Dear Mr. Foosball,
I recently ordered a foosball table from your company. It was delivered and assembled while I was at work and now that I’ve had some time to look it over I worry it may be inappropriate for our children. Here are my concerns:
1. Why aren’t any of the players smiling? We want our sons to play sports because they’re fun, not because they feel any pressure from Mom and Dad. And if they don’t have any fun, it’s not worth doing, unless it’s a sport that gets girls, which can also be fun.
2. Why aren’t there any black players? I don’t want my kids thinking black people shouldn’t be allowed to play sports, or are poor at sports, or are poor sports.
3. Why aren’t there any Indian players? I don’t want my kids thinking people from India aren’t good at sports, although to be honest they’re not.
4. I’m a bit concerned that all the players are attached to an aluminum pole causing them to move in unison. We’re trying to teach our kids to be individuals and not always go along with the crowd, and I fear this foosball table might send the wrong message. Do you have any foosball tables where the players are allowed to roam free?
5. I’m concerned about the philosophical implications of my kids controlling these players like a puppet-master or dictator. I worry the more they make decisions for these players, the more they’ll see parallels with religious questions about free will, fate, and destiny. We don’t want to force our children to grow up too fast. We already decided not to have the Nietzsche talk with our kids until they could spell Nietzsche.
6. Do you have any tables without goals? I’d prefer the kids play games without any point system that could designate a winner or loser. We don’t want any losers in our family. It doesn’t seem fair that one person should win just because he’s more talented or practiced harder. It’s not fair that some receive credit for achievement using talents they were born with. Some say we should reward those who work hard to develop their talents but in our family we discourage our kids from working to develop their talents because we view the ability to work hard as just another talent. It’s not fair that some people are born with better talents, and it’s not fair that some are born with the talent to work hard at improving their talents.
7. Also, I’m a little concerned that I’m not better at foosball. Specifically, why am I not better than my kids at foosball? Did you accidentally send me a junior edition which plays to the strengths of shorter people?
Sincerely,
A Concerned Parent
…..
Today is August 31st, the one year anniversary of my birthday last year. Read last year’s birthday post: Dreams that Won’t Come True After 33
The Good Greatsby 
georgettesullins
August 31, 2012
And these guys never sweat. We don’t want our kids to think working/playing requires no sweat.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
Agreed. These guys make it look too easy.
Carl D'Agostino
August 31, 2012
I really react to #6 pinko communist thinking. When I was teaching my granddaughter to play one form of dominoes I would gloat and brag when I won and act angry when I lost and praised her for success. Naturally the set-up was for her to win most of the time. Then I get this “Grandpa, it is not about winning, it is about having fun.” WHAT? WHAT KIND OF SOCIALIST PUNK BUTT CRAP ARE THE SCHOOLS TEACHING OUR KIDS? There is nothing better than rubbing a kid’s face in dog poop and humiliating him in any competition so that he runs home screaming to mother. That is the Christian American way.
Glynis
September 1, 2012
Amen, Brother Carl !
Carl D'Agostino
September 2, 2012
Do you have a blog? If so leave address on my about page.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
I do want my kids to have fun but I also want them to have the experience of losing. That’s why I never go easy on them and taunt them relentlessly after I win.
dianasschwenk
August 31, 2012
funny but also ‘real life’ scary the way some folks have the weirdest concerns about the strangest stuff…
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
How else will my children learn the importance of being hyper-sensitive?
mimijk
August 31, 2012
I think a nod of approval should be given to the fact that all of the players have no arms. As such, the manufacturer may be short sighted in some ways, but clearly quite aware in others.
pegoleg
August 31, 2012
Yeah, it’s obvious that guy dyes his hair AND eyebrows. Pffft.
pegoleg
August 31, 2012
Due to technical difficulties, my comment on a comment got attached to the wrong original comment. Sorry mimijk.
She's a Maineiac
August 31, 2012
Yeah, life is ALL about winning. Why can’t our kids see this? Have you won a single game yet?
And I don’t like the attitude of that guy with the bleached blonde/gold hair and weird eyebrows. He’s way too smug for someone with a giant pole sticking out of his body and a screw where his heart should be.
Happy birthday! I’ve decided not to celebrate the anniversary of my birthday next week. I think it might just be the best birthday yet.
pegoleg
August 31, 2012
Darla, I was trying to comment on your comment and I got lost. Help me!
She's a Maineiac
August 31, 2012
…and now I’m lost about why you’re lost? can you help a girl out here?
pegoleg
August 31, 2012
My comment ended up above (see, up there? right ABOVE your comment?) attached to the comment of a stranger who now thinks she’s picked up a stalker. I don’t know where I am anymore! I wanna go home!!!
She's a Maineiac
August 31, 2012
Ah! Oh yeah! I was blindly responding to your comment in the little notification box up top. I get it now. By the way, what were we talking about? Where am I? Why is it so cold in here?
pegoleg
August 31, 2012
Have you ever noticed on the “Comments I’ve made” page where it show yours and then skips to the latest comments, it can artificially create some really bizarre, jabberwocky kind of conversations?
