An Interview with Apollo Fonzarelli

My seven-year-old son, Apollo Fonzarelli, nicknamed The Fonz, has been sick the last few days.  The kid is normally a high-energy, bundle of nerves, but his illness-induced lethargy gave me the rare opportunity to keep him in one place long enough to have a conversation.  I took the opportunity to sit next to his bed and give him a job interview.  Here’s the verbatim transcript:

Dad: What makes you think you’d be the right person for this position?

Fonz: What position?

Dad: The position you’re interviewing for.

Fonz: What was the question again?  I don’t think that makes sense.

Dad: Let’s move on.  What special skills do you have?

Fonz: I’m skilled at dancing and playing sports.

Dad: Do you think there’s a dance move, that if performed fast enough, might send the dancer back in time?

Fonz: Um…as a matter of fact definitely no.

Dad: What makes you think dancing and playing sports qualify you for this position?

Fonz: What position?

Dad: Let’s move on.  If you could choose to be any superhero, and it had to be Superman, which one would you choose?

Fonz: Superman.

Dad: Do you want to think about it a bit longer?  Take as long as you want.  But I’ll need an answer within thirty seconds.

Fonz: (No response.)

Dad: Is there a girl you like?

Fonz: Yes.

Dad: What’s her name?

Fonz: I don’t tell people that.

Dad: Do you have her phone number so I can send her a text message telling her you like her as your Christmas present this year?

Fonz: No.

Dad: What should you do if you see a friend doing drugs?

Fonz: I’d tell him ‘Don’t do drugs.  That’s bad.’  Then I’d kick him in the shins.

Dad: What would you do if you saw our cat, Megatron, doing drugs?

Fonz: I don’t think this question is necessary.

Dad: What are you getting me for Christmas?

Fonz: I’ll ignore this question, too.

Dad: Would you describe your dad as five times better than any of your friends’ dads or ten times better?

Fonz: Can I say a billion?

Dad: Yes.

Fonz: How about a googol?

Dad: Okay.  Do you think zombies should be able to vote?

Fonz: Why are you asking me these questions?  Question mark.  Question mark.  Exclamation point.

Dad: If you’re hired for the position, what would be your financial expectations?

Fonz: I don’t know what you mean.  Could you write down all my answers with an Australian accent?  (He asked this in a very posh English accent.)

Dad: You know how Mom always says you should try new foods because how could you know whether you like it until you try it?

Fonz: Yeah.

Dad: Would you try a pie called ‘poison pie’?

Fonz: Is it poisonous?

Dad: Why don’t you try it and find out?

Fonz: No.

Dad: If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it?

Fonz: No.

Dad: If all your friends ate garbage, would you eat it?

Fonz: No.

Dad: If you saw Santa Claus eating garbage, and he said it was the coolest, would you eat garbage?

Fonz: No.

Dad: Thanks for coming in today.  But I’m not sure you’re a match for this position.

Fonz: What position?

After the interview, I reviewed my notes and went back to The Fonz for a clarification.

Dad: During the interview, you asked if you could say I was a googol times better dad, but you didn’t actually say it.  Would you like to say it now?

Fonz: Yes.  I meant you’re a googol times better.

Dad: Okay.  Great.  Just wanted to make sure.