Smack Talk 101: Can I get you a bowl of smackaroni and cheese?

Posted on October 11, 2011


Smack talk is not my strong suit.

Some people think half the fun of a fantasy football league is sending taunting emails and texts to other players, but I’ve never liked mean humor and I have a hard time getting into the spirit of being one of the guys while worrying about crossing the line.  Smack talk shouldn’t be too mean or too true, and the following smack goes too far:

Question: What’s up, playa?  Answer: My total points this week!  Also your blood sugar because of your advanced diabetes!  Zing!

Congratulations on your win!  I wish I had more time to research my lineup, but I got distracted spending time with my loving wife and kids.  I guess you have all the time you want since your wife left you, huh?  Zing!

I can’t believe you’ve already lost four times this season.  Well, five if you include losing your job!  Zing!

I always fear being too mean so I over-compensate and end up making borderline neutral comments:

If your team were a fruit, it would be a banana because bananas bruise so easily, just like your team.  (Have you checked your injury report yet today?  If not, check it now and then re-read my message.  But seriously, hope your players get well soon.)

I bet you wish your team had won. A few more points and they would have.  Better luck next week.  Your team isn’t very good.  Zing!

I’ve been practicing smack talk with the kids as we play baseball or board games, but Mrs. Good Greatsby worries about letting them have free rein to be disrespectful, so I’ve given them the requirement that all smack talk must actually contain the word ‘smack’.

Optimist Prime: Can I get you some smackaroni and cheese?
Me: Good one.  And if we do really have any macaroni and cheese, would you please get me some?  I bet your favorite actor is Smack Nicholson.
The Fonz and Optimist Prime: Who’s Smack Nicholson?
Me: Jack Nicholson.  He was in Chinatown.
Optimist Prime: I haven’t seen it.
Me: Nor should you.  You’re too young.
The Fonz: I bet your favorite sandwich is smack and cheese.
Me: What is the ‘smack’ supposed to be in that sandwich?
The Fonz: ?
Me: Are you just trying to copy Optimist Prime’s smackaroni and cheese, and you forget the smackaroni is from macaroni and doesn’t go on a sandwich?
The Fonz: ?
Optimist Prime: I bet your favorite football team is the Green Bay Smackers.
Me: If you mean Green Bay Packers, you’re right.  I bet your favorite band is Nickelsmack
The Fonz and Optimist Prime: Who’s Nickelsmack?
Me: It’s a band called Nickelback.  I can’t name a single song but I heard they’re popular even though they’re terrible.
Optimist Prime: If you were in a movie, you’d be in Smack to the Future.
Me: I don’t mind because that’s a great movie.
Optimist Prime: But I mean the second one.
Me: Ouch!  That’s cold.
The Fonz: Maybe you should smack for your vacation.
Me: What?
The Fonz: Like pack for your vacation.
Me: You’re the one who needs a vacation because you look a little tired.  Does your back hurt from getting beaten so badly?  Maybe you should see a smackupuncturist.
The Fonz: What?
Me: Do you need any Clearasil to clear up your smackne?
Optimist Prime: Huh?
Me: Before I do the next one, what author are you more familiar with, Jack Kerouac or Cormac McCarthy?
Optimist Prime: Neither.
Me: Maybe you should wear a diaper in case you get so scared you have a smackcident.
The Fonz and Optimist Prime: Can we go to bed early tonight?

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