My seven-year-old, The Fonz, showed me a story he’s writing and the first sentence made me laugh: Once upon a time 3 kids were best friends named Jay, Henry and most of all Jack.
Here was an opening line that sucked me right in and I had to keep reading to find out why Jack was named Jack much more than Jay was named Jay or Henry was named Henry. Unfortunately, this philosophical concept was never explained in the remainder of the epic one hundred word tale. I asked him to explain the hidden meaning but he insisted he had no idea why I found it interesting. Like any good author, he’s probably being evasive on purpose because he realizes the symbolism is always much more powerful if the reader discovers the meaning on his own without the author’s explanation.
…..
My ten-year-old son, Optimist Prime, reached a milestone today when he left the house and actually checked what he looked like first.
This is a kid who’s lived his life under a personal dress code ruled by proximity: whatever item of clothing he saw first when he opened his eyes was what he put on in the morning. And wouldn’t you know the first item of clothing he saw each morning was usually the shirt he was already wearing. He’s spent his entire life mismatching buttons and wearing the same sports jerseys for weeks at a time while his favorite teams were on winning streaks or in the playoffs and he felt it was bad luck to remove his jersey during a hot streak.
Skateboarding is an activity that can be done with either clean or dirty clothes. Flirting doesn't offer the same flexibility.
Nothing we said could get him to pay attention to how he looked, but this morning he combed his hair, brushed his teeth, blew into his hand to smell his breath, put on a nice plaid shirt, and asked, “Dad, how do I look?”
All it took was a girl he liked inviting him to attend her school’s carnival.
This is why I take it easy as a parent. It doesn’t matter how hard we try or how much we worry over years and years and years, we have very little impact on our kids that can’t be overcome immediately by an attractive face. My plan is to wait until they’re teenagers and then pay pretty girls to tell them the right things to do.
…..
This week I received the search term:
how to reply when someone says why not
I get a lot of search terms concerning what to do if you confess love and the other person responds with a shrug, but this particular phrasing was of interest because when I proposed to my wife, she honestly replied with a shrug of her shoulders and a very casual, “Why not?”
Not sure how the searcher knew about this exchange, but I swear this was an inside joke between the two of us and did not represent a lack of enthusiasm on my wife’s part about our relationship…that came much later.
…..
Make sure and vote in the caption contest. This could be your best chance to make a difference, especially if you’re a very lazy person and have a low estimation of making a difference.
…..
I also received the search term:
you don’t owe me any apologies
Good, because you weren’t going to get one. I don’t know who entered this search term, and because I don’t know, I can assume it could be any of the many, many people I owe apologies, and the anonymity gives me permission to never apologize for the rest of my life.
The Good Greatsby 
k8edid
October 22, 2011
Maybe they read my post today for blogoholics “http://k8edid.wordpress.com/2011/10/22/12-step-er-i-mean-10-step-program-for-blogoholics/ and they are trying to make amends?
jacquelincangro
October 22, 2011
I wish I’d known The Fonz’s secret a long time ago — I’ve been working on my novel for years! Now I’m in the last round of edits and I’m getting nervous.
Does The Fonz have consultation hours?
gojulesgo
October 22, 2011
Love the pretty girl plan, and your wife’s response to your marriage proposal (mine was, “I suppose.”).
bearmancartoons
October 23, 2011
Love to know how that one worked out. haha
sidmilb
October 22, 2011
And today he is a man. ~Jack
gerknoop
October 22, 2011
I am supposing that the Fonz is probably a lot like you?
PS: Third time ….no e-mail notice.
Speeder
October 22, 2011
At least there was a slight amount of romace in your girl friends response to your marriage propossal. My wife simply asked “Do you have dental insurance?” I did and so we got married.
limr
October 22, 2011
I once passed through a town called Why Not in Mississippi. The only thing to do in that situation is to stop. Mississippi had issued me a challenge and I never back down from really easy challenges! I bought some firecrackers at its little country store. Just because.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
October 22, 2011
This post made me smile. “My plan is to wait until they’re teenagers and then pay pretty girls to tell them the right things to do.” What a great plan. I see no long-term problems with this. 🙂 I think I am still in Wonder Years mode from Netflix streaming it, because I picture your boys to look and act like Kevin Arnold. I work with girls often, so boys are a bit foreign to me.
