Back in April I wrote a post about the search terms leading viewers to my site. I continue to be fascinated by these terms as many of them feel like very, very short stories providing insight into the searcher’s life. When someone enters ‘how to reply to a back handed compliment‘, I like to think the searcher is at work, has just received a back-handed compliment, and has rushed to her computer seeking a witty response in hopes of rushing back to the back-handed complimenter, and saying, “I’m sorry, could you say that again?”
I wrote a post about ransoming a ransom note, and search engines have been sending ransom note inquiries my way ever since. I’ve received many variations of:
ransom – worksheet; ransom note fingerprints; ransom note font
I’ve had a few dozen ransom-related searches,and I hope none of them were real kidnappers looking for advice on how to write a ransom note, but it wouldn’t surprise me. If you’ve ended up in the kidnapping industry, I kind of assume you aren’t a strong writer. And even if you are a strong writer, it’s not like you practiced ransom notes in business correspondence class. If someone really was writing a ransom letter, I hope it was only for a dognapping:
dog ransom letter; i have your dog ransom note
My post on Princess Beatrice’s Fascinator has attracted more than 700 searches. Immediately after the post I was getting 150 extra search engine views a day, and I considered renaming the blog princessbeatricesfascinator.com, but my wife convinced me to sleep on it for a week. This is why it can be hard to judge the quality of a post based on views. The fascinator post has received a total of 1,614 views as of today, making it one of my most-viewed posts, but it’s popularity probably has more to do with my decision to 
emphasize the word ‘fascinator’ instead of ‘hat’, and less to do with it being far and away better than other posts. If you type ‘Beatrice Fascinator’ into Google or Yahoo, my post will be on the first page, and maybe even in the top 2 to 3. Because my posts are satirical, the search engines often send viewers my way who were probably looking for something serious, but in the case of the fascinators, many searchers were in fact looking for humor:
obama in princess beatrice’s hat; obama wearing fascinators
Many people wanted to know what they would look like wearing Beatrice’s fascinator.
what would you look like wearing a facinator hat
put beatrice’s hat on my head
I don’t mind Beatrice’s fascinator, but I think the name fascinator takes the whole thing too seriously. I find them more whimsical than fascinating and would suggest calling them Seussinators.
I’m puzzled by the following search:
books
Really, Google? Books? That’s all the information the searcher gave you, and you sent him to my site? I wrote one post about advantages of the traditional book over the Kindle, but I have to assume I would be number 10,000 if you typed books into a search engine. And who entered the term books? Was he looking for recommendations of any books, regardless of genre or quality? Or maybe he was attending a cocktail party where a girl seemed impressed by how many books another guest had read, and the searcher asked, “If books are such a big deal, how come I’ve never heard of them?” and everyone laughed at him, and he rushed home to look it up.
I still get plenty of joke searches from troublemakers:
is “good greatsby’s” favorite actor vin diesel?
the good greatsby is like a superhuman alien robot
how to get your kids to do the opposite of everything the good greatsby says?
If you are responsible for any of these three searches, please admit your guilt, especially the one about Vin Diesel.
I’m still getting lots of searches seeking advice on how to manipulate people:
how to manipulate people so they like you
My post was only about how to manipulate people into throwing you a party. I never promised they would like you afterwards. I can almost promise they won’t like you afterwards.
I’m especially concerned about this search:
good greatsbt
Who is this good greatsbt? Did good greatsbt think I wouldn’t notice if he took my name and changed it by one letter? Watch your back, good greatsbt.
