Tomorrow I celebrate my 33rd birthday by boarding a plane back to Shanghai. I feel a bit cheated that I’ll be traveling east and the change in time zones will cut significant time from my birthday. If my calculations are correct, my birthday will only last 19 hours. Where will these 5 hours go? Somebody owes me these missing 5 hours, but I’m not sure to whom I should address my complaint. If there’s an international body responsible for mediating birthday disputes, I’d like to have these 5 hours restored and made available to use throughout the year as I see fit.
If Todd asks me to help him move, I can spend one hour of my birthday when I answer, “Sorry, it’s my birthday.”
If someone gets mad at me for something that really is my fault, I can answer, “I guess I was distracted because it’s my birthday,” and he’ll feel guilty.
When my wife tells me the kids are singing in a school Christmas pageant, I can ask, “Why am I being punished on my birthday?”
Making People Feel Guilty is the Greatest Gift of All
Because I’ll be traveling and out of touch all day, I look forward to making friends and family feel guilty by saying, “Not one person wished me happy birthday. Nobody called. Nobody made me a cake. Nobody gave me a present.” Their guilt will entitle me to ask for favors all year long without ever having to do anything in return. Could there be a better birthday gift?
Amsterdam Layover?
I’ll spend 9 of these 19 birthday hours on layover in Amsterdam. I’ve been through the Amsterdam airport many times, but I’ve never left during a layover because I’ve heard there isn’t much to do in Amsterdam. Everyone keeps telling me to go to the “coffeeshops” and ask for the “special blend”, but if I wanted coffee I could easily buy it in the airport Starbucks for the price of U2 concert tickets.
Dreams I Never Had Until I Realized My Age Made Them Impossible
As I get older I realize certain dreams are definitively out of reach at 33.
I’ll never be in a boy band. Some readers will immediately think of a few boy banders who lip-synched well into their thirties, but name one who made the group after 30.
I’ll never be the new Dylan in a 90210 high school soap opera. In the original 90210, the oldest high schooler was 29-year-old Gabrielle Carteris, who played a sophomore. If any reader can cite an actor on any high school soap opera like Dawson’s Creek, One Tree Hill, or 90210 who played a high schooler at 33 or older, this information would truly be a great birthday present.
I won’t be the youngest to scale Mount Everest. This record belongs to 13-year-old, Jordan Romero. At 13 years of age, if my son, Optimist Prime, can remember to change his shirt every day I’ll be thrilled.
I won’t be the youngest man in space. This honor belongs to Soviet cosmonaut Gherman Titov who was 25 years old. I’m also probably not the youngest to observe Gherman seems an odd name for a Soviet cosmonaut.
I won’t be the youngest US Senator, although I still dream of becoming the youngest Senator censured for not wearing pants on the Senate floor.
I had a crush on Serena when she hosted the Channel One news shown each day at my middle school. She impressed me by knowing way more about current events than any of the girls at my school.
I won’t be an MTV VJ. I know Serena Altschul continued VJing into her thirties, but she started much younger. Does anybody have Serena’s phone number so I can talk to her about my chances, perhaps over dinner?
I won’t be on American Idol because the cutoff is 28. And I wouldn’t win American Idol anyway since my wife insists the ability to select the perfect karaoke playlist does not automatically translate into a recording contract.
And saddest of all, I won’t be the youngest to combine all of these dreams to be the first boy bander/high school soap opera star/astronaut/Senator/MTV VJ/American Idol winner to scale Everest.
I Feel Increasingly Awkward Around Young People
The use of the term “the man” seems to be the exclusive property of teenagers and those in their twenties. When I talk to anyone in their twenties about “the man” keeping us down, they appear squeamish.
Even if I attend a party with people in their twenties, I fear I’m excluded when they later talk about all the cool young people at the party. “Everyone who was anyone was there! Everybody and Paul.”
The Good Greatsby 
georgettesullins
August 30, 2011
I think it’s already tomorrow in Shanghai from where I live. Well, Happy Birthday from my time zone to yours!
The Good Greatsby
August 30, 2011
Thanks for the birthday wishes. Just don’t wish me happy birthday on my actual birthday so I can feel sorry for myself.
