In yesterday’s post, Muy Caliente! Tips for Adding Spice to Your Marriage, I responded to an article outlining methods to add some excitement to your marriage. Today I’d like to suggest some of my own time-tested methods for keeping Mrs. Good Greatsby interested in