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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Columns«
See you in hell, printer!
Yesterday I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams and threw my printer out the window. All my life I’ve wanted to toss a printer out the window as a lesson and a warning to other printers: I will no longer put up with your blinking lights, paper jams, misaligned printing, and constant requests for new […]
You just got Houdini’ed!
May 13, 2011
I woke up this Friday the 13th haunted by the image of Harry Houdini. Before you look at the picture below, I must warn you there is a very good chance you will be entranced by Houdini’s hypnotic eyes, and it’s possible you won’t be able to look away–ever! This drawing was created by SpilledInkGuy […]
Leaving on a Low Note
May 12, 2011
This past week I’ve been thinking a lot about endings in life, and the following three proverbs came to mind: All good things must come to an end. All’s well that ends well. Todd took a fourth piece of pizza even though some people haven’t had any pizza yet. I realize the third proverb may […]
The Blindest Blind Date
May 11, 2011
We’ve all made the mistake of setting up friends on a blind date. You know two single people, you think they would be perfect for each other because they have so much in common–for example, both of them are extremely lonely–and you suggest arranging a blind date to throw the two lonely hearts together. What’s […]
I Have Good News and Bad News
May 10, 2011
If someone says they have good news and bad news and asks which I want to hear first, I always reply, “Give me the good news first,” because there’s always a chance I might die before they get to the bad news. Sometimes you choose hearing the good news first, but the good news also […]
Checkmate, Kindle!
May 9, 2011
My wife and I read a lot. She’s a librarian (of the hot librarian variety). I collect books like an addict, although no books about addiction, and we’re proud of our personal library. We belong to book clubs, attend literary festivals, and can think of no better household decoration than giant stacks of books on […]
You’re Welcome, Mom
May 6, 2011
Parents are supposed to love all their children equally, but my siblings and I knew our parents had favorites. They always said they loved us the same, and they tried not to let their favoritism show, but still, we all knew…because we listened at the door on Mother’s Day as they criticized the cards we […]
If You Want to be Impressed, Always Call Before Dropping in on the Johnsons
May 5, 2011
“Oh, you’re in the neighborhood and wanted to drop in. That’s fine. We’ll see you in ten minutes.” “But I’m just around the corner. I can be there in three.” “But still, we’ll see you in ten minutes.” I shout out to my wife and two sons, “Ten minutes, team! We’ve got ten minutes to […]
The Search Engine Oracle Has Spoken
April 30, 2011
Bloggers receive a list of search terms that lead viewers to their sites. I assume most people who find my site through a search engine did not find what they were looking for because I have a lot of posts offering satirical advice. If fifty search engine viewers come to the site each day, I […]
Practical Jokes that Go too Far–Part 3
April 27, 2011
If you read my previous two posts Practical Jokes that Go Too Far Part 1 and Part 2, you remember my friend Todd was the frequent target of my pranks, and a profoundly poor sport. Many readers had a hard time believing Todd would still be my friend after tricking him into believing: 1. His […]
Waste Your Time Reading About Time-Wasting Robots
April 26, 2011
Read aloud in an ominous voice: The time-wasting robot invasion is at hand. First we were told robots would be our servants and make modern living easier, allowing humans more free time for recreation and family. And how did we spend this free time? I spent it watching TV and movies about people recreating and […]
New Holiday Mascots Who May Give the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus a Run for Their Money
April 25, 2011
Listen up, second-tier holidays! If you want to be successful, you’ve got to get your holiday a Santa or an Easter Bunny. Hey Arbor Day, how come nobody remembers your holiday’s date, but kids count down the whole year to Christmas even though there are way more trees than Christians in the world? You know […]
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May 14, 2011
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