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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Breaking News Fixed«
Hats Off to the Queen’s Hat
1. QUEEN: “You can undress me with your eyes all you want, but the hat stays on.” 2. QUEEN: “I saw Elton John wearing it, and I just ‘hat’ to have it. Get it? ‘Hat’ to have it? Bit of English hat humour for you.” 3. OBAMA: “You’re required to carry your constitutional powers on […]
Food Pyramid We Hardly Knew Ye
June 3, 2011
Yesterday the United States Department of Agriculture announced it was abandoning the food pyramid icon and moving to a new icon called “My Plate”. The USDA gave the following reasons for the change: 1. Many people found the food pyramid confusing, especially on the matter of whether food should be served from a pyramid instead […]
Palin and Trump 2012
June 1, 2011
Sarah Palin and Donald Trump met yesterday in New York. They held a brief pretend meeting at Trump’s office, spoke to a huge throng of press corp about pretend issues, then went for pizza. They towed the families along for the pizza outing because of course Trump was probably already planning to head to his […]
Godmother Gaga
May 17, 2011
Did you hear Elton John and husband David Furnish recently adopted a son, Zachary? And did you hear they named Lady Gaga as the baby’s godmother? And did you hear twenty years from now Zachary is in jail? I don’t want to put words in anybody’s mouth, but I believe I can safely say, “Great […]
Princess Beatrice’s Fascinator
May 4, 2011
For those of you who said you had zero interest in the Royal Wedding, this is what you missed: Those who missed the wedding coverage in favor of your local bar’s giant hat drinking game will be sorely disappointed by the irony. Millions spent on the wedding of the decade, the whole world watching, and […]
Breaking News Fixed: Russian President Medvedev Debuts Sultry-Look-Diplomacy
March 28, 2011
Once again I bring you the news headlines I would have preferred to see attached to the following pictures: 1. Russian President Medvedev Demands UN Halt Libya Military Action; Recommends Shift in Strategy to Sultry-Look-Diplomacy 2. Political Retirement Rumors Gain Steam as Medvedev Submits Headshot to Russian Version of The Mentalist 3. Controversy Erupts as […]
Rubik’s Cube Solving Robot? Now Robots Will be Stealing Our Rubik’s Cube Solving Jobs, Too!
March 22, 2011
There’s so much going on in the world, but my wife is still sick of my contrarian take on the news and won’t discuss current events with me. I’m forced once again to post my comments online: 1. A student creates a robot that can solve a Rubik’s Cube in fifteen seconds: Aww, man, now […]
Breaking News Fixed
March 21, 2011
I saw this picture of Hillary Clinton but didn’t immediately see any headline attached. What is she doing? Who or what is she looking at? Is she about to speak or has she just spoken? Is she possibly thinking about me and those love letters I wrote her? I decided not to look for the […]
We can’t sit here impotently and wait for the Supermoon to attack! We must strike first!
March 16, 2011
My wife Lorraine knows she can’t tell me about a news event and expect an honest reaction. My mind is trained to answer with an absurdly-contrarian viewpoint delivered with a straight-faced sincerity. As a result, my wife will no longer discuss the news with me. I’ve tried calling my friend Andrew: Me: Did you see […]
Zombie Ants? Aww, man, ants were the one insect my kid would eat!
March 14, 2011
My wife Deidre was telling me about a fungus that could invade the brains of ants and turn them into ‘Zombie Ants.’ I didn’t get all the details because I heard the words ZOMBIE ANTS and my mind began to wander: 1. Bad news for my Aunt Zombie, who’s already been fighting stereotypes her whole […]
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