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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Breaking News Fixed«
Americans Greet New Obesity Statistics with Literal Heavy Hearts
Last week two health groups released a study showing United States obesity had risen in sixteen states and fallen in none. I read multiple articles on the discouraging trend, and I made an effort to click on and therefore reward articles that attempted to make the headline a play on words like “U.S. Obesity Numbers […]
Is that Justin Bieber I Smell?
July 8, 2011
You may know Canadian Justin Bieber as the teen heartthrob who made $53 million last year, most notably for singing the song Baby which repeated the word “baby” 54 times, almost exactly $1 million per “baby”. If you forget the words, just try shouting “baby” and the odds are in your favor. If you haven’t […]
Bet Your Bottom Sacajawea You Don’t Have a $1 Coin in Your Pocket
June 30, 2011
As a kid I enjoyed collecting coins until I learned I could lose those collected coins through a hole in my pocket. I also learned I could lose an older brother’s coin collection through a hole in my pocket. I also learned I could place the last remaining coin in my little brother’s pocket and […]
Flip a Coin–Preferably a $1 Coin
June 29, 2011
Over the years the US Federal Reserve has made numerous efforts to convince Americans to use a $1 coin instead of the $1 bill. The latest effort–the presidential $1 coin series–has resulted in over $1 billion dollars of coins nobody wants as the law calls for their production and a new president to be honored […]
TSA Doesn’t Negotiate with Terrorists, or Grandmas
June 28, 2011
On Sunday, a Florida woman complained when TSA airport agents patted down her 95-year-old mother and insisted she remove her adult diaper. The story spread quickly through social media as an example of overreaching government officials wasting resources scrutinizing a harmless elderly woman while the most likely elderly threats like Larry King continue to roam […]
Very Fast, Moderately Furious
June 25, 2011
Great news for fans of bad acting and bad movies: Universal Pictures has announced plans for a sixth Fast and Furious movie. The announcement was short on plot details because the computer that writes the Fast and Furious screenplays was on vacation this week. When the computer returns, the studio will input the following and […]
My Wife’s Facebook Status: Single if George Clooney is Asking
June 23, 2011
Did you hear George Clooney is single again? And did you hear women everywhere changed their Facebook statuses to ‘Single if George Clooney is asking’? The actor and his girlfriend of two years, Italian model Elisabetta Canalis, recently split. No reasons were given for the break-up, although my inside source tells me George was disappointed […]
Announcing the Apple iPhone 5
June 22, 2011
Great news for you Apple iPhone fans–Apple has announced the new iPhone 5 will be released this August or September. Remember today as the day the sight of your iPhone 4 began to disgust you. Apple addicts everywhere were ecstatic in anticipation of the opportunity to spend almost a thousand dollars to buy the exact […]
Everybody Loves a Clown…Except for Everybody I Know
June 20, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the off-duty police officer dressed as a clown who shot a man trying to rob him at gunpoint. This must be a pretty rundown neighborhood when a clown catches your eye as the wealthiest potential mugging target. Think of all the rich clowns who are members of your country […]
Playboy Bunny Hops Away
June 18, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard the news that 85-year-old Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, was left by his 25-year-old fiance, Crystal Harris, only five days before the wedding. She felt terrible about calling the wedding off on such short notice, and in her defense, she did try and tell him every day for a month: “I’m sorry, Hugh. […]
Trouble the Millionaire Dog
June 10, 2011
Today the world mourns the death of Trouble the millionaire dog. You may remember Trouble as billionaire Leona Helmsley’s Maltese who received $12 million in inheritance when Helmsley died in 2007. The news articles covering Trouble’s death mentioned she received death threats throughout her life from people angry that a dog would inherit 12 million […]
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