Laura
June 8, 2011
There’s probably a huge market for ransom worksheets. The reason I’ve never actually gone through with a kidnapping is that I can never figure out how much ransom to ask for; if I had a worksheet that took into account my expenses, the number of people I’d have to share the ransom with, the victim’s family’s income and assets, and the level of emotional attachment the family has to the victim, then I could just plug in the numbers and get a ransom amount I could feel confident asking for.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
You just gave me a great idea for an app. I may have to delete your comment so nobody knows I stole your idea.
georgettesullins
June 8, 2011
I entered the blogging world with “Happy Birthday to My Aunt”…to date it seems to be the most popular search. Thank you for shedding more light on this. Great idea for a post.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
A lot of people have aunts, and I bet all of those aunts have birthdays, so I could see your post being popular.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 8, 2011
I just Googled and references to you fill up all of page one except for the Denver Broncos. And that was when I Googled “the royal family.” Now I’ll Google “deity.” This is fun.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I actually have seen a Denver Broncos reference when searching Good Greatsby. I think it was something about John Elway being a big fan.
She's a Maineiac
June 8, 2011
You should write a post about kidnapping Beatrice’s fascinator. Google gold, baby! I get more hits for a short post I wrote a long time ago about vacuuming up my kids’ toys than any other. Didn’t realize it was such an epidemic and I am proud to have brought this pressing issue to light.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
It really is odd what posts will get the most search engine hits.
the master
June 8, 2011
Before I go on I’d like to say that these search terms are in no way reflective of my content, but I get some, shall we say, suggestive searches. I can only imagine the disappointment of the two inquisitive souls who typed in “Barely Legal” and got a comic about an imprisoned serial killer. This happens even when I’m not trying. On another site I wrote a serial called “The Treehouse”, a supernatural tale about the the disappearance of three schoolboys. Shortly afterwards someone stopped by looking for “treehouse threesomes”. Again, definitely not reflective of the content, but at the very least I hope it unnerved the searcher as much as the searcher unnerved me.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I once wrote a post about a receptionist who compliments your hair but makes you sound really old, and I get searches every day looking for variations of ‘blonde receptionist’ and I’m pretty sure I know what those people were looking for.
paigekellerman
June 8, 2011
As far as the person who Googled “books”, I believe he’s visited my site, as I received a hit from someone looking for “Where did books came from”….That’s right..”came”..
However, it’s not just illiterates who visit me, I must tap into the perv demographic fairly well, as my most recent referrals were “big old ladies wrestle” and “dead people’s possessions”…
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I like your “Where did books came from” better than my “books”. I could have had a lot of fun with your search term.
frigginloon
June 8, 2011
Blahahaha, I got 2,500 hits on Prince William’s Penis” the day of his wedding.
Bearman
June 9, 2011
Was that before or after you got your own hit on Prince William’s Penis?
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Hmm…
nancyfrancis
June 8, 2011
I clearly don’t have content on my blog worthy of googling! The search engine responses I get are few – and more importantly, BORING. Today I had ‘bugs bunny teeth’ and yesterday ‘clutter’. At least they’re being referred to my better posts.
I might start googling really random stuff and just throw ‘Nancy Francis’ in there somewhere just to populate my search engine results with a bit more intrigue.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I’ll try and send some interesting search terms your way.
Amy
June 8, 2011
Dammit, I was going to post a Google search terms post tomorrow on my blog. Now, I’ll just look like I’m copying you. Hmmm. If I wrote a post about your post about Google search terms, I wonder what my search terms would then look like?
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I’m also going to start doing a zombie post on the last day of every month.
Amy
June 9, 2011
You wouldn’t. Bastard.
Tori Nelson
June 8, 2011
I wrote a few posts on poop, experiences stepping in poop, and uncomfortable pooping situations. That’s the go-to search for my site. Glad to know I bring some maturity to the blogosphere.
The Vin Diesel thing is pretty low. I would’ve at least gone with Michael Jordan for his riveting performance in Space Jams.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Somebody has to be an expert on poop–why not you?
Sid
June 8, 2011
I would like to know why people are constantly searching for evil puppies.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Maybe they were looking for pet stores selling evil puppies, so they could give one as a gift to someone they didn’t like.
Lenore Diane
June 8, 2011
I think I am going to have to use your name in every post I write from here on out. I’ll throw in ‘Beatrice’ and ‘fascinator’ on ocassion, too. You wouldn’t mind would you, Good Greatsbt?
