America No Longer Fattest Nation! Cupholder Layoffs Expected

Posted on July 10, 2013


At a recent healthy lunch event for children hosted by Michelle Obama at the White House, one of the kids asked President Obama his favorite food and the president answered, “Broccoli.”

If any of the children had asked his favorite hobbies, I wonder if he would have answered, “Homework and going to bed early.”

But before you criticize Obama for lying to children, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume broccoli is the only food the president has ever eaten. And if he has eaten any of the thousands of foods that are much, much better than broccoli and was in fact lying to children, in his defense, let’s all remember that lying to children is fun. And easy.

And the Obamas have been lying to our children for years, telling them that exercise is fun, or that eating three meals a day can be just as satisfying as the seven we currently eat.

But maybe all that lying to children to trick them into making healthier choices is beginning to pay off: According to a new United Nations report, Mexico has overtaken America as the world’s most obese developed country. We’re number 2! We’re number 2!

Apparently the percentage of obese Americans has decreased slightly at the same time Mexican waistlines have expanded, possibly in an effort to influence immigration legislation by adopting an American custom much easier than learning English. Some credit national weight loss to Michelle Obama’s healthy youth initiatives. Some credit the government transformation of the food pyramid icon into the circular MyPlate design. And even fewer credit my coverage of the food pyramid makeover in the post: Food Pyramid We Hardly Knew Ye

But not everyone is celebrating America’s weight loss, especially people like me who’ve enjoyed writing headlines every year when the obesity statistics are released:

Waist Lines Expand, Belts Buckle Under Obesity Pressure

Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me–Americans are Bigger than Ever

Americans Discouraged by Obesity Figures, Drown Sorrows in Ranch Dressing

Unflattering Obesity Figures Indicative of Unflattering Figures

Americans Greet Obesity Statistics with Literal Heavy Hearts

No matter where you stand on the Obamas’ love of broccoli and their efforts to whip America into shape, I’m certain kids all over America can agree on one thing: growing up to be president sounds less cool than ever.

Posted in: Columns