When are aliens going to report back to us with the results of all that anal probe research?

Posted on August 21, 2012


When are aliens going to report back to us with the results of all that anal probe research they’ve been doing?

For decades humans have been the butt of jokes in this galaxy after reporting capture by aliens, claiming tests were conducted, and anal regions were probed. If these reports are true, it’s time to tell the aliens to butt out by coming up with a solution we can all get behind.

Some people say we don’t want to offend the aliens and should turn the other cheek. Perhaps alien customs are different and the probing of anal regions could be a sign of friendship, they say. But if this were true, why were only our anal regions probed? Why weren’t those abducted offered the chance to reciprocate by allowing them to offer the aliens a peace probe of friendship?

Well, I’m at the tail end of my patience, and if the aliens really want to be friends, I say we don’t need the kind of friends who are constantly going behind our backs.

I know that kind of attitude may bum some people out, but isn’t it possible aliens know exactly what they’re doing and that uninvited anal probes are as big a social faux pas on Mars as they are on Earth, and this probing was meant to be a threat?

As usual, our politicians have been slow to respond and find themselves bringing up the rear on this issue. They’re too worried about covering their own asses so they don’t get canned in the next election while ordinary Americans are the ones putting their butts on the line.

Getting our politicians behind this issue is going to take more than a kick in the seat of the pants. Maybe the only way to get the politicians behind this issue is to start the rumor that aliens have discovered something of financial value in there, and who knows, maybe they have.

It’s time to come clean, aliens! If there’s something interesting in the human anus, please share your findings or stop probing. If there’s something valuable in there, please share the wealth. I’m sure we can come up with a mutually advantageous agreement. You’ll no longer be forced to steal from us and you won’t have to feel so guilty when you look in your rear view mirror.

Or is it possible aliens have been watching us, monitoring our communications, examining our entry and exit points, and have decided to focus communication efforts on our nether regions after concluding there was far more crap coming out of our mouths than our butts?


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Posted in: Columns