Dear Moon: My Patience Wanes Thin

Posted on March 8, 2012


Dear Moon,

This is the last straw. I’ve long looked upon you with suspicion, Moon. My wife could never understand why I considered you an enemy, no matter how many times I told her, “The moon may seem bright and shiny, but there’s also a dark side of the moon.”

I recently read an article suggesting a supermoon may have contributed to the Titanic’s sinking by sending an unusual amount of icebergs into the Titanic’s path. If this is true, I can hold my tongue no longer and will add the sinking of the Titanic to my long list of grievances:

 I’m sick and tired of you pushing the ocean around. Maybe it makes you feel like a big deal to control the ocean’s movements, but in the end, isn’t it just the sandcastles that get hurt?

You sold out by allowing New Moon and Eclipse to be used as titles in the Twilight series.

You emboldened the baring of buttocks, even though you knew the type of people who would expose their buttocks were rarely the buttocks anyone would want to see.

Nobody likes a fence sitter and I’m sick and tired of your continual waxing and waning. Grow a spine and pick a look already.

Tell us more about this dark side of the moon. What are you hiding over there? Seems suspcicious.

You collaborated with Paul McCartney on quite possibly the worst song in history, Wonderful Christmas Time:

The moon is right
The spirit’s up
We’re here tonight
And that’s enough

How do you expect anyone to write a song about anything important when you rhyme with so much and toxoplasmosis rhymes with so little?

You callously provided the lighting for two of the beatings the Cobra Kai gave Daniel in The Karate Kid. Without your lighting it’s unlikely the beatings would have happened–doesn’t this make you an accomplice to bullying?

I still blame you for the demise of the TV show Moonlighting by allowing Maddie and David to consummate their relationship and ruin all the show’s sexual tension.

Does your involvement in the creation of moonshine contribute to alcoholism?

When are you going to set the record straight about the moon being made of cheese? Similar to the story of Santa Claus, I worry kids will learn the truth and grow up to not believe in cheese. Cheese is too delicious to allow any uncertainty regarding its existence.

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