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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »humor«
My Children Grow Sick of Sick!!! (sic) Discussion
This afternoon my wife and I sat on the front steps, watching my two sons and their friend perform skateboard tricks, and the kids asked me to judge who could jump highest on the skateboard. When I proclaimed a winner, the other kids gave him high fives, and I felt jealous of all the attention […]
My Wife’s Facebook Status: Single if George Clooney is Asking
June 23, 2011
Did you hear George Clooney is single again? And did you hear women everywhere changed their Facebook statuses to ‘Single if George Clooney is asking’? The actor and his girlfriend of two years, Italian model Elisabetta Canalis, recently split. No reasons were given for the break-up, although my inside source tells me George was disappointed […]
Announcing the Apple iPhone 5
June 22, 2011
Great news for you Apple iPhone fans–Apple has announced the new iPhone 5 will be released this August or September. Remember today as the day the sight of your iPhone 4 began to disgust you. Apple addicts everywhere were ecstatic in anticipation of the opportunity to spend almost a thousand dollars to buy the exact […]
Your Summer Swimsuit Strategy
June 21, 2011
Summer has arrived for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere. For you Southern Hemispherians, I hope you’re enjoying winter as well as a respite from the full effects of the ozone hole we sent your way. (Have you been to Australia? It’s like they have three suns down there. You can get sunburned while […]
Everybody Loves a Clown…Except for Everybody I Know
June 20, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the off-duty police officer dressed as a clown who shot a man trying to rob him at gunpoint. This must be a pretty rundown neighborhood when a clown catches your eye as the wealthiest potential mugging target. Think of all the rich clowns who are members of your country […]
Sunday Spread
June 19, 2011
Happy Father’s Day to you if you’re in a country celebrating Father’s Day and also if you’re a father. If you’re neither a father nor in a country celebrating Father’s Day, I hope an opportunity to celebrate you for something comes up before too long. When is Secretary’s Day? If you’re a father, but not […]
Playboy Bunny Hops Away
June 18, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard the news that 85-year-old Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, was left by his 25-year-old fiance, Crystal Harris, only five days before the wedding. She felt terrible about calling the wedding off on such short notice, and in her defense, she did try and tell him every day for a month: “I’m sorry, Hugh. […]
Your New Exercise Program
June 17, 2011
This time you’re going to do it! Nothing is going to stop you from getting in shape. You purchased an expensive exercise machine and you plan to work out every day. Allow me to help you create your exercise program: Day 1: Open exercise equipment box. Day 1: Lay out parts. Day 1: Misplace parts. […]
Spelling Bee Stings
June 16, 2011
Did you watch any of the national Scripps Spelling Bee last week on ESPN? Congratulations to Sukanya Roy who sealed the victory by correctly spelling “Cymotrichous”. News of the victory spread quickly among excited teenagers as they texted each other the news: wassup, playa, U heer bout Speling Be champyon? Fo shizzle, mine laydee Sukanya […]
Terrible Golf Made Easy
June 15, 2011
If someone invites me to go golfing, I usually accept but clarify, “I’m not an outstanding golfer.” This gives the impression I may be only a degree or two below outstanding–not a bad place to find yourself. But to be honest, I’m not a good golfer either. Actually, I’m not even average. To be clear, […]
Please Cast Me in The Great Gatsby Movie
June 14, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard about the new Great Gatsby film that begins shooting this summer. Australian director Baz Luhrmann will be shooting the Leonardo DiCaprio 3D film in Syndey, and I’m more than a bit puzzled as to what he sees in the book that would make the movie adaption ripe material for 3D treatment. Baz, […]
I Formally Announce My Candidacy for International Monetary Fund Director
June 13, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard about the managing director vacancy at the International Monetary Fund after Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s resignation. Strauss-Kahn was forced to resign after accusations of sexual misconduct, and since that time Christine Lagarde of France has emerged as the top candidate to follow in his footsteps and win the $500,000 a year job–but not necessarily […]
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