Trump Endorses Romney, May Sway Multimillionaire Blowhard Voting Bloc

Donald Trump’s endorsement of Mitt Romney for President really shouldn’t be much of a surprise considering the startling similarities between the two men.

Excerpts from Trump’s endorsement:

“I actually offered my endorsement to all the candidates but Romney was the only one who would agree to accept the endorsement while standing behind a lectern with my name on it instead of his.”

“Romney’s business experience of buying and liquidating companies proves he’s the only candidate who loves firing people just as much as I do.”

“If you compare Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, Mitt is the man who has shown he cares about great hair just as much I do. I see the perfectly coiffed head of hair on our next president and it’s like looking in a mirror.”

“What really put Romney over the top in my eyes was that he would even take my endorsement seriously. I still can’t believe a serious contender for the most powerful office in the world agreed to join me on stage to kiss the ring of a reality TV star shamelessly pretending to be a kingmaker to generate buzz for the new season of the really, really terrific Apprentice, Sundays on NBC.”

“I love that Mitt shared my experience of attending an elite prep school as this makes him uniquely qualified to fix our public school’s appalling lack of rowing, polo, and medieval jousting.”

I would have endorsed you earlier but I didn't recognize you without your jousting helmet.

“Yes, all the candidates are millionaires–as any candidate for public office should be since donors don’t believe a man can be president if he isn’t well-connected enough to even accidentally stumble upon a million or two–but only Mitt can rival my level of wealth in the hundreds of millions department. He’s the only candidate who will tackle the lack of words to define the territory between millionaire and billionaire.

• ‘Millionaire’ is anyone with 1 million.
• ‘Multimillionaires’ is anyone with a minimum of 2 million. That’s chump change. Don’t lump me into the same category of wealth as a guy with 2 million. That’s what I spend on red power ties and hair care products in just one season of Apprentice, Sunday nights on NBC.
• But we’re not ‘billionaires’ either. We need a word like ‘hundred-millionaire’ or ‘almost-billionaire’ or ‘squinting-billionaire.'”

“When I looked at the background of each candidate, Mitt was the only one who shared my experience of having a multimillionaire, ferociously well-connected father who got me into the best schools, provided a safety net if I failed, provided me business opportunities either directly or indirectly through his contacts, and allowed me to trade on his name to raise money from investors with the unspoken implication that my father would step in if the business failed. We share the same sense of humor that enjoys promoting ourselves as self-made men while satirically giving advice to poor people about how hard work and ingenuity can get you anywhere in life when we both know 90% of all jobs are filled through networking. Nobody gets that we’re joking, but I guess it’s kind of an inside joke between squinting-billionaires.”