Perhaps you’ve heard about the managing director vacancy at the International Monetary Fund after Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s resignation. Strauss-Kahn was forced to resign after accusations of sexual misconduct, and since that time Christine Lagarde of France has emerged as the top candidate to follow in his footsteps and win the $500,000 a year job–but not necessarily follow in his footsteps in regard to sexual misconduct.
I formally announce my candidacy for the position of managing director. I write “formally” announce because that’s what people say, but I realize a blog post may qualify more as an informal announcement. Is there paperwork I should be filling out? I went to the http://www.imf.org website and searched the job listings but didn’t see any posting about managing director, even though I know the job is still open.
I would make an excellent managing director because I am very good with money. Whenever I buy groceries I almost always have exact change. I’m also good at dividing up a restaurant bill in my head and calculating the 15% gratuity without the help of a calculator. When the King of Zaire asks to borrow 1 billion dollars, and his interest rate is 15%, I could quickly calculate the payments in my head without needing a calculator. This will be incredibly impressive to the King of Zaire and will convince him the IMF is a credible organization, and he will refer all his friends.
I had a paper route when I was a kid and was always able to get up very early in the morning. If I say I’ll arrive at the IMF by 9:00AM, that’s exactly when I’ll arrive. Of course this is only a hypothetical situation in which you get me to say I’ll arrive at 9:00AM. I’m much more likely to say 11:30AM if given the option. I’ll always get there by 11:30AM, and you don’t have to worry about me showing up at noon every day and giving you excuses about a broken alarm or driving my mom to the doctor.
I’m very good with trivia and know all sorts of stuff about the world. If the King of Zaire introduces himself, right away I would be able to say, “Oh, Zaire, that’s in Africa, right?” The King of Zaire will be impressed that the IMF has a managing director who can find Africa on a map, and he will refer all of his friends.
I will not lend money to Spain. I’ve known a lot of Spaniards and they are always going to a party or coming back from a party or talking about a past party or talking about a future party or talking about the possibility of a future party or asking to be introduced to your friend who they heard is having a party. I just don’t see when they’ll have time to pay our money back with all that partying.
I will not tolerate anyone telling me Zaire is no longer a country, and I will not tolerate the King of Zaire/Congo telling me he is actually a president and not a King. That’s the kind of attitude that talks you right out of a loan, King of Zaire.
I would prefer not to lend any money to Scotland or Quebec if they ever leave their respective countries. I don’t want the UK and Canada giving me dirty looks and accusing me of taking sides.
One of my first acts as managing director would be to only lend 1 billion dollars at a time and always at an interest of 15% to make calculating the interest in my head much easier. This 15% includes all interest, balance, and a small gratuity for myself.
If the King of Zaire does not pay back our money, I don’t think we should break his legs because how is he going to earn enough money to pay us back if he can’t walk to his job, right? I’m the only candidate who has vowed not to break anyone’s legs. Why won’t the other candidates take a strong anti-leg-breaking stance?
I would like my $500,000 a year to be paid in pirate gold.
I want a letterman’s jacket with the letters IMF over the chest and Managing Director on the back.
I want to present IMF loans with one of those giant novelty checks.
I sent an email to email@example.com but did not receive a response. Please contact the IMF and let them know you support my candidacy, especially if you are someone important.