Browsing All Posts filed under »Breaking News Fixed«

Scientists Catch-up to Ketchup Solution

May 25, 2012


More exciting news from the world of science! MIT scientists believe they’ve tackled the age-old dilemma of getting the last bit of ketchup out of the bottle, a mystery that has perplexed philosophers from Socrates to my brother-in-law. The scientists have created a bottle coating that will allow famously slow-pouring ketchup to pour as easily […]

Bully for Bully Michelle Obama’s Use of Bully Pulpit

May 18, 2012


I knew Michelle Obama was a tall woman, but this picture of her standing next to the 6’0″ tall soccer star, David Beckham, truly puts her staggering height in perspective. By analyzing her body language, it’s clear this picture was taken while Michelle was in the middle of bullying Beckham. The firm hand on his […]

How Not to Spill Your Coffee When Walking

May 11, 2012


Scientists at the University of California at Santa Barbara have just published a study revealing how not to spill your coffee when walking. Apparently the human gait moves at roughly the same frequency as coffee sloshes back and forth in a mug so each step amplifies the coffee’s sloshing. But these scientists have developed a […]

Hey, Mitt, Make Me Your VP

May 9, 2012


Dear Mitt Romney, I hear you might be looking for a vice president. Allow me to suggest the following potential candidates: 1. Steve Jobs’ ghost–I know some intolerant Americans may complain about a ghost occupying such a high office, especially because ghosts don’t pay taxes, but Jobs might be the one ghost everyone could get behind […]

Boyfriend Goes Hog Wild

April 27, 2012


A Florida man on a hunting trip accidentally shot his girlfriend in the leg when he mistook her for a hog. When she woke up, I wonder how that conversation went. “What happened? Did you shoot me?” “Baby, I promise it was an accident; from a distance you looked just like a hog.” “Can I hold […]

The Not So Secret Service

April 25, 2012


Turns out the Secret Service isn’t so good at keeping secrets. You’ve probably heard about the Secret Service prostitution scandal resulting in many agents being fired after reports surfaced of agents employing the services of prostitutes during a trip to Colombia. The trouble started after one agent woke up the next morning and decided he […]

90 Minutes as a Billionaire

March 23, 2012


In Denmark, 300 people were mistakenly informed they had won 3 billion euros by the state-run lottery company. They were sent an email informing them of their winnings and an hour and a half later they were sent an email informing them of the mistake. I assume the first and second email were accompanied by […]

Cop Steals Pudding; Taken into Custardy

February 24, 2012


Police in Houston arrested one of its own after a cop was repeatedly filmed stealing food and drinks from the break room refrigerator. Local media love a story about a crooked cop and they’ve probably jumped all over this story with the following sensational headlines: Cop Steals Pudding; Taken into Custardy Officer in Pickle After […]

Valentine Hangover: Role-playing Gone Wrong

February 15, 2012


Yesterday, police in Portland were called to investigate reports of an unclothed woman tied up in the back of a Subaru, only to discover she and the driver were playing an elaborate role-playing game to celebrate Valentine’s Day. I like to think once the police officers understood the situation, they took turns teasing the couple […]

First International Mustache Film Festival

February 8, 2012


The first mustache film festival is scheduled to premiere next month in Portland, Maine. The festival aims to celebrate short films featuring mustachioed main characters or mustache storylines. For all aspiring directors hoping to submit a mustache film for consideration, please consider one of the following as a potential name for your movie: Triminator Schindler’s […]

Trump Endorses Romney, May Sway Multimillionaire Blowhard Voting Bloc

February 7, 2012


Donald Trump’s endorsement of Mitt Romney for President really shouldn’t be much of a surprise considering the startling similarities between the two men. Excerpts from Trump’s endorsement: “I actually offered my endorsement to all the candidates but Romney was the only one who would agree to accept the endorsement while standing behind a lectern with […]

America Moons Over 51st State

February 1, 2012


Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has proposed establishing a space colony on the moon by 2020, and has even gone so far as to suggest the Moon could become America’s 51st state. His chief opponent Mitt Romney dismissed the idea as a transparent ploy to capitalize on the Moon’s lower gravity in hopes of artificially […]