Sid (@SidMILB)
August 30, 2011
Don’t worry. Your thirties are overrated. Thank of it as an express pass to your forties, which are better.
Happy belated.
The Good Greatsby
August 30, 2011
The thirties have been good, but they’re passing too quickly for me make any real assessment. I assume the forties will evaporate even faster.
daisyfae
August 30, 2011
you’re still in your “early thirties” for another year. when you hit “mid-thirties”, that’s when the funk settles… but for what it’s worth? my forties have rocked! if anyone had told me in my thirties that i’d be having the (ahem) adventures i’m having now? i’d have said “Ewwww… That’s gross! Old people shouldn’t do that!”.
The Good Greatsby
August 31, 2011
Makes you wonder what your fifties have in store for you.
stuffialmostbought
August 30, 2011
Look on the brightside – you are still too young to be a candidate for the US presidency.
Random fact – 33 is the atomic number for arsenic…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/33_(number)
The Good Greatsby
August 31, 2011
The atomic number for arsenic? I’m not sure how I should take that.
stuffialmostbought
August 31, 2011
You could drop into conversation…”I know everyone considers me an excellent blogger with exceptional comedic talents…but did you know that my age is the same as the atomic number for arsenic. Nobody’s perfect.”
Thomas Stazyk
August 31, 2011
Maybe because it goes well with old lace?
gerknoop
August 30, 2011
Oh to be 33 again! I would do it all so differently! Happy B-day and enjoy your 19 hrs!
Your b-day present? The faces of OP, The Fonz and your wife! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
August 31, 2011
If the faces of my children are my present, they just better be clean.
Jillian Harvie
August 30, 2011
a virgo…. interesting!
The Good Greatsby
August 31, 2011
I find it interesting that you find that interesting.
HoaiPhai
August 30, 2011
Happy birthday! Please congratulate your mother for a job well done.
If you don’t like coffee, while you’re in Amsterdam you should visit a district reserved for travel agents. Ask the taxi driver to take you to “De Wallen”. The Dutch have this crazy tradition of having their travel agents sit in windows, making them visible from the street so you know they are not busy so you’ll not have to wait for service. Ask them about their “Around the World Special”. Be sure to tell them it’s your birthday.
The Good Greatsby
August 31, 2011
I’ve always wondered what happened to all the world’s travel agents who were put out of business by the Internet. Good to hear they’re still doing well in Amsterdam.
jacquelincangro
August 30, 2011
Happy Bir-! It seems that since about 20 % of your birthday is going to disappear into the ether, I will only give you 80% of your birthday wishes.
I think I’ll spread the rest out randomly throughout the year. In a few weeks you might get a “TH.” Then maybe in December a “D” will come along. You’ll never know when that 20% will come.
educlaytion
August 30, 2011
Welcome to my age. It’s true that you can’t be one of the sideburned kids on high school soaps anymore. You’ll now have to be the lovable neighbor or some guy who works behind the counter but can offer perspective every 6 episodes.
pegoleg
August 30, 2011
Go for the senate/pants thing- a man should always have a dream!
spilledinkguy
August 30, 2011
At 31 I thought I had two good make some dreams come true years left in me… until I got to your examples, that is.
*sigh*
You kids stay off my lawn!
gojulesgo
August 30, 2011
Happy birthday, Paul!! I trust you’ll make the best of the circumstances, and by that I mean do drugs in Amsterdam.
thesinglecell
August 30, 2011
Happy birthday, Senator No-Pants. You got me beat on the Gherman/Soviet observation by a year and four months. Does that help?
She's a Maineiac
August 30, 2011
Happy birthday! Hmm, a Virgo, just like me. It’s no wonder I find you so hilarious. Ah, who needs to be the new Dylan. You could be the new Karate Kid. I do believe Ralph Macchio was 65 when he was in the first one.
thelifeofjamie
August 30, 2011
Hey…NKOTBSB is making a very popular comeback. Maybe if you off one of them- you could join their band? I hear they are pretty popular on the cruise circuit. Do you think you could be on the Real World or Road Rules?
