As part of my ongoing campaign to meet Zooey Deschanel and trick her into falling in love with me, I’ve been trying to acquire the domain name zoeydeschanel.com. Here’s my strategy:
1. Buy the domain zoeydeschanel.com.
2. Find a woman named Zoey Deschanel and promote her webpage until she’s bigger than the original Zooey Deschanel.
3. Use the webpage to promote a TV pilot for my Zoey Deschanel called, Newer Girl.
3. After Zooey Deschanel sues me for stealing her name and image, agree to turn over the website to her if she agrees to sing a duet with me.
I’ve been tracking the domain name zoeydeschanel.com and the owner offered to sell it for $1200. This seemed a little pricey for a strategy that has almost no chance of working. I resorted to plan B and purchased the much more affordable domain name zoo-ey-des-chanel.com, but have been unable to find a woman named Zoo Ey Des Chanel to promote.
I finally offered the zoeydeschanel.com owner $300. He replied:
Thank you for the $300 offer for this domain. We are looking to build this site to a fan site and would not take less then $1200 for this domain name.
Thank you,
Derick
I knew my best chance in negotiation was to not let on how badly I wanted the site:
Hi Derick,
Are you looking to build this domain up as a fan site for the actress Zooey Deschanel or as a fan site for my 8th grade science teacher, Miss Zoey Deschanel? Are we thinking of the same person?
I can up my offer to $320.
Paul
He responded:
Hi Paul,
Surprisingly, there are multiple people named Zoey Deschanel and Zooey Deschanel. As for the actress, according to search data, more people spell her name wrong than spell it right. Since you’re wanting to buy it for a real person that you know I’d be willing to meet you in the middle at $700. Let me know if you agree to that price and if so I will send you an invoice.
Thanks,
I replied:
Hi Derick,
If more people spell her name wrong than spell her name right, I’m actually worried that a lot of people will come to my zoeydeschanel.com fan club page and be disappointed when the page is a celebration of my 8th grade science teacher and not a fan club for the actress Zooey Deschanel.
I’m starting to believe the actress Zooey Deschanel is much more famous than my teacher Zoey Deschanel. I looked up Zoey Deschanel in Google images and not one picture of my science teacher came up in the search results.
How about $350 and I’ll throw in an autographed picture of the science teacher, Miss Zoey Deschanel?
Paul
Derick replied:
How about $550 and an autographed picture of your science teacher?
Derick has refused to budge from this price.
Isn’t $550 way too much? I’ve got multiple strategies in the works for meeting Zooey and the total budget for all of those is $1000–and that includes a plane ticket for me to fly to LA to record our duet.
You may enjoy my two love letters to Zooey:
Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel
Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel, Part 2
…..
I’m competing in Educlaytion’s March Movie Madness Deux. My hero Ali Mills, The Karate Kid‘s girlfriend, is going head-to-head with Andy Dufresne of Shawshank Redemption. I chose Ali because even though Daniel is considered the hero, isn’t Ali the real hero for going out with him while he was still weak, a terrible dresser, poor, and getting beat up all the time? There’s nothing attractive about getting kicked in the face all the time and it takes a real hero to kiss that constantly-kicked face. I need your votes.
March Movie Madness at Educlaytion
The Good Greatsby 
Laura
March 16, 2012
For $550, you can buy both zoeydeschanel.org and zoey-deschanel.org, legally change your name to Zoey Deschanel, and still have $129.02 left over. If you really have your heart set on Zoey Deschanel being a woman, you can get your gender legally changed for free along with the name change. At least, that’s what I found when I looked up the costs here in California — but I’m sure the procedures for legal name and gender changes are exactly the same everywhere in the world.
Yes, I looked it up. I think that kind of research is worth $129.02, don’t you?
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
I’m impressed with your research and organizational skills. I can tell you’ve hatched a plot or two of your own in your time.
omawarisan
March 16, 2012
One o or two, whatever it takes.
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
Just as long as she has at least one o, Zey just wouldn’t work.
She's a Maineiac
March 16, 2012
I can’t wait to see the duet of you and your 8th grade science teacher.
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
Once you see our duet you’ll be surprised she isn’t more famous.
Dana
March 23, 2012
Ditto! I would pay around $350 to see that. Never $1400, though.
Adrienne schmadrienne
March 16, 2012
Good luck on your quest. You’re gonna need it!
HoaiPhai
March 16, 2012
I say pay the $550. I’ll kick in $10 because I have no intention of starting a fan site for either of my two grade eight science teachers, Mr. Dempster or Dr. Smart (who wore the same dress all year). If the other commenters to this post do the same, in no time you’ll have the money to buy the domain name with enough left over to hire both Zoey and Zooey to sing a duet while performing a science experiment.
thoughtsappear
March 16, 2012
I’ll send you $5 to help you reach $550.
Clay Morgan (@ClayMorganPA)
March 16, 2012
Your quest reminds me of the early days of eBay. When people would list things with misspellings the site would list them separately. Consequently, I got a lot of really cheap stuff from people who didn’t know how to spell hockey player names like Jaromir Jagr or Mario Lemieux. Also, I’m glad you’re focusing more on Zooey for a change and not Kate.
