Optimist Prime has always been a bit wise for a ten-year-old, and his seeming wisdom has only increased now that he’s chosen to permanently speak in a British accent. He’s been trying it out here and there with an occasional “That’s bloody brilliant” or “And I said rubbish! Complete and utter rubbish!” but this last week I encouraged him to adopt the accent full-time. He’s on his fourth straight day of all British, all the time.
There’s something very wise about any advice given in an English accent and it’s made me take his counsel much more seriously, although I know you shouldn’t place too much weight on any advice given by someone who spends all his free time reading while sitting in the dry bathtub, but rarely bathing.
Whenever we take walks or play catch I ask him questions like I want his advice and I always thank him afterwards for listening so he thinks I value his opinion. On Wednesday I thanked him after a walk to the store and he replied, “I’ll always be there for you, even in your darkest hour…so I can it write all down and then gossip to other people about it later.”
It almost makes me want to become famous, just so he has the opportunity to write a tell-all book about me later. If somebody had to sell me out and expose my darkest secrets in a book, he would probably do the best job.
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Check out my new post on Huffington.
Scenes from 2013: President Romney Fails in His Attempts to Relate to Our Alien Conquerors
Disclaimer: For those of you counting the number of times I’ve satirized Republicans, you should know I’ve tried hard to balance it out with satirizing Democrats but this neverending Republican primary is providing too much material. And if you are keeping score, I think any of my satirizing of celebrities should also count as a satire of Democrats and should balance the scales.
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You might also enjoy clicking on over to Educlaytion.com to enter his March Madness part 2, and submit your favorite movie hero for battle.
March Movie Madness, Part Deux
Last year’s contest is where I first came across Clay’s site, and even though we have a tense rivalry over our mutual love of Kate Beckinsale, we’ve agreed to be civil until she makes a decision.
Congratulations to Clay who just announced the impending publication of his first book UNDEAD: Revived, Resuscitated & Reborn
The Good Greatsby 
Carl D'Agostino
March 9, 2012
He’ll have more credibility as a sage and prophet if he learns Old Testament Hebrew.
The Good Greatsby
March 9, 2012
I’m not sure that’s a trade he’s willing to make.
the master
March 9, 2012
As a Brit, I fully encourage anything that propagates the myth that we are intelligent. Though I do worry about what will happen when he discovers our swear words. They may not be big or clever, but there’s something so satisfying about words like “wanker” and “bollocks”. Especially “bollocks”.
And you don’t need to wait to become famous for him to write a tell-all book. You’re already somewhat well known on the internet, which is almost as good. Just set him up a blog and we can all have a good laugh at your expense.
joehoover
March 9, 2012
Here Here! can we get a tosser in there too?
the master
March 9, 2012
I dunno, I think Jonathon Ross is probably busy.
The Good Greatsby
March 9, 2012
He has discovered ‘bollocks’ but I’m not sure he understands its significance.
Patti Kuche
March 9, 2012
The sacrifices one makes as a parent!
1pointperspective
March 9, 2012
Make sure he doesn’t fall in with the wrong crowd and end up going all Cockney on you, guv’nah
The Good Greatsby
March 10, 2012
That is summit I would never approve of.
georgettesullins
March 9, 2012
My crazy son-in-law had a class of his thinking he was from Australia for an entire semester at Texas A&M…when I heard that I knew life for our daughter would be very interesting.
becomingcliche
March 9, 2012
It’s all about the accent. When people hear a British accent, they assume wisdom and refinement. When they hear my southern accent, they assume that I am a moron. Which may or may not be the case.
Spectra
March 10, 2012
– but a moron with impeccable manners.
Michael
March 9, 2012
Is he going with straight-up British like Scar from the Lion King, James Bond, all that, or will he branch out into Cockney or Australian or that Irish thing Sean Bean has going. A Sean Bean accent would be quite impressive.
educlaytion
March 9, 2012
“It almost makes me want to become famous, just so he has the opportunity to write a tell-all book about me later.”
This line of yours is almost your best of the week. But I have to give that honor to your remark upon congratulating me over at eduClaytion when you said, and I quote: “I hope you won’t forget the little people. I hope you won’t forget me either.” THAT folks, is a winner.
Love the HuffPo satire Paul. You should do more writing in a British accent.
susielindau
March 9, 2012
This is great. I am sure that Optimist already has a rough draft tucked between the mattresses.
Congrats on the Huffington Post gig. It seems they have found a desk and chair for you over there.
My character is all signed up over at Clay’s and is ready to take yours on! Actually I have no idea how this game is played, but I am ready!
Leanne Shirtliffe
March 9, 2012
HuffPo Man. Love it, Mr. Satire. Look out, Mark Twain. (Ever since Whitney’s death, I can’t remember who else is dead. Or partly dead. Isn’t Twain inside a dog? Or is that Groucho?)
Signed,
Confused in Canada
pegoleg
March 9, 2012
Notice he’s not encouraging the kid to adopt a Canadian accent, Leanne. I’d consider being offended if I were you.