She's a Maineiac
September 1, 2012
There’s a ‘comments I’ve made’ page?!
pegoleg
September 1, 2012
Sure! That’s where I get all my comment notifications. Under “dashboard”, “home” is “comments I’ve made”. Check it out with all the spare time you have nowadays.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
I really appreciate any time you two put together a string of comments like this that makes my post seem much more popular than it actually is. Please consider using any of my posts as an alternative to email, text messaging, or Skype for keeping in touch with friends and family.
zannyro
August 31, 2012
I would comment, but that would make me the sixth comment…and I feel that I should be the first comment..I deserve to be the first comment…It’s not fair that they get to be listed before me, just because they got here before me….did you set this up so that I would feel inferior to the five people before me?
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
August 31, 2012
Good call on the “Nietzsche talk.” That’s a dicey issue for every parent because while we obviously want our kids to grow up, we don’t want them learning about nihilism or existentialism from the other kids on the school bus or playground. In no time they’ll be pregnant with atheistic, “will to power” ideals….
inukshuk
August 31, 2012
As a part Indian, I’m deeply offended by the notion that India is no good at sports. They’re great, so long as you tailor sports to their way of life. Find a sport where nothing needs to be done in a hurry (say a game would last for three to five days), where you have sufficient breaks for tea (some things in life are important), and bam – Indians are great at that. Just look at cricket…
Not only that, but India did get no less than 6 medals at the olympics, albeit in the somewhat obscure disciplines of synchronised lateral nodding (two new world records, you’ll note) and of the holy triathlon (snake charming, coal walking and divinity reincarnation).
You Westerners just don’t know anything about real sports. Who in their right mind would believe that a shish kebab of dwarves could represent a sport ?
Hippie Cahier
August 31, 2012
Indians are great at that. Just look at cricket… I have this thing where, when I literally laugh out loud I have to tell the imaginary person on my screen that they made me laugh out loud. I wish there were a shorter way to communicate that, but alas, this comment made me laugh out loud.
Hippie Cahier
August 31, 2012
Please ignore the stray comma.
inukshuk
August 31, 2012
What, am I imaginary ?? Noooo, please don’t tell me I’m just trapped inside the body of an armless unsmiling bleach-blond man! Please, Mr. Greatsby, let me out !!
Hippie Cahier
August 31, 2012
I meant it in a nice way. 🙂
Carl D'Agostino
September 2, 2012
and at least they do not participate in that dopey curling thing.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
I didn’t forget Indians were good at cricket, but I did struggle to think of a second sport. I just assumed culturally Indians weren’t that interested in sports. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
dzyr
August 31, 2012
Reblogged this on UmunyaRubanda and commented:
this is just hilarious
Hippie Cahier
August 31, 2012
I was similarly disappointed with my purchase of “The Game of Life”.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
It bothers me that all the character pieces in ‘The Game of Life’ have the same haircut. What kind of message does that send kids about blending in with the crowd?
Hippie Cahier
September 3, 2012
So true. Plus, I want to know when I get to cash in my “Trade Salary” card. I’m lookin’ at you, Warren Buffett.
pegoleg
August 31, 2012
All valid points, except the players DO seem to be smiling. Maybe more of a smirk, now that I look more closely.
philosophermouseofthehedge
August 31, 2012
The mouth may be smiling – but look at the eyes!
pegoleg
August 31, 2012
You’re right! Dead. Cold and dead. I bet these guys have been told to go for the intentional brain injury to their opponents.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
Those aren’t the eyes of willing participants. All the joy for life has been sucked out of them by the restraints of that aluminum pole.
philosophermouseofthehedge
September 3, 2012
not pole dancing, then?
susielindau
August 31, 2012
I think that foosball player dyes his hair. Look at his eyebrows! That is a sure sign.
philosophermouseofthehedge
August 31, 2012
Must be due to a product endorsement agreement?
susielindau
September 1, 2012
I am sure!
Laura
September 1, 2012
That’s his natural hair color. He dyes his eyebrows.
susielindau
September 1, 2012
Hahaha!
torrynwinship
August 31, 2012
(Hypothetical)Response from the seller: Dear Concerned Parent,
We apologize for any distress our game may have cause you or your children. Enclosed with this letter you will find one black player and one indian player, both of whom are smiling, and neither of which are attached by an aluminum rod. We hope that these diverse additions to your table will foster a more liberal nature for your children as they cannot control them. Also, we have created custom goal-covers for your table. Our hope is that with the goals covered, your children will be able to enjoy the game with their new players by mindlessly bouncing the ball from wall-to-wall. Lastly, I personally made the addition of “Foosbeginner: A guide to help you defeat youths and any other advesaries.” I hope that this book will help you defeat your children and teach them the valuable lesson of losing.
Sincerely,
Mr. Foosball
torrynwinship
August 31, 2012
I apologize for my misspellings. I need to stop using my phone to write.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
The more I’m on the receiving end of the losing, the less I believe this message I’ve been feeding them about the value of losing.
