Every search term tells a story. As I explained in my previous posts, Search Engine Oracle one and two, I like to imagine the circumstances that inspire these searchers to rush to a search engine seeking advice. What happened to this searcher earlier in the day?
what do you say when someone tells you that someone died that you can’t remember
I imagine he had experienced the following awkward conversation earlier in the day:
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“We were so sorry to hear about Diane’s death.”
“Diane?”
“Your wife.”
“Oh, right, right. Diane, my wife. Yes, very sad.”
If the searcher is looking up advice on how to handle this situation, I assume the awkward conversation has already taken place and he wants to find help for next time. Sorry buddy, but if you were the type who was likely to remember my advice for next time, you’d probably also be the type who could remember the person who died.
My post pleading to be an extra in The Great Gatsby movie attracts searches every day from people seeking casting information. I don’t know if the casting agent will care if the actors have read the book or not, but I recommend all actors learn the actual title of the book before showing up on set.
casting for the great gutsy
new grrleat gatsny film actors
As I’ve warned in my two previous Search Engine Oracle posts, be on the lookout for manipulators. They are still hard at work, researching and plotting new methods of manipulation.
how to minipulate people into anything
how do i trick my parents into giving me money
My most popular category of recent searches has come from the lovelorn. I probably received 100 searches in the past month from people unsure how to respond to unrequited love who are led to my post When Someone You Don’t Love Says I Love You.
she said i love you and it’s only been 2 weeks
what can you do if someone loves you but you don’t love them
said i think i might love you by text and she didn’t respond
said i love you she said thank you
said i love you then he disappeared
My favorite of these is:
what to say when someone says i love you when you just meat them
Is “meating” someone new slang that the cool kids are saying? I don’t like you. I don’t love you. I just meat you. Maybe this is meant to be a derogatory anti-term-of-endearment between vegetarians.
Other recent favorites:
never point a figer at people
This is probably a misspelling of “finger”, but it might also be a misspelling of “tiger” since “f” and “t” are neighbors on the keyboard. Admittedly you shouldn’t point a finger at people, but it’s even more important not to point a tiger at them.
is it nudity if bathing suit is see thru
It’s hard to say without seeing you in the bathing suit; could you send me some pictures so I can make a ruling?
bathing suit looks like i peed in pants
I don’t know if you were looking for a solution or sympathy, but get a new swimsuit. There isn’t much I can recommend except buying a new suit or peeing on the rest of the bathing suit to make it blend.
what do you call someone who loves clowns
Answer: Another clown. Honestly, is there anybody who likes clowns besides clowns?
good news and bad news the bad news we only have sand to eat
What I wouldn’t give to know the good news that he/she thought might negate only having sand to eat. In my mind this a husband breaking the news to his wife, “The bad news is that we only have sand to eat. The good news is that we’ve got lots of it.”
The Good Greatsby 
Carl D'Agostino
August 1, 2011
“Hail to the Nerds and their Pocket Protectors” is the most searched post on my blog . I guess they are searching nerds or pocket protectors.
The Good Greatsby
August 1, 2011
That might be some valuable inside information–maybe pocket protectors are about to make a comeback and I should invest.
georgettesullins
August 1, 2011
Here’s a head scratcher — “hhow to know if youve ever been pregnant”
Really?
The Good Greatsby
August 1, 2011
I’d love to know the background story on that search.
She's a Maineiac
August 1, 2011
I had to check mine out and here’s my favorites:
nothing i’d read prepared me for a body this cruel
sometime i think if i sing and brush my hair at the same time, it will have special powers and glow(:
pauly d has to take evasive action in the hot tub.
The Good Greatsby
August 1, 2011
Those are all great. Did you ever write a post about singing and brushing hair at the same time giving special powers?
She's a Maineiac
August 3, 2011
And I scratch my head even more with today’s search:
why my son stops in the middle of something and freezes and thinks
Damn, if only my blog had the answer to that mystery.
gerknoop
August 1, 2011
Oh Greatsby…how could I ever start my morning without you now! LOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL….
The Good Greatsby
August 1, 2011
I hope the question is rhetorical.
thelifeofjamie
August 1, 2011
You seem to be followed by a lot of poor spellers.
The Good Greatsby
August 1, 2011
Google seems to think we’d be a good match.
sgmarinova
August 1, 2011
hahahahaa. i love ridiculous search engine searches 🙂 currently i have a lot concerning pubic hair and porn stars 🙂 the powers of the internet.
The Good Greatsby
August 1, 2011
I’ll have to pay closer attention to your site if you have those kinds of posts.
Byron MacLymont
August 1, 2011
“Gee, Gutsy, I don’t know if we’ll make it! Maybe we should just hide?”
