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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Columns«
I’m Rubber and You’re Glue, Criticism of Me Bounces Back to You
If you’re going to achieve any level of success in life, you’re going to have to expect some criticism. If you’re not going to achieve any level of success in life, you’re going to have to expect a lot of criticism. How you deal with criticism will have a big impact on your life so […]
Dear Mr. Foosball
August 31, 2012
Dear Mr. Foosball, I recently ordered a foosball table from your company. It was delivered and assembled while I was at work and now that I’ve had some time to look it over I worry it may be inappropriate for our children. Here are my concerns: 1. Why aren’t any of the players smiling? We […]
When are aliens going to report back to us with the results of all that anal probe research?
August 21, 2012
When are aliens going to report back to us with the results of all that anal probe research they’ve been doing? For decades humans have been the butt of jokes in this galaxy after reporting capture by aliens, claiming tests were conducted, and anal regions were probed. If these reports are true, it’s time to […]
Invite Me to Your Yachting Party
July 25, 2012
About once a year I’ll be out with friends at dinner and I’ll take a look around the table and realize: Paul, you could do a lot better than this crowd. But who is this better crowd? Where do they hang out? What kind of dinner jackets are they wearing this season so I can […]
Even More Indifferent State Tourism Slogans
July 4, 2012
Last year in celebration of America’s Independence Day I did two posts on indifferent state slogans but only covered two-thirds of the states. I now present a comprehensive list of all fifty: Alabama: Now with universal phone access in 41 of 67 counties. Alaska: Not the birthplace of Sarah Palin. Arizona: 47 days without a […]
Give Him 2.54 Centimeters and He’ll Take 1.6 Kilometers
July 2, 2012
I’ve spent the majority of my adult life living abroad in Germany and China. When you study foreign language you learn how to speak in the simplest manner possible and avoid the use of idiomatic expressions that obviously wouldn’t exist in another language. When business has required me to translate meetings in German or Chinese, […]
Opening Night Nerves
June 29, 2012
Tonight is opening night. I’m waiting in the dressing room to go out in less than an hour to play Inspector Hound in Tom Stoppard’s The Real Inspector Hound. Some actors are superstitious and like to follow the same rituals before every show. The only tradition I follow is to call the director fifteen minutes […]
Making Ourselves at Home at Your Home
June 22, 2012
When my wife and I are invited into someone’s house and are greeted with the offer “Make yourself at home,” we consider this to be a broad legal cover for any of our bad behavior. If I hit on my wife at home, and I’m making myself at home at your home, how can you […]
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Whispered from the Changing Room Ceiling
June 14, 2012
I’m not a fan of changing rooms. How can a clothing store spend millions of dollars on clothing design, marketing, and store layout, and spend nothing on dressing room lighting? I know it’s not just me because I looked dashing in the mirror at home and looked terrible an hour later at H&M. I always […]
Even More from the Search Engine Oracle
June 11, 2012
I get a lot of variations of this question in my search terms: is he secretly in love with me Yes, he’s in love with you. But no, it’s not a secret. Everyone knows but you. He wanted to tell you but I convinced him to hold off in the hopes that you’d increase your […]
Paul’s Friendship Survey
May 28, 2012
At the end of every Friday or Saturday night on the town, I like to hand my friends a friendship survey to help me evaluate my performance and highlight areas needing improvement: Friendship Survey 1. How would you rate hanging out with Paul on a scale of 1 to 10? 2. Would you recommend hanging […]
Thank You for Inviting Me to the Party. I Apologize for My Behavior at the Party.
May 23, 2012
Thank you for inviting me to the party. Also, I apologize for my behavior at the party. Thank you for the delicious food served at the party. I apologize for filling my backpack with the delicious food and trying to sell it to the other guests at the party. Thank you for telling me to […]
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