Kathryn McCullough
October 22, 2011
My personal dress code is also ruled by proximity. Way to go Optimist Prime!
thelifeofjamie
October 22, 2011
You might be able to retire on that business of paying girls to tell boys things. Might want to patent or copyright that so no one steals it!
Sandi Ormsby
October 22, 2011
I’m so going to steal this:
“My plan is to wait until they’re teenagers and then pay pretty girls to tell them the right things to do.”
and tell my husband to start saving money now.
pattisj
October 22, 2011
Thanks for brightening the day. I never had the opportunity to raise sons. Very thankful.
She's a Maineiac
October 23, 2011
The Fonz is well on his way to becoming a famous author. I’m still wondering why Jack was more Jack. Make Jack a vampire and he’s well on his way.
And way to go OP! My son is (hopefully) right behind him. I loved this line,
“whatever item of clothing he saw first when he opened his eyes was what he put on in the morning.” because unfortunately, once OP has been married 12 years like my husband, he will be right back to square one in the “caring what he looks like” dept. (I’m lucky if both the boys in my house put on pants most days)
Laura
October 23, 2011
Maybe The Fonz is afraid that any discussion about the meaning of his opening sentence will turn into an uncomfortable conversation about your family life. I think you should do a little soul searching and ask yourself, honestly: did you name your children equally, or is one child named more than the other?
Renee Schuls-Jacobson
October 23, 2011
My Monkey is how shall we put this delicately …um, a late bloomer. He will likely have dreadlocks and be toothless if I wait for a chick to notice him. I’ll have to ride him until some kind of testosterone surge kicks in.
Invisible Mikey
October 23, 2011
I like it when your posts are sweet as well as funny, and most of all I especially do!
Angie Z.
October 23, 2011
I’m already a fan of The Fonz’ (Fonz’s?) work. I’ve known a couple Jacks who were “most of all Jack.” I knew one who was “not at all Jack.” And I knew a Cinnamon who was “very much so Cinnamon, thank you very much.” For The Fonz to get that at a young age is nothing short of brilliant.
Is he publishing soon?
John Erickson
October 23, 2011
If they come looking for you on something as impersonal as the Internet, then you can’t owe them THAT big of an apology. That’s my view, anyway.
And you are DEFINITELY onto something with paying girls to get the guys to behave right. A tad bit expensive, but such a time-saver!
Binky
October 23, 2011
“Why not?” is a lot better than “Are you kidding?”
Laura
October 23, 2011
Or “Oh! Were you talking to me?”
ajg
October 23, 2011
plaid?? that’s my boy!
Erin McNaughton
October 23, 2011
Attractive face for hire right here. I’ve make a pretty good living “influencing” boys and guiding them down the “right” paths. It’s quite amusing, the whole smiling and then demanding a cup of coffee and twenty pushups. The brain control last well into their twenties, maybe longer.
Hippie Cahier
October 24, 2011
Something tells me that the Fonz’s depth and complexity may render him immune to the pretty girl strategy. I mean, if at age seven he comprehends the significance of being “most of all Jack,” silly giggles and the aroma of “Love’s Baby Soft” are going to be powerless against him.
thoughtsappear
October 24, 2011
Awwww…Optimus Prime is growing up. Hippie’s right about Love’s Baby Soft. It’s every girl’s first perfume.
Dana
October 26, 2011
Ugh… Love’s Baby Soft. What a terrible memory! That and “Exclamation!”. “Poison” is more like it.
Good thing the Fonz is immune, but I’m not so sure about OP…
mistyslaws
October 27, 2011
Now, I was immediately intrigued by his story because I read that to mean that there was “most of all of Jack” and was wondering what happened to the rest of him. And how much was missing? If it was “most of all” of him, then what are we talking about here? 90%? 99%? See, I must know these things. He is a brilliant storyteller that son of yours!