Lenore Diane
August 30, 2011
Hahaha – She’s not only a Maineiac – she’s a hoot and a half! (Ralph Macchio was 65 when he was the Karate Kid. Funny!)
Did someone say Dylan? Yes, well – being in my 40s and nearly 10yrs older than you, Mr. 19hr Birthday Guy, Dylan made me swoon. Swoon, I say. Age – smage. Dylan was IT.
And Serena Altschul … adore her. I watch her most Sundays on CBS Sunday Morning. Yep, she does ‘old’ TV now.
Ah – your future looks so bright! Um. You have started taking Geritol daily, right?
Oh yeah …. Happy .. meh, I’ll tell ya later.
Gemma Sidney
August 30, 2011
My birthday was at the end of June and my husband still hasn’t given me a gift. He claims it’s my fault as I didn’t tell him what I wanted, and he sighs loudly each time I bring it up. But it’s a great way of bringing the attention back to me and getting sympathy from others.
Enjoy your year of being able to complain about your non-birthday. Make the most of it!
John Erickson
August 30, 2011
Never fear – you’re still a young punk. I was in high school before you were even conceived. Our daily driver car was built while you were still in high school, and my beloved Cavalier was built when you were 8. I’ve been in exile in Ohio for a 1/3 of your life. You can proudly claim to not yet be middle-aged. I’m well past the midpoint of my life, cause with my health, there ain’t a chance in heck I’m getting to my 90s! 🙂
So Happy Birthday, ya little whippersnapper! And think of it this way – the 5 vanished hours will pale in comparison to the YEARS of your life you’ll lose to waiting for the bathroom….. 😀
gerknoop
August 31, 2011
HoaiPhai, so not nice of you! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Don’t do it Greatby! He’s sending you to the red light district! Prostitute central!
Laura
August 31, 2011
Happy birthday! Don’t forget to take advantage of all the cool airline birthday perks:
At the first airport: “It’s my birthday. I’d like my free upgrade to first class, please.”
On the plane: “It’s my birthday. Please tell the air traffic controller we’re next.”
At the Schipol casino: “It’s my birthday. Please give me some free chips. I’ll be here for 9 hours, so I’ll probably need a lot of them.”
At the Shanghai airport baggage claim: “It’s my birthday. Please give me the three suitcases with the most expensive collection of valuables. Plus maybe one or two containing items that would make suitable presents for my kids.”
bschooled
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday!
Have you ever thought of being in a man band that sings boy band cover songs?
This way, you’d still be able to sing about true heartache from a fourteen-year-old perspective, but without that annoying falsetto voice.
Pie
August 31, 2011
33? A mere bagatelle, sir!
You seem to have done a lot in your life already and I’m sure you’ll do much more. It’s true there are things you may never get to do now that your twenties are well behind you, but there are other things you can do that are not necessarily age related, but down to attitude. My 33rd year was rubbish. I couldn’t get shot of it quickly enough. Now that I’m Officially Old™ I’m really greedy for experiences. I’m currently learning to swim and ice skate and the words “you really shouldn’t be doing that at your age” is the red rag I need to go right ahead and do it. Wherever you are right now, have (hope you had) a great birthday.
nancyfrancis
August 31, 2011
I totally hear where you’re coming from – I have approximately 339 days left to say “I did it in my 20’s”
torcon1
August 31, 2011
Happy truncated birthday. BTW, what’s with all your global travel – are an international arms dealer posing as a smoking-jacket-clad-gad-about-blogger??? Just curious….
Brown Road Chronicles
August 31, 2011
Yes but think of all the old man geriatric bands that are still rockin’ it out. Perhaps that would be a possibility. Not that your on the verge of being an old geriatric or anything like that… Good luck.
Thomas Stazyk
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday! Think of it as a tipping point when you stop striving to be the youngest to do something and start trying to be the oldest. Like the oldest person at a Justin Bieber concert. As they say, it’s all downhill after 30.