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Who is this Good Greatsbt everybody is talking about?
thelifeofjamie
June 8, 2011
I wanted to share my search terms. Orangutans with guns. Apparently someone is trying to frame someone. I also have deep belly button inches and chelsea handler chapstick cat. I’m confused at the correlation between them all because I can safely say- Chelsea Handler has never put chapstick on my cat!
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Or maybe there’s a chapstick for cats endorsed by Chelsea Handler. If not, there should be.
bridgesburning
June 8, 2011
The search engine loves you and your words..I think the goodgreatsbt was just a typo..but how nice that like all roads it leads to you!!!
Chris
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
It would be easy to conclude it was a typo, but isn’t it more fun to think there’s a Good Greatsbt out there?
Lunar Euphoriana
June 8, 2011
I’ve become rather obsessed with my search terms to the point I recently posted a “poem” out of them on my blog . (The magnetic words on the fridge sort of poetry). I get “flying pigs” a lot.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Search term poetry is a great idea. I’ll check out your post.
limr
June 8, 2011
The most common search term that leads people to me is ‘palimpsest’. I had no idea so many people were interested in that word/object. I also get tons of searches involving cats. I have no idea why. But my favorite one so far has been ‘deaf sex bulgaria”. I don’t want to know, I truly don’t.
Alas, no one has treated me to a search bomb, unless you count my boyfriend searching for “As a Linguist is hot.”. But I told him to do that, so it doesn’t count.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I didn’t start reading your blog until a couple months ago so I have no idea whether you’ve posted anything on “deaf sex bulgaria” in the past.
madtante
June 8, 2011
Again, due to my utter block-out of anything relevant if found on tv or radio, I missed “the fascinator.” Now, I have to search it!
And DUDE, I hope there is a “what would I look like” cos I don’t even want to try to photoshop that.
“my wife convinced me to sleep on it for a week”
I like your wife.
madtante
June 8, 2011
Hang on…I’m searching and I can’t read due to being distracted by this “lady’s” fingernails. I’m TERRIFIED.
http://www.pinupsart-n-style.com/make-a-fascinator.html
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I’m lucky to have her around to talk me out of things.
spilledinkguy
June 8, 2011
HAHAHA!
YES!
I knew that search would pay off! Comedy GOLD (I was inspired by your previous search terms post)!
I haven’t been this pleased with myself in a long, long time.
Which is sad.
But that’s okay.
Because I’m still pleased.
🙂
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I suspected you right away, but I knew you’d feel better if you confessed.
manneredgold
June 9, 2011
I am now ridiculously jealous of thelifeofjamie’s “chelsea handler chapstick cat”. I just get the same sad saps looking for the same Sherwin Williams paint color while trying to tie the same Half Windsor knot. Over and over… Chapstick! Cat!
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I’ll have to check out your blog for paint and tie knot advice.
k8edid
June 9, 2011
I’ve got two words for ya: Caffeinated pants
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
If those haven’t been invented yet, they should be.
k8edid
June 9, 2011
Oh, but they most certainly have….
azzahawk
June 9, 2011
i googled ‘Most Sucky Blogs’ and it sent me straight to you…!
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I must clarify this comment came from an actor friend of mine and he made this comment while in character as someone pretending this blog sucks.
modestypress
June 9, 2011
Searching on “no results” I found
http://noresults.tumblr.com/
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Not a bad idea for keeping your blog name on people’s minds.
jacquelincangro
June 9, 2011
This week the top search engine on my blog is “union inflatable rat.”
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Have you written any posts about “union inflatable rats”?
Invisible Mikey
June 9, 2011
I get searches based on the celebrity names I have mentioned mostly, but I do read a blog called The Mad Ones, written by Liana Merlo. http://lianamerlo.wordpress.com
She has a whole section on her Home page listing “Strange Search phrases People Have Used to Find My Blog”, which currently includes:
girls don’t poop
proper manners to slice bread loaf at outback
where to buy freddy krueger popcorn buckets
girls being hypnotized to wear diapers
she makes me go to church
are square toilets comfortable?
my car vents throw mad fumes
(and last, but not least)
like you but only pretty
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
It’s funny to read a collection of search terms leading to someone else’s blog and realizing they are no help in understanding what the blog is about.