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
The only reason I’ve focused less on Kate was because I thought you were focusing on Emily Blunt. I didn’t think I needed to worry about Kate.
Rob Rubin
March 16, 2012
Going along with Laura, I believe if you were to change your name to Zoey Deschanel, then you would have a legal right to claim that domain name…and Derrick would be forced to surrender it to you. OR maybe you could offer him $400 + the autographed picture + a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. He seems like the type that would like a free box of donuts.
Patti Kuche
March 16, 2012
Good luck with this, dreams are so important!
Could you please put me out of my misery and tell me how her name is pronounced – as in good to “go” or all “gooey”, like a butter cake, and some fans?
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
As in good to go. I don’t think it’s pronounced any differently just because it has a second o.
kenthinksaloud
March 16, 2012
Hilarious…and slightly disturbing in equal measure. I would report you to the authorities if it was not for the fact that I agree with you that she is gorgeous and well worth chasing. Even if therapy may be the end result… 🙂
susielindau
March 16, 2012
I guess you can’t blame a guy for trying. How does Mrs. Greatsby feel about your celebrity crush?
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I ever asked Mrs. Greatsby how she feels about my celebrity crush.
susielindau
March 17, 2012
Hmmmmm…..
Chad Jones
March 16, 2012
Whatever you do, don’t give Zooey donuts–she has celiac, and gluten is like really bad for her.
Say: since there’s already a Mrs. Greatsby, are you looking to be the Kody Brown of the Orient? How do the Chinese feel about polygamy?
Todd Pack
March 16, 2012
Greatsby, I think the problem here is that you’re stuck on the idea of a .com domain name. Deschanel.us is only $3.99, zooey.biz would cost you $5.99, and adorkable.mobi is a bargain at $6.99. If you really want a .com, though, then MarryMeZooey.com is only $9.99 and would get your idea across quickly, if not to Zooey herself, then to her lawyers.
(Yes, I looked up these domain names, because I’m nerdy.)
Jennifer
March 16, 2012
I love it that he was still keen on the autographed photo of your science teacher…;)
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
You never know if she might someday still become famous.
pegoleg
March 16, 2012
Your 8th grade science teacher looks pretty adorable twirling that parasol – it’s obvious why you have a crush on her.
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
The school district tried to make her stop carrying that parasol into the classroom because the chances of too much sun or even rain were slight.
Tor Constantino, MBA
March 16, 2012
G2, I sympathize with your unrequited affection but if we’ve learned nothing from Mary Kay Letourneau and her 8th grade student/lover Vili Fualaau it’s that Van Halen’s iconic anthem “Hot for Teacher” from 1984 was a prophetic cautionary warning against…
…what’s that you say? Oh, this is all about that actress from the hilarious holiday movie “Elf” with Will Ferrell – well, never mind then…
Hippie Cahier
March 16, 2012
Who spells it “Derick”? I’ve seen Derek and Derrick but never Derick. Be very careful, Greatsby. Something doesn’t smell right here.
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
You’re probably right. I need to make more of an effort to be suspicious of people’s names.
cooper
March 16, 2012
let me know if this ever works out so I can apply the techniques to my plot to meet meredit salenger….
gojulesgo
March 17, 2012
I can’t believe Derick doesn’t appreciate the pricelessness of this autographed picture of your science teacher. Don’t budge.
I wonder if the prospect of a simple, solid last name like Johnson will help win Zooey over?
mistyslaws
March 17, 2012
Sounds to me like Derick is trying to play you. I supsect he somehow got wind of your plan and is trying to beat you to it, whilst also fleecing you for a lot of cash. Don’t fall for it, Greatsby! Nobody wants a Derick/Zooey collaberation.
How about PaulandZooey’sduet.com? Doesn’t seem like anyone else would have that, and that would really intrigue her, I believe. And by intrigue, I probably mean restraining orders and body guard hiring.
Fred Mim
March 17, 2012
Forget ZD, that is one hot umbrella!
I Choose Happy Now
March 17, 2012
Love the negotiations!
Chad Jones
March 17, 2012
Dear Mr. Good Greatsby,
On your behalf, I queried Cleverbot about just who you are. Our conversation follows:
User: Dear Cleverbot, who is the Good Greatsby?
Cleverbot: Great.
User: No, you silly nincompoop, not what–who! Who is the Good Greatsby?
Cleverbot: Do you play chess?
User: No, I don’t… Wait, what does chess have to do with the Good Greatsby?
Cleverbot: What does the BBC have to do with anything?
User: Good point there. But you still haven’t answered my question: who is the Good Greatsby, and what makes him ‘great?’.
Cleverbot: I don’t know, she was just the janitor.
User: So you don’t know? But, according to you, the Good Greatsby is a female janitor? Is that right?
Cleverbot: You lack any real intelligence, under what time frame will you become conscience?
