Dear Mitt Romney,
I hear you might be looking for a vice president. Allow me to suggest the following potential candidates:
1. Steve Jobs’ ghost–I know some intolerant Americans may complain about a ghost occupying such a high office, especially because ghosts don’t pay taxes, but Jobs might be the one ghost everyone could get behind since he tops the list of recent Americans who actually seemed like they knew what they were doing.
2. Voldemort–he’s the only guy you could put on the ticket who would make you look like a nice, compassionate guy in comparison.
3. Me.
Consider me as your running mate. I might not seem a natural fit because I have no interest in politics whatsoever, but I’m willing to give my endorsement in exchange for your support of my key issues. Allow me to present my resume:
Strengths:
1. I’ve lived abroad most of my adult life and I’m pretty familiar with the metric system. This metric conversion ability could be a major asset in negotiations. Let’s say the German kaiser is visiting and you say, “Kaiser Wilhelm, If I give you an inch, you’ll take a mile,” I’d be the only person in the cabinet who could translate that into, “If I give you 2.54 centimeters, you’ll take 1.6 kilometers.”
2. I’d add instant likeability to the ticket because I’m very likeable. Just ask any of the people who like me. Yes, there may be a sizeable crowd that dislikes me, but their judgment is unfairly biased by my hitting on their girlfriends and my propensity to excuse myself right before the check arrives.
3. I know this is more of a literal strength, but I can bench press 293 pounds. I only mention
this ability because of those pictures of a shirtless Vladimir Putin which helped intimidate the Russian people into voting for him.
Weaknesses:
1. I’m a vegetarian so I’m likely to offend a lot of countries at state dinners when we try and divide up the check afterwards and I insist I shouldn’t have to pay for any of the meat dishes.
2. I don’t like the smell of copy machine chemicals. The smell makes me nauseous so don’t ask me to make copies!
3. If I’m asked, I do tend to speak my mind, so this might get us into trouble politically. The good news is that people quickly learn never to ask me anything, and even better, they most certainly never listen.
Here are the issues I would personally address:
1. I want a 16-team college football playoff.
2. I want to sing a duet with Zooey Deschanel.
3. I want the FBI to investigate why I’ve never been invited to my high school reunion.
4. I want the media to cover my attendance at my 15-year high school reunion, but I’ll actually arrive at the wrong high school, act confused for an hour, and then when nobody can find me in the yearbook, they’ll give me directions to my real high school.
5. I want the Oscars to be shorter.
What I will not do:
1. I will hold babies for photo-ops, but I will never under any circumstances babysit. You have five sons and I’m assuming you have a lot of grandkids. If I’m meeting with the president of one of those poor countries that you dodn’t have time to meet with, and you come in and ask if your grandson can play in my office while I negotiate an arms treaty, the answer is no!
The Good Greatsby 
susielindau
May 9, 2012
I think you would be a perfect fit!
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
May 9, 2012
I would whole-heartedly support your candidacy for VP, but I have concerns about your connections with the powerful smoking-jacket lobby here in DC. What’s your stance on exotic brocade silk fabrics and velour lapels?
dadssister
May 9, 2012
Steve Jobs ghost is a great suggestion. Actually the only thing I have seen the VP do is …… nothing. He has nice hair. So there’s a good candidate. You? I will need to think about it. Nothing bad. Just thnk about it.!
A Gripping Life
May 10, 2012
Mitt Romney would be a fool not to recognize you as a real asset to his cabinet.
omawarisan
May 10, 2012
I think Mitt is a mimeograph kind of guy, so your copier weakness is a strength.
Laura
May 10, 2012
I don’t think the fact that ghosts doesn’t pay taxes would be a problem for Mitt. Most of his supporters don’t think Steve Jobs should have paid much in taxes anyway, and just think of how much money we’d save by not having to fly him around in Air Force Two. And since he’s already dead, we wouldn’t have to worry about the kind of scenario in which a bomb hits Washington DC and we wind up with the Secretary of Agriculture as acting President, but it takes a while to figure that out because no one can remember more than the first three offices in the line of succession and Wikipedia is down that day.
“Steve Jobs: a heartbeat away from the presidency. On the other side.”
Soma Mukherjee
May 10, 2012
Anyone who knows metric system and does not like the smell of copy machine chemical should be auto selected as a potential candidate…but wait you are so much more!!!!
OMG I know the future VP!
MJ, Nonstepmom
May 10, 2012
Perhaps the use of the metric system would help Mitt -maybe its just that he’s using the wrong scales……
Elyse
May 10, 2012
Go for it Mitt, Greatsby’s way more attractive than Chris Christie!
She's a Maineiac
May 10, 2012
I think you’d make a fine VP! Your blog finally showed up in my reader today and I was treated to a giant picture of a half-naked Putin.
I think your dream of singing with Zooey might come true. I just saw a rerun of New Girl, where she sleeps with Justin Long. His character’s name was Paul. I think she reads your blog.
gojulesgo
May 10, 2012
Darla, I think GG’s been missing from my reader too! I don’t recognize the last post title. And now that I don’t see any comments from him here, I’m worried he was kidnapped by another compaigner who got a gander at this resume.
She's a Maineiac
May 10, 2012
Very weird, Jules. I think you’re onto something. He’s not around much anymore is he? Maybe he’s been kidnapped for awhile now and he’s been replaced by a GG imposter…hmm…this is getting curiouser and curiouser…
pegoleg
May 10, 2012
Hey, he’s been missing from MY reader, too!