Binky
June 9, 2011
You get searches? From Google?? I am very impressed. One day I hope to get googled too, so maybe I should do a cartoon on how to ransom a hat to a princess, or maybe one on a book about how to manipulate Vin Diesel.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Please write a book on how to manipulate Vin Diesel into retiring.
Hi, I'm Natalie.
June 9, 2011
*raises hand* I’m guilty. But not the one about Vin Diesel.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
As long as aren’t responsible for the Vin Diesel slander, I guess we can still be friends.
K.
June 9, 2011
“Elderly man pee jar,” twice.
I feel bad for these people. They’re obviously having toileting issues and being sent to a completely irrelevant blog written by two mothers of young children. And yes, I was the one who used “pee jar” in a post.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Thanks for reminding us of the sad plight of elderly men with pee jar issues.
savesprinkles1234
June 9, 2011
I’ve had a few really perverse search terms. They were so bad that I can’t even write them! Let’s just say that a fair share of weirdos on the sex offender’s registry have probably been directed to my blog. ICK!!
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I get a lot of terms that aren’t necessarily disgusting, but they were obviously seeking adult content.
Alaina Mabaso
June 9, 2011
I actually like the comments on this post as much as the post itself. I’ve been tempted to write a blog post on Google search terms myself, but worried that it’s been done. Clearly this doesn’t impinge on the humor. I’ve been writing about my goldfish fry recently and today someone landed on my blog after searching for “Goldfish egg hatching machine”. But my favorite search term ever was “Alaina Mabaso says”. Not only is someone interested in my opinions; he obviously found exactly what he was looking for on my blog.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
I’m not the first to write about search terms, and I’ve always enjoyed the other search term posts I’ve read. It’s always fun because other bloggers love to comment on the post and share their terms.
Rachael Black
June 9, 2011
Okay now I am tempted to formulate a truly peculiar and/or random search for your site. It has also me thinking it’s time to review mine.I’m frightened, and of course, blame you completely.
The Good Greatsby
June 9, 2011
Maybe better if you don’t look.
Girly
June 10, 2011
“Cradle his balls” is one used to find me. And it actually makes perfect sense. Don’t mind if I do.
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
I’m trying to think what post of yours Google would have sent that searcher to.
flippingchannels
June 10, 2011
You get much better search terms than I do. I just get things like acudetox and lasagna.
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
In defense of your search terms, lasagna is pretty good.
ellieswords
June 11, 2011
I wonder what I would tell the man who asked, “what are books?” at a party. Which book would I recommend he reads first? Hm.
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
You probably wouldn’t tell him anything because you’d walk away and find another guest worth talking to.
yogaleigh
November 10, 2011
Not very many things make me laugh out loud but this post did — more than once! Thanks!
Thomas Wayne
January 18, 2012
I write a humor blog that has a lot of randomness, so I expect some weird search terms. But I have still been shocked numerous times by what brought people to my blog. In fact, I started a series of posts called viewer mail that looks at these terms. Sometimes I answer their questions — I’m always glad to share my ignorance — and sometimes I’m just confused. Here’s a few examples:
build your own particle accelerator
pickles diarrhea
will people realize obama is a joke
can a man wear black belt and brown shoes
shampoo fraud conspiracy
burn calories poop
can the sun be dangerous
cycling calories burned smell
subservient chicken
how to tell a coworker they smell
what men do in bathrooms dynomite
bad farts cause headache
turn homemade bread into a bear
how to build a billion dollar palace
why are chimpanzees smarter then humans?
I could keep listing more that are just as crazy and unexpected. I had not written about all those things, so I don’t know how Google (or perhaps a generic-brand search engine) figured my blog would help them. But I provided answers to all these topics, since obviously someone wants to know about them. It was actually quite fun, and it gives me more to write about. Feel free to add to any of my explanations if you have insight on any of that stuff.