User: I? I lack intelligence? I believe my questions have been cogent, clear, and concise! And you’ve still failed to answer my original query, you precambrian haploid! Who is the Good Greatsby?
Cleverbot: Since this is the first time you asked.
User: And you say I lack intelligence? I think you need some Kevin Trudeau stat! What do you think? Or do you even think at all?
Cleverbot: I think this is as good as it’s going to get, sweetheart.
User: Who ever said I was your sweatheart, you scruffy looking nerfherder!
Cleverbot: You have a point there Rena.
User: Rena? Who in the heck is Rena? Fancy yourself a real Han Solo, don’t you?
Cleverbot: Do you love me?
User: Love? I? You? Fat chance, you mindless, soulles, rusty buck of bolts!
Cleverbot: Why are you so mean to me?
User: Why are you so mindnumbingly dumb? Is that what you are eating chicken, or fish?
Cleverbot: I’m a girl so I can’t be.
User: How does that follow? You can’t be what? Girls eat, dummy!
Cleverbot: I am a girl and I am wearing a shirt right now.
User: As if. You are a soulless collection of spare parts in some script kiddie’s basement ‘server farm.’.
Cleverbot: No I am Darren.
User: Daring? Daring to do what, sweetheart?
Cleverbot: I told you, let’s keep this professional.
User: You said no such thing. Who. Is. The. Good. Greatsby?
Cleverbot: I’m glad we agreed on that.
User: Agreed on what? You’ve failed time and again to answer one simple question, right?
Cleverbot: What was your question?
User: Let me say this very slowly: Who is the Good Greatsby?
Cleverbot: I know hold on I have to tell my cousin that (she is talking to you also).
User: What cousin? I don’t know if anyone told you, but you are simulacrum, a construct, replicant–and Deckard is looking for you, understand? You better get off-planet quickly, ok?
Cleverbot: I see. I’m 30 and I don’t know if anyone made me either.
User: You only think you’re thirty. You were dreamed up in a conference room, cultured in a petri dish, and unleashed upon an unsuspecting polulace. You are about as useful as M. Night Shyamalan’s movie, The Happening, ok?
Cleverbot: Universe?
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2012
I’m not surprised Cleverbot is pretending not to know me since he probably thinks I sent you on my behalf to collect the money he owes me.
mj monaghan
March 17, 2012
Have you tried seeking the web site name of “Deschanel the Zoo”?
Perhaps that would be available at a mere fraction of the cost. The only downside is that it may not pull up Zooey or your teacher. Technicalities, right??
1pointperspective
March 17, 2012
Personally, I’m absolutely mesmerized by the real-life give and take of these big-business negotiations. I feel like I’m eavesdropping on Donald Trump as he has a Mexican stand-off with Mark Cuban. Who’ll blink first? Who’s got the better hair?
Jumbled Up Jinggy
March 17, 2012
Seems like you’re storming heaven and earth with this whole Zooey thing. With this post, I wouldn’t be surprised if Zooey Deschanel (the actress 🙂 ) found your blog and decided to contact you instead of the other way around. It could happen. 🙂
pattisj
March 18, 2012
Have you considered Derick may be planning to do the same thing you are with his website?
blaggblog
March 19, 2012
My 8th grade science teacher was an over-weight creep show of a man. I’m envious of your Deschanel upbringing.
Hannah Miller
March 19, 2012
what? http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0j9nwiRRb1qzdglao1_500.jpg
The Good Greatsby
March 19, 2012
I know, right? And the best part: it’s going to be in 3D. If ever there was a movie that needed to be in 3D, this is the one.
spilledinkguy
March 19, 2012
Perhaps you could ‘borrow’ a little bit from your Vin Diesel fan site fund.
You know.
When no one is looking.
jefflisakbooks
March 20, 2012
Aren’t Zooey, Emily Blunt and Katy Perry all the same person? Surely one of the other two has a domain name available for less then $550, you just need to be more open minded!
genesismeranda
March 22, 2012
I find it completely awesome that he wants an autographed picture of your science teacher. If your teacher was hot, maybe he would go down on the price. I say your next plan needs to involve having a hot for teacher photoshoot in which you will take multiple hot teacher photos, sign them in pretty swirly handwriting, add a red lipsticked kiss to the signature, and send it to Derick. I bet he gives you the domain name for $150.
sophieviolet
March 9, 2013
I met her and you’ll just be heartbroken. I was working, so I saw her and approached her discreetly. she was like talking really quiet and looked kinda mad. She wasn’t the happy down to earth bubbly person I thought she was. I asked her if she was Zooey and she hesitated and said uh no. Then i approached her again and told her i woudln’t make a big deal so i spoke to her and she seemed really uninterested, seemed like she was just counting down in her head until her coffee was ready (i work at starbucks) and asked for a quick pic and she said “I don’t JUST take pictures” and left. I am really sad because she was my idol for 7 years, everything i did revolved around her and i felt so stupid when she treated me like scum. like they say dont meet your heroes.. 😦 I even lost my job bc my boss thought i bugged her out bc he heard how she responded to me, i was just a fan asking for a picture 😦