The Search Engine Oracle Keeps on Speaking

Posted on August 1, 2011


Every search term tells a story.  As I explained in my previous posts, Search Engine Oracle one and two, I like to imagine the circumstances that inspire these searchers to rush to a search engine seeking advice.  What happened to this searcher earlier in the day?

what do you say when someone tells you that someone died that you can’t remember

I imagine he had experienced the following awkward conversation earlier in the day:

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“What?  What do you mean?”
“We were so sorry to hear about Diane’s death.”
“Your wife.”
“Oh, right, right.  Diane, my wife.  Yes, very sad.”

If the searcher is looking up advice on how to handle this situation, I assume the awkward conversation has already taken place and he wants to find help for next time.  Sorry buddy, but if you were the type who was likely to remember my advice for next time, you’d probably also be the type who could remember the person who died.

My post pleading to be an extra in The Great Gatsby movie attracts searches every day from people seeking casting information.  I don’t know if the casting agent will care if the actors have read the book or not, but I recommend all actors learn the actual title of the book before showing up on set.

casting for the great gutsy

new grrleat gatsny film actors

As I’ve warned in my two previous Search Engine Oracle posts, be on the lookout for manipulators.  They are still hard at work, researching and plotting new methods of manipulation.

how to minipulate people into anything

how do i trick my parents into giving me money

My most popular category of recent searches has come from the lovelorn.  I probably received 100 searches in the past month from people unsure how to respond to unrequited love who are led to my post When Someone You Don’t Love Says I Love You.

she said i love you and it’s only been 2 weeks

what can you do if someone loves you but you don’t love them

said i think i might love you by text and she didn’t respond

said i love you she said thank you

said i love you then he disappeared

My favorite of these is:

what to say when someone says i love you when you just meat them

Is “meating” someone new slang that the cool kids are saying?  I don’t like you.  I don’t love you.  I just meat you.  Maybe this is meant to be a derogatory anti-term-of-endearment between vegetarians.

Other recent favorites:

never point a figer at people

This is probably a misspelling of “finger”, but it might also be a misspelling of “tiger” since “f” and “t” are neighbors on the keyboard.  Admittedly you shouldn’t point a finger at people, but it’s even more important not to point a tiger at them.

is it nudity if bathing suit is see thru

It’s hard to say without seeing you in the bathing suit; could you send me some pictures so I can make a ruling?

bathing suit looks like i peed in pants

I don’t know if  you were looking for a solution or sympathy, but get a new swimsuit.  There isn’t much I can recommend except buying a new suit or peeing on the rest of the bathing suit to make it blend.

what do you call someone who loves clowns

Answer: Another clown.  Honestly, is there anybody who likes clowns besides clowns?

good news and bad news the bad news we only have sand to eat

What I wouldn’t give to know the good news that he/she thought might negate only having sand to eat.  In my mind this a husband breaking the news to his wife, “The bad news is that we only have sand to eat.  The good news is that we’ve got lots of it.”

Posted in: Columns