me. Problem is, my neighbors are a mother and two daughter lazy si-on-tyheir-butts-and-don’t-do-anything princesses and a husband who traded his … manhood for a wedding ring. So you would definitely lose in the trade.
Unless I can chase these rednecks out, and you move in next door? 😀
gojulesgo
October 11, 2011
I love hearing about these. Hilarious! Lately I’ve been getting a lot of this exact seach: what is a woman’s most shameful pleasure.
And I’m totally okay with that.
limr
October 11, 2011
I really need to write more interesting posts to get search terms like this. I seem to attract all the crazy cat ladies of this world:
–“my cat and my dog communication”
–“cat can say hello”
And my personal favorite:
–“cat says i look nothing like that”
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2011
But a lot of people love cats and you seem to have cornered the market on the weirdest of those people.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
October 11, 2011
These are always fun. I’ve long ago turned off my search engine hits, and am now only found by searching my blog specifically. Today so far, I have had five people visit my blog by intentionally searching it’s title.
Now THIS makes me wonder…
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2011
It does make me curious when someone finds the site while specifically looking for the blog name. If they knew the name, why didn’t they enter it into the browser instead of looking it up on a search engine?
pegoleg
October 11, 2011
I’m waiting for the next installment: The Search Engine Oracle Takes a Throat Lozenge
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2011
I might delete your comment so I can claim I thought of that one.
pegoleg
October 12, 2011
What comment? I didn’t see anything.
Kimberly Pugliano
October 11, 2011
FYI I TOTALLY know who is in love with you.
superheroprincess
October 11, 2011
Someone paid a visit to my blog searching UGLY CHILD…..I’d be lying if I said my feeling weren’t hurt by Google that day.
pattisj
October 11, 2011
Dear Greatsby, my top searcher is looking for animal crackers. Have I cornered the market on toddlers, or what? Do you think they love ME, or just my cookies? Should I start hiding them in the clothes hamper?
joehoover
October 11, 2011
Someone wants mugs for false teeth. I don’t think they need to buy something specific, anything with a large enough circumferance to fit them comfortably would do.
EllieAnn
October 11, 2011
do you think professional stalker services are needed?
With the tone of young adult movies like Twilight and Beastly, stalkers seem to make the best lovers.
Snoring Dog Studio
October 11, 2011
The anonymity of asking Google for love advice is probably comforting to the majority of people searching for answers on this topic – people who should probably remain unmated, who should stay down there in the basement of their parents’ home playing video games and eating Cheetos. Their friends gave up on them long ago when they realized these folks weren’t suitable for any relationship – even one with a plastic doll.
nigel
October 12, 2011
This is a somewhat odd post but very interesting nonetheless! 🙂
educlaytion
October 13, 2011
I may be a little late to the party here (stupid day jobs. And night jobs), but you’ll never pin that Bette White search on me. I always preferred Rue McClanahan.