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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »satire«
See you in hell, printer!
Yesterday I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams and threw my printer out the window. All my life I’ve wanted to toss a printer out the window as a lesson and a warning to other printers: I will no longer put up with your blinking lights, paper jams, misaligned printing, and constant requests for new […]
You just got Houdini’ed!
May 13, 2011
I woke up this Friday the 13th haunted by the image of Harry Houdini. Before you look at the picture below, I must warn you there is a very good chance you will be entranced by Houdini’s hypnotic eyes, and it’s possible you won’t be able to look away–ever! This drawing was created by SpilledInkGuy […]
Leaving on a Low Note
May 12, 2011
This past week I’ve been thinking a lot about endings in life, and the following three proverbs came to mind: All good things must come to an end. All’s well that ends well. Todd took a fourth piece of pizza even though some people haven’t had any pizza yet. I realize the third proverb may […]
The Blindest Blind Date
May 11, 2011
We’ve all made the mistake of setting up friends on a blind date. You know two single people, you think they would be perfect for each other because they have so much in common–for example, both of them are extremely lonely–and you suggest arranging a blind date to throw the two lonely hearts together. What’s […]
I Have Good News and Bad News
May 10, 2011
If someone says they have good news and bad news and asks which I want to hear first, I always reply, “Give me the good news first,” because there’s always a chance I might die before they get to the bad news. Sometimes you choose hearing the good news first, but the good news also […]
Checkmate, Kindle!
May 9, 2011
My wife and I read a lot. She’s a librarian (of the hot librarian variety). I collect books like an addict, although no books about addiction, and we’re proud of our personal library. We belong to book clubs, attend literary festivals, and can think of no better household decoration than giant stacks of books on […]
Look on the Bright Side, Mom
May 8, 2011
Dearest Mother, On this Mother’s Day, I’d like to make the following confessions while urging you to try and look on the bright side. Confession: Remember how the chandelier over the kitchen table had two broken lights for twenty years? I broke that the day after we moved in by sword fighting with ski poles […]
Mother’s Day Cards from Second-string Children
May 7, 2011
Not all moms are created equal. Most moms try their best, but when you happen to be “accidentally” reading your neighbor’s mail and come across the following Mother’s Day cards, you have good reason to wonder about her mothering abilities.
You’re Welcome, Mom
May 6, 2011
Parents are supposed to love all their children equally, but my siblings and I knew our parents had favorites. They always said they loved us the same, and they tried not to let their favoritism show, but still, we all knew…because we listened at the door on Mother’s Day as they criticized the cards we […]
If You Want to be Impressed, Always Call Before Dropping in on the Johnsons
May 5, 2011
“Oh, you’re in the neighborhood and wanted to drop in. That’s fine. We’ll see you in ten minutes.” “But I’m just around the corner. I can be there in three.” “But still, we’ll see you in ten minutes.” I shout out to my wife and two sons, “Ten minutes, team! We’ve got ten minutes to […]
Princess Beatrice’s Fascinator
May 4, 2011
For those of you who said you had zero interest in the Royal Wedding, this is what you missed: Those who missed the wedding coverage in favor of your local bar’s giant hat drinking game will be sorely disappointed by the irony. Millions spent on the wedding of the decade, the whole world watching, and […]
Tough Love Friendship to Distract Your Recently Dumped Girl Friend
May 3, 2011
Question for women: What do you do when your girlfriend just got dumped and she’s feeling terrible? How can you cheer her up and help her forget the breakup? You could suggest the cliche “let’s eat a gallon of ice cream and a tube of Tollhouse cookie dough”, but is gaining three pounds going to […]
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