The Eligibile Bachelor Gods Giveth and They Taketh Away

Posted on July 30, 2012


Some people like to recite an affirmation as they look at themselves in the mirror each morning. Mrs. Greatsby likes to motivate herself by reading from a Post-It note pinned to the mirror listing the world’s most eligible bachelors.

I don’t mind because I know whenever George Clooney is on the list she’ll do something fancy with her hair.

She’s out of town right now so I’ve been keeping the list updated in her absence, and when she returns she’ll find the eligible bachelor gods have given as well as taken away. Just when ladies all over the world began celebrating the news that Robert Pattinson and his Twilight co-star, Kristen Stewart, might be breaking up, their enthusiasm was immediately tempered by news that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un is off the market.

Not every woman dreams of marrying a dictator, but for the handful that do, they realize how rarely a single dictator comes along and are kicking themselves over the lost opportunity.

But ladies, marrying Kim Jong-Un might not turn out to be the fairytale marriage you dreamed of as a little girl. Yes, he has his own country, and that may be impressive to your old classmates when you introduce him at high school reunions, but he also believes he’s the reincarnation of his grandfather so you know things are going to get weird in the bedroom.

And you know he’ll never help out around the house or change diapers or agree to let your sister and her kids stay at the palace for a couple months while she’s going through another divorce.

Maybe you have a thing for the bad boys and were convinced you could have changed Kim Jong-Un; maybe you’d convince him to swap the military garb for a polo shirt and some chinos, and he’d meet your parents at the country club and realize how pleasant domestic, non-dictatorial life can be?

But here’s the flaw in your plan: putting up with disapproving in-laws and attending neighborhood barbecues is what drives some men to want to be dictators.

If you can’t be dissuaded, and you absolutely have your heart set on snagging a dictator, there’s still hope, because in the world of dictators it’s always better to be the second wife.


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