Binky
August 31, 2012
I prefer sports where no physical action is required, like watching TV and eating chocolate. They’re also much better preparation for real life.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
But I still worry one of my kids may eat chocolate better than the other and I don’t want them to feel like they’re competing.
writerdood
August 31, 2012
I was going to paint all of mine to look like zombies, but I wasn’t motivated enough to do it. Actually, the foosball table never gets used. It sits in the back room collecting dust. I think of all the hard work it was putting it together, and I’m disgusted. Maybe I should get a bunch of those troll dolls with the long hair and use them to replace all the players. I wonder how long it would be before the kids even noticed.
Here’s some interesting ones: http://www.oddee.com/item_96997.aspx
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
I might just steal that zombies idea.
Jackie Cangro
September 1, 2012
Then once the kids start playing foosball, it’s going to make the other game tables feel bad. What about the ping pong table and the pool table and the air hockey table?
I’m afraid all will need to get equal playing time. Otherwise the foosball table will start thinking it’s better than the other tables and start bullying them.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
It can sometimes be so dizzying to balance out all the conflicting messages we’re sending children, we forget to think about the messages we’re sending inanimate objects.
Audrey
September 1, 2012
Sportsmanship and skill issues aside, I hope The Fonz and Optimist Prime are enjoying their new foosball table. 😉
likeablegirl
September 1, 2012
I think you are confused. This is not a foosball table. It is the GLBT Rockette’s Central Park play set. Completely androgenous and color coordinated with fabulous synchronicity and the occasional sewer dwelling audience member popping up to nod along only to have a rather large snowball violently flung in his/her (androgenous too!) direction. How better can you teach your kids about sexual diversity, unisex haircuts, and unfortunately visible socks in New York, New York style?
Nick Mitchell
September 1, 2012
How about the way the “men” dress? Doesn’t it concern you that they wear tight v-neck shirts with extremely tight (almost painted on) shorts? Is this the way you want your children to dress? I don’t think so. Bad Mr. Foosball
bearmancartoons
September 1, 2012
I’m looking at that guys face and he seems to be smiling…that or grimacing in pain from the screw in his chest.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
You’re right; maybe he was smiling before the screw was inserted.
Thomas Stazyk
September 1, 2012
Dear Mr. Greatsby:
Thank you for your recent correspondence regarding your purchase of a Foosball table. When it comes to customer concerns, we have a fairly straightforward policy, which you must not be aware of. Basically it’s this. If you look closely at the last picture in your correspondence, it shows a player with a silver object embedded in his chest. That is the embodiment of our approach to customer service. So kindly do not expect any further communication from this office.
With effusive regards,
Mr. Foosball.
HoaiPhai
September 4, 2012
Damn! I got a message from Mr. Foosball to GG but it’s now pointless to post it here.
Elyse
September 1, 2012
Wait, Greatsby. Did this table come with an endless supply of trophies for everyone who plays regardless of whether they actually make the players make contact with the foosball? If not, you are setting your sons (and yourself) up to feel inadequate for years to come when they/you visit the families of foosball afficianatos everywhere.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
The table didn’t come with trophies but I give the kids a trophy each day at breakfast so I feel they’re doing okay in the trophy department.
Elyse
September 3, 2012
You are the perfect father.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
That’s what my children tell me every morning…or else!
Love & Lunchmeat
September 1, 2012
Dammit, I still can’t spell Nietzsche. In a few years, could you explain him to me?
P.S. Aren’t you moving today?
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
Yes I was moving which is why it took my so long to respond to comments. I had to look back at your blog to remember I had left that comment mentioning I was moving.
Love & Lunchmeat
September 3, 2012
No worries. No one expects you to answer every comment. Good luck though!
lazylauramaisey
September 2, 2012
Did you get a reply as to why they’ve sent a table which favours your children and makes it easier for them to beat you? That’s just rude.
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
My kids need to know their dad has no faults. Once they believe they’re better at foosball, the rest of the illusion will begin to crumble.
lazylauramaisey
September 5, 2012
Yeh, it’s a slippery slope.
Michelle Gillies
September 2, 2012
I think I will be having nightmares tonight about the Stepford foosball players getting loose and coming after me with their armless stocky torsos, short shorts, stubby knees and knee socks that don’t fall down, never with a hair out of place. Oh, the terror!
The Hook
September 3, 2012
Sorry I haven’t been around much lately, but my book, The Bellman Chronicles, will be FREE to download on Sept. 10 – 11! Check it out on my Amazon Kindle page.. You won’t be disappointed. And if you can slip me a review, I’d be forever grateful…
The Good Greatsby
September 3, 2012
Congratulations! I’ll definitely take a look.
diannegray
September 3, 2012
Hahahaha – this is great. Reading through the comments had me in stitches as well! 😀
benzeknees
September 4, 2012
What a way to point out how ridiculous our efforts to be politically correct & non-challenging to our kids at the same time! 🙂
rrendon86
September 8, 2012
That’s hilarious! Now I will forever scrutinize every foosball table in come in contact with, why are all the players only white? Hmm…