Hey, Mitt, Make Me Your VP

Posted on May 9, 2012

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Dear Mitt Romney,

I hear you might be looking for a vice president. Allow me to suggest the following potential candidates:

1. Steve Jobs’ ghost–I know some intolerant Americans may complain about a ghost occupying such a high office, especially because ghosts don’t pay taxes, but Jobs might be the one ghost everyone could get behind since he tops the list of recent Americans who actually seemed like they knew what they were doing.

2. Voldemort–he’s the only guy you could put on the ticket who would make you look like a nice, compassionate guy in comparison.

3. Me.

Consider me as your running mate. I might not seem a natural fit because I have no interest in politics whatsoever, but I’m willing to give my endorsement in exchange for your support of my key issues. Allow me to present my resume:

Strengths:

1. I’ve lived abroad most of my adult life and I’m pretty familiar with the metric system. This metric conversion ability could be a major asset in negotiations. Let’s say the German kaiser is visiting and you say, “Kaiser Wilhelm, If I give you an inch, you’ll take a mile,” I’d be the only person in the cabinet who could translate that into, “If I give you 2.54 centimeters, you’ll take 0.6 kilometers.”

2. I’d add instant likeability to the ticket because I’m very likeable. Just ask any of the people who like me. Yes, there may be a sizeable crowd that dislikes me, but their judgment is unfairly biased by my hitting on their girlfriends and my propensity to excuse myself right before the check arrives.

3. I know this is more of a literal strength, but I can bench press 293 pounds. I only mention this ability because of those pictures of a shirtless Vladimir Putin which helped intimidate the Russian people into voting for him.

Weaknesses:

1. I’m a vegetarian so I’m likely to offend a lot of countries at state dinners when we try and divide up the check afterwards and I insist I shouldn’t have to pay for any of the meat dishes.

2. I don’t like the smell of copy machine chemicals. The smell makes me nauseous so don’t ask me to make copies!

3. If I’m asked, I do tend to speak my mind, so this might get us into trouble politically. The good news is that people quickly learn never to ask me anything, and even better, they most certainly never listen.

Here are the issues I would personally address:

1. I want a 16-team college football playoff.

2. I want to sing a duet with Zooey Deschanel.

3. I want the FBI to investigate why I’ve never been invited to my high school reunion.

4. I want the media to cover my attendance at my 15-year high school reunion, but I’ll actually arrive at the wrong high school, act confused for an hour, and then when nobody can find me in the yearbook, they’ll give me directions to my real high school.

5. I want the Oscars to be shorter.

What I will not do:

1. I will hold babies for photo-ops, but I will never under any circumstances babysit. You have five sons and I’m assuming you have a lot of grandkids. If I’m meeting with the president of one of those poor countries that you dodn’t have time to meet with, and you come in and ask if your grandson can play in my office while I negotiate an arms treaty, the answer is no!