The Bieb Wanted for Questioning

Posted on May 30, 2012


Justin Bieber has been accused of roughing up a photographer who tried to take pictures of him at a shopping center. Apparently the photographer was minding his own business when the hulking 5’1″, 80-pound Bieber snapped and brutally manhandled him. Miraculously, the photographer survived the incident and was taken to a local hospital where doctors treated him for a severe case of pansy-itis.

What has our society come to when people are willing to pretend Justin Bieber beat them up in order to make a quick buck? No amount of money won in a lawsuit will overcome the indignity of admitting to being bullied by the Bieb. What can you buy with money won from a Bieber lawsuit that will fill the void left by the loss of your manhood?

I assume any man willing to stoop to such levels needs the money in hopes of impressing a girl. If only he knew that in the hierarchy of using money to impress girls, not all wealth is created equal. Scientists say women’s wealth attraction corresponds to the following hierarchy:

1. Earning it.

2. Inheriting it.

3. Stealing it.

4. Winning it in a lawsuit after being beaten up by Sean Penn.

64. Winning it in a lawsuit after being beaten up by Justin Bieber.

I remember when I was a kid and Sean Penn beat up a photographer who had been following him and Madonna around. There was a certain pride in having your camera smashed by Sean Penn, one of our finest actors. I imagine paparazzi spend a lot of time hiding behind bushes and passing the time telling war stories about all the celebrities who’ve thrown a drink at them or tried to stab them with keys, and I’m sure some celebs win more oohs and ahhs than others.

Cool celebs to have beaten you up:

1. Tom Hanks, Regis Philbin, Bob Barker, Jimmy Stewart, Mr. Belvedere

Not cool:

1. Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, any members of the Brady Bunch, Webster

The news reports say the police want to bring Bieber in for questioning. I assume the questions will take place in the following order:

1. Will you sign this for my daughter?

2. Will you sign this for my wife?

3. Will you sign this and make it out to my friend ‘Steve’–and I know you’re thinking, ‘But your name’s Steve’ but I swear it’s for a friend of mine who’s named like I’m named.

4. So this guy says you beat him up?  Um…did he accidentally trip and fall on your fist?

5. But seriously, did he accidentally trip and fall on your fist?