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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Columns«
The Search Engine Oracle Keeps on Speaking
Every search term tells a story. As I explained in my previous posts, Search Engine Oracle one and two, I like to imagine the circumstances that inspire these searchers to rush to a search engine seeking advice. What happened to this searcher earlier in the day? what do you say when someone tells you that someone […]
Saturday Shuffle
July 30, 2011
On Thursday night my seven-year-old, The Fonz, lost a tooth while attending a rodeo/carnival. He told me the news and expected me to be excited, but I immediately quoted the ancient proverb: “He who loses his tooth at a carnival in the presence of many toothless carnies, is destined to grow up to be a […]
Weekend Sampler
July 16, 2011
Yesterday I heard Optimist Prime shout out to his little brother, The Fonz, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?” The Fonz was on a different floor and shouted back, “Where are you?” I said to The Fonz, “Here’s a rule of thumb you can use the rest of your life: If someone shouts for […]
Fresh Fish: From Fish Bowl to Toilet Bowl
July 11, 2011
Our goldfish, Aunt Agatha, recently died after a two day battle with floatsidewaysitis. (Note: If you name your goldfish Aunt Agatha or Uncle Fred, you can use their deaths to get out of social engagements. “I can’t come to your son’s bar mitzvah because Aunt Agatha died. The children aren’t handling it well at well. […]
Sunday Appetizers
July 10, 2011
Our seven-year-old, The Fonz, asked his mom, “If you had a zillion dollars would you spend it all on make-up?” She laughed but never answered. I assume she’s still thinking about it. ….. My wife said she needed a new philosophy for dealing with people because she felt she was too much of a pushover. […]
More Indifferent State Tourism Slogans: Now 50% More Slogany
July 4, 2011
Happy birthday, America! I got you a card but I wasn’t sure where to send it. Allow me to apologize for sullying your reputation by trying to settle all arguments both home and abroad with a chant of “USA! USA! USA!” Now for a selection of even indifferenter, fat-freer, low calorierer, state tourism slogans: Alabama: […]
Sunday Brunch
July 3, 2011
Yesterday my seven-year-old, The Fonz, told my wife, “Parenting must be hard, especially when you have kids.” I would have answered, “Actually, parenting without having kids is even harder.” ….. Christine Lagarde was selected this week as International Monetary Fund Managing Director. I never received a response to my job inquiry email to the IMF. […]
Indifferent State Tourism Slogans
July 1, 2011
Arizona: 47 days without a killer bee attack. Connecticut: ‘Connect’ing Rhode Island and New York since 1788. Delaware: Experts in giving directions to Maryland, Pennsylvania, or New Jersey. Kansas: You’ve got to stop for gas somewhere–why not stop in Kansas? Kentucky: Now accessible by car. Louisiana: Anyone named Louis or Ana eats free. Maine: Once […]
All in Due Time
June 27, 2011
When my wife turned thirty-one, my youngest son told her, “Hey Mom, only twenty-nine years until you’re sixty!” I’m sure sixty seems pretty far away to my son, but kids have no idea time will pass faster and faster as they get older. When I was a kid, I didn’t pay much attention to calendars […]
Sunday Souffle
June 26, 2011
Sometimes I watch my sons while they play outside, and I’m always interested in the new games they invent. This morning I watched my 7-year-old son, The Fonz, spend almost two hours racing against a rock. He would count down 3, 2, 1, then flick a rock across the pavement and sprint to overtake it. […]
Your Summer Swimsuit Strategy
June 21, 2011
Summer has arrived for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere. For you Southern Hemispherians, I hope you’re enjoying winter as well as a respite from the full effects of the ozone hole we sent your way. (Have you been to Australia? It’s like they have three suns down there. You can get sunburned while […]
Sunday Spread
June 19, 2011
Happy Father’s Day to you if you’re in a country celebrating Father’s Day and also if you’re a father. If you’re neither a father nor in a country celebrating Father’s Day, I hope an opportunity to celebrate you for something comes up before too long. When is Secretary’s Day? If you’re a father, but not […]
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August 1, 2011
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