At the end of every Friday or Saturday night on the town, I like to hand my friends a friendship survey to help me evaluate my performance and highlight areas needing improvement:
1. How would you rate hanging out with Paul on a scale of 1 to 10?
2. Would you recommend hanging out with Paul to another friend?
3. What percentage of your laughs at Paul’s jokes would you consider sympathy laughs?
4. If the sympathy laugh to genuine laugh ratio was greater than 2:1, what were the things Paul did that made him sympathetic and made you feel sorry for him to such a degree that you were willing to pretend he was funny when he really wasn’t?
5. Do you have any suggestions for other things Paul could do to make himself easier to feel sorry for?
6. Did you feel Paul did an adequate job pretending to be interested in your problems and/or humorous anecdotes?
7. When a girl approached the table and Paul retold one of your humorous anecdotes but replaced you with himself in the story, and ultimately made the story more interesting, did this bother you? Or were you flattered Paul chose your anecdote as worthy of stealing?
8. How did you feel about the number of times Paul gave high fives? (circle one)
A. I could have used a few more.
B. Just the right amount.
C. Were we at a high school football team reunion and nobody told me?
9. If Paul, your girlfriend, and your mom were all in a burning building, who would you rescue first?
10. Did you feel uncomfortable with any of the props Paul used as he attempted to seem more interesting by creating an image for himself? (circle any props that seemed to go too far and weren’t believable)
eye patch, lasso, brain in jar, hook hand, spelling bee trophy, peanut resembling Abe Lincoln
11. What could Paul do better? (Note: Anything you write should be something you’re absolutely confident you do better than Paul.)
As long as you’re here and already late for work, why not check out the caption contest winner and submit a caption in the new contest?