Dana
September 14, 2011
I dunno… I think there must be a lot of 45-year old moms at Bieber concerts. Same with at Twilight movies. 33 is definitely not the oldest.
pattisj
August 31, 2011
If you don’t get all the hours, then maybe you are still in your prime at 32 a bit longer. I’d wish you a happy birthday, but you didn’t wish me one on Friday, so there! The “Increasingly awkward around young people” feeling will continue until you have a doctor who is younger than you. After that, you won’t be able to remember anything.
Jillsy Girl
August 31, 2011
But think of all the things you can still achieve….The Youngest Person to Celebrate His 50th Birthday or The Youngest Person to wear checkered shorts up to his waist with white socks and a pair of black support shoes (This one would be the one to work toward!). Lots more opportunities out there if you give it some thought. 😉
Happy B’day!
the master
August 31, 2011
There’s a very simple solution to this problem – just lie about your age! I’m only three years younger than you, but with the aid of my youthful looks, a high-pitched voice and a very convincing fake birth certificate, nine times out of ten I still manage to get on the bus for free.
writerwannabe2011
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday! Don’t stress over the 33 years thing. I love being 42 and watching the reaction of “young” people who marvel that I even know what OMG means. Age is what you make it — so embrace the fact you’ll never be those things. It’s less stress for you and if all else fails, create your own reality! You’ve already done more by age 33 than I’ll ever do in a life time. I’ll probably never be an actress living in Shanghai jetting over to England for a “gig” and then stopping for coffee and “brownies” in Amsterdam. I’m even lucky if I find my way out the front door most days. Don’t stress — enjoy life, go home and love your babies and your wife, and continue living your awesome existence. The worst thing you’ll become is like Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men. Even that would be awesome! 😀
limr
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday and have a good flight!
I once had a 9-hour layover in Amsterdam. Totally worth going into the city and walking around. It takes maybe half an hour and the shuttle couldn’t be easier to navigate. Nothing to do? I found plenty of neighborhoods to poke around in and I just kept walking. I loved it. But perhaps I’m just easily entertained 🙂
Warning: the Van Gogh museum will have a huge line. The museum might be worth it but I wasn’t going to waste my one afternoon in Amsterdam waiting on line.
thirdeyemom
August 31, 2011
Wow,.,,,tiy are so lucky and you are only 33! I am turning 40 in a few months and it is SCARY! I feel like I’m trapped in my 20s. Oh no.
And you are going to China. I will be there in two months. Please let your readers know what you think and any tips you may have. Happy Birthday. Hilarious post.
Binky
August 31, 2011
Why didn’t you fly westward to extend your birthday as long as possible?
Oh, and I did bake you a cake, but since you never showed up, I ate it. Don’t worry, it was delicious.
Leanne Shirtliffe
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday! I once flew from Thailand to Canada with a woman on her 50th birthday. The flight crossed the dateline which made her birthday so much longer. I don’t think this was a good thing…
eof737
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday and let us know once you find out who handles cases against the time thief … 😉
psychowatcher
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday!
joehoover
August 31, 2011
If you go into central Amsterdam you’ll lose a lot more than 5 hours, soon after I finished my coffee and cake there were people on bicycles in bird costume playing bird sounds from a loudspeaker. Sesame Street meets Hitchcock, freaky.
Don’t worry about edging further into your 30’s, think of the benefits instead…………………I’m still trying to think of them but it’ll come to me eventually (at 35 my memory is rapidly deteriorating)
Ape No. 1
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday Mr Greatsby!! I have managed to be airborne 3 out of my last 4 birthdays including this year when I was in Beijing. I understand your sentiments in terms of losing birthday time to the wiley ways of the international date line.
ajg
August 31, 2011
What the hell is Serena Williams wearing in that photo? A velour track soon?
Kim
September 1, 2011
They’re roll-over hours, you get them on your 34th birthday
JennyExiled
September 2, 2011
Bianca Lawson is 32 and playing a teenage high school girl on ABC Family’s Pretty Little Liars. Not 33, but getting closer every day.
xmichra
September 2, 2011
Happy belated birthday Paul. I’ll be turning 35 in a few weeks – so I feel ya. Only 2 years ahead of you for dreams not coming true. SO. ya. Happy birthday.
Poached Hens
September 2, 2011
Happy much belated, Paul!
I hope your next birthday has 14 hours to it.