Leanne Shirtliffe
March 10, 2012
Sigh. No one wants a Canadian accent. They just want our economy and our hockey players and our comedians. That is all.
Dana
March 10, 2012
Don’t forget our oil and gas industries, Leanne! (Also our timber and possibly our fresh water resources, too.) But not our accents or our extraneous letter “u”s. THAT is all that anybody wants from Canadians. 😉
pegoleg
March 10, 2012
You guys have all kinds of great stuff up there, eh? Eh?
Margie
March 11, 2012
Canadians don’t have accents – everyone else does!
pegoleg
March 11, 2012
That’s what those of us in the midwest always say. Notice that newscasters in all major cities sound like us.
Elyse
March 11, 2012
Actually, Peg, they all sound like me. From Connecticut. Sorry, eh?
artjen1971
March 9, 2012
We often speak in a British accent around our house in an effort to increase our IQ–however, given our adolescent senses-of-humor and gumpish IQ’s we usually spiral into the cockney accent of a Dicken’s character down by the wharves.
The Good Greatsby
March 10, 2012
‘re ya tellin’ me a cockney accent aint considered intelligent?
artjen1971
March 10, 2012
what wiv not being able to say ve “th” sound, why no…no it aint…
mistyslaws
March 10, 2012
When I last visited London, I went out to dinner with some English folk. As the evening progressed and more and more libations were consumed, I found myself unintentionally adopting a lot of their phrases. Everything henceforth was “lovely” and “quite right” and of course there were the “wankers” and “bollocks” and “buggers.” I returned to my plebian ways of speaking soon after, once I sobered up and returned to my native land. Alas, I feel like my IQ dropped a few points on that transatlantic flight.
yellowcat
March 10, 2012
Anything but a New Jersey accent. I don’t know if those people are smart or not because I stop listening after a few horrible words.
mahervolous
March 10, 2012
My mother-in-law is from Colchester. Anything she says is made infinitely classier than her Canadian counterparts. “Pass the salt” becomes a lesson in culture when she’s around.
edrevets
March 10, 2012
It’s always difficult for me to keep from imitating British people when I’m around them, including my boss. Apparently my go-to snob voice is british. Sometimes this is a problem.
The Good Greatsby
March 10, 2012
My go-to British accent is a London constable.
torcon1
March 10, 2012
With all due respect to the empire across the pond, the stodgy Oxford British accent has fallen out of favor a wee bit – or at least so says CNNgo.com.
http://www.cnngo.com/explorations/life/worlds-sexiest-accents-130333
Apparently the accent du jour is Italian – because the news is always true.
However, fickle tastes change and you might want to spur the young Master Greatsby toward a more hip, cutting-edge accent that’s on the climb.
My sources tell me that the next big accent will be Rajasthani, yet those same sources tell me I’m experiencing a gas bubble of sorts. Regardless, you heard it hear first (in my nasally flat-A upstate NY accent)….
The Good Greatsby
March 10, 2012
The article suggested a few accents I didn’t know were supposed to be sexy. I’ll have to make more of an effort to listen to those people.
I would definitely pick French over Italian.
flippingchannels
March 10, 2012
I once did a British accent for 24 straight hours. (At someone else’s request.) I played off any slips as my “American Impression”.
gojulesgo
March 10, 2012
I would jump off a bridge, or eat Vegemite, if someone told me to in a British accent.
Congrats on more Huffington Post action – gonna go check it out now!
I just read about Clay’s book on his new site this morning. Sooo jealous. I mean, happy for him…
monicastangledweb
March 10, 2012
Isn’t it comforting to know, that when you need it, your son will be there to betray you in his memoirs? I’m so enjoying these primaries myself; just when you think it can’t get any crazier, it does! Glad it’s giving you a lot of fodder for your HuffPo column. On my way there now.
Elyse
March 11, 2012
A tell-all book by your son may just need to be reciprocated. After he becomes rich and famous for exposing his rich and famous father.
But can you get famous-er than a humor writer for the HuffPost? I think not.
Margie
March 11, 2012
We lived in Texas for a year and eldest child had a y’all drawl within the first week of arriving there. It wasn’t an accent that made her sound really intelligent, unfortunately.
Chad
March 11, 2012
I lived in New Zealand for a few years and when I came home it was a very arduous to transition from saying “rubbish” to saying “garbage.” Not to mention “boot” to “trunk”, “bonnet” to “hood”, “petrol” to “gasoline”, and “American Football” to “Football”. All were difficult for me. I would suggest that Optimist incorporate all of these into his vocabulary to fully embrace the ways of British intelligence and refinement.
Erynn Elizabeth
March 17, 2012
I actually think reading in all your spare time, regardless of the locale, likely makes you even MORE the wiser.
And the bathtub being dry? That means he doesn’t have to get out on account of prune fingers.
He is effing Wiiiiiiise.