“Hide? The Great Gutsy hide? Why, I ain’t a-scared of nothin’, see? Nothin’!
The Good Greatsby
August 2, 2011
I would be intrigued by a Gatsby sequel called The Great Gutsy.
gojulesgo
August 1, 2011
I’m so glad you posted a follow-up on this, because I’ve been dying to tell you about the number of people who now reach my blog by searching for “young niked gipsies” and “‘i’m not mad just disapointed”.
Being able to see the search terms is probably the greatest thing about WordPress. Or maybe ever. Hilarious post, as always!
The Good Greatsby
August 2, 2011
I’ll nix my planned post on niked gipsies.
HoaiPhai
August 1, 2011
I don’t know what you’re laughing at… if it weren’t for me googling “The Fonz’s Shanghai smoking jacket”, I never would have found your blog.
My post’s funniest search term is “pictuers of weiner” and the most common one is “august fool”.
madtante
August 1, 2011
new grrleat gatsny film actors
There’s one of my would-be boyfriends.
Dana
August 1, 2011
Hahahaha! The most popular search terms on my blog are “ugly christmas sweater”, “stressed out cat”, “chlorella diarrhea”, “chlorella vomit”, and “contrary to what you have heard i am not dead”. So apparently, if you are a stressed out feline who is interested in ugly sweaters, puke, or crap– check out my blog! 🙂
Lunar Euphoria
August 1, 2011
Very funny!
Here are a few from mine that make my imagination run wild with the possibilities…
shell pump verifies credit card but says see cashier
how can i read an egg after a limpia
how many suns are there
jacquelincangro
August 2, 2011
Here’ my favorite from this week. What are they trying to say?
“once you realize the only hope you have if you are already dead”
ryoko861
August 2, 2011
Geez, I don’t get any of those cool search terms. Mine are pretty boring. Then again, my blog isn’t what you call news worthy or anything. It’s sort of like people’s texts that don’t check the autocorrect after sending.
analyfe
August 2, 2011
This is hilarious! My most interesting this week were “asian double cuddle” and “youre next girlfriends: the 100 qualities he should possess.” The search engine oracle might just have the most entertaining job out there.
Surrey gal
August 2, 2011
Pee in the sea/swimming suit/whatever water is around you so your whole swimming suit is wet, not only the crotch.
Billie Jo Woods
August 2, 2011
Since you shared your’s, I will share my very disturbing one from this past week. Trust me when I tell you it does not relate to any of my posts. It must be because of my last name. Warning it is very disturbing:
“i wood like foe my dad wood have sex me and my mother”
Thomas Stazyk
August 2, 2011
Yep. I always check my search terms and wonder what’s going on. This one came yesterday:
nurse or doctor she her finger prostate
Spectra
August 2, 2011
“vacuum sealed duck pregnant”
but, why?
spilledinkguy
August 2, 2011
My wife has a fear of clowns.
I’ll admit to having used that to my advantage in the past.
Although she also told my my bathing suit wasn’t see-thru, so, you know… I figure we’re about even.
EllieAnn
August 2, 2011
I love the bad news eat sand one. LoL! That’s what I have to tell anyone I challenge to a footrace.
Ps. This post is hilarious.
Laura
August 2, 2011
The strangest search term I’ve gotten recently is “naked jayne mansfield” — I don’t think any of those three words occur anywhere in any of my posts.
But my favorite is “can i have a picture of a bay leaf?”. Yes, it really should have been “may I please have a picture of a bay leaf?”, but I still think it’s sweet that someone’s at least making an effort to try to ask Google nicely.
stuffialmostbought
August 2, 2011
Dude – loving your blog – but clearly have not delved far enough into past posts! The search engine hits have certainly sparked my curiosity!!!
P.S. Sorry – my 13 yr old niece made me write “Dude”. Apparantly it is back in vogue…
nancyfrancis
August 3, 2011
mmm sand.
Brynn
August 3, 2011
I thought I was late on replying to this post, but then I saw that somebody posted tomorrow. So that’s good.
Google has directed many questionable people to my page:
“mice running in stomach”
“little finger-goodbye-germans”
“trained raccoon”
“probability of contracting ebola”
P.S. the bathing suit pee one made me lol in real life.
lynnbiederstadt
August 3, 2011
Damn, boy…I need you to write some of these for me. I think I’m just boring. Hey, maybe that should be my next search term….
Lenore Diane
August 3, 2011
god help anyone who happens upon your blog looking for advice about love…. Ok really, I just want to be a fly on the wall of the person who heeds your advice.
Kim
August 4, 2011
“poop pantys” led someone to my blog… wtf, man! lol
Jillian Harvie
August 6, 2011
one of mine said “I sh%t out my mom” ????????????????????