Whatcha doin? Just hangin’ out? Come to vote on the CAPTION CONTEST? Where there are some Damn Fine Finalists this week. Like Laura’s, and a couple of others that aren’t too bad…
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2012
My posts don’t seem to be showing up in the reader, they don’t arrive for those who have signed up to receive by email, and I’m almost always blocked from leaving comments on other blogs. Something about originating from China makes everything more likely to be flagged as spam. I spend two out of every three blog hours working on technical issues that only stay fixed for a week. If it’s any consolation, none of your posts show up in my reader either. I nominate pegoleg to fix all these problems.
She's a Maineiac
May 10, 2012
Wouldn’t it be easier if you just moved out of China?
thesinglecell
May 10, 2012
Jon Huntsman couldn’t sell the China thing so it was probably wise not to mention exactly where you live. Not being the slightest bit interested in politics might be a help, actually. And frankly, Vlad Putin is not as impressive shirtless as I might have thought. Needs to work on the armskis.
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2012
It’s kind of hilariously sad that Huntsman’s good relationship with the country topping the list of America’s foreign policy concerns was seen as a bad thing.
thesinglecell
May 12, 2012
I could not have been more annoyed that nobody got the importance of that relationship – or that he so colossally failed to sell it.
RunningFarce
May 10, 2012
Haha – really funny post today!
Dana
May 10, 2012
Wait, no mention of your poor whispering skills here? I think that Mitt should be able to make an informed choice before he selects you as VP. Mitt, if you’re reading this: Paul is a terrible whisperer.
(Somebody had to say it. You’ll thank me later, Greatsby.)
List of X
May 10, 2012
Nice try, but I think not many people will be excited by Romney/Greatsby ticket. That is, of course, completely Willard Mitt’s fault and not yours. So can we make it a Greatsby/Romney ticket instead? I am sure that Republicans will be so happy they don’t have to vote for Romney that you would be elected in a landslide.
So where is your birth certificate, Mr. Greatsby, and why does it have a different name? On the other hand, since you are not black, the birth certificate won’t be an issue.
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2012
The fact that people are so unenthusiastic about a Romney ticket is what makes me such an attractive addition to the ticket.
Audrey
May 10, 2012
I’d give you the job! Those bench press skills make you a contender right away!
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2012
It’s sad that bench-pressing ability isn’t a campaign issue anymore.
A.K.Andrew @artyyah
May 10, 2012
Great post- loved the Steve Jobs bit. Dead people have had political votes before. I say go for it. Looks like you’ve got at least 15 votes so far.
thelifeofjamie
May 10, 2012
while you are a worthy contender…if you run with Mitt, I can’t vote for you, no matter how good you look in a smoking jacket!
pegoleg
May 10, 2012
I don’t think the Russian people were intimidated as much as turned-on. Hubba hubba Vlad-a!
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2012
The message was clear–vote him out of office and the shirt goes back on.
cooper
May 10, 2012
nope…that’s still not enough to make me vote for him….
btw…I have presented you an award..the Sunshine Award come see today’s post…
georgettesullins
May 10, 2012
You sure have a thing for Zooey Deschanel. And about that high school reunion thing? Who does those lists? I was among the “lost” when all they had to do was google my name.
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2012
I wouldn’t have attended because I’m out of the country but I’m curious whether I wasn’t invited on purpose.
Howlin' Mad Heather
May 10, 2012
Wouldn’t vote for Romney if the only alternative were a dead aardvark, but you make a strong case for your VP candidacy.
Lenore Diane
May 10, 2012
The title said Mitt but the photo was definitely not Mitt. I feared clicking, because the shirtless man scared me. I want to be on your side, GG. I mean, if you want to be VP, then I want you to be VP. But – you’d turn into a politician and live on the Dark Side. Please. I think you should focus more on hooking up with Zooey for a duet.
Thank goodness I have a nightlight – that Putin picture is frightening. Seriously scarey.
Emily Cannell
May 10, 2012
Wow- the power of the media. Had the newspapers and magazines shown Vlad`s full shot, it would have revealed just how high his pants were pulled up -conveying a much nerdier side. I`m betting on at least on inch of sock showing on the bottom too. With the media on your side Paul- you`ll be a shoe in.
CMSmith
May 10, 2012
Don’t do it. I might have to vote for you/him and that would require me switching sides for which I would no longer feel like an outcast in my conservative community and would immediately be embraced by all my neighbors and acquaintances. I don’t think I could handle the foot traffic to my front door.
bluebee
May 10, 2012
That Vlad is such a shameless poseur
spilledinkguy
May 10, 2012
Ghost V.P.?
Isn’t there an app for that?
mistyslaws
May 10, 2012
I don’t know Greatsby, I think you might be shooting a little low. At this rate, maybe you should throw your hat in as a presidential candidate. There really aren’t a whole lot better options. Although, I would need photographic evidence of you bench pressing whilst shirtless before I guaranteed you my vote.
Rob Rubin
May 11, 2012
Considering that there is already a comedian in the VP slot, I can’t see how you couldn’t win.
HoaiPhai
May 13, 2012
I have a funny feeling that your living in China for eight years would mean that if you ever tried to run for VP, you’d have an interview with the boys from Langley that would make a six-hour TSA pat-down look like a quick, cold handshake.
I’d like to see you as VP… it certainly would be a change of pace seeing you working the crowds by hitting on guys’ girlfriends instead of that boring baby kissing business. I don’t think that you’d have to worry much about the photocopy chemical smell… isn’t that The Secretary of State that’s supposed to make all the coffee and do all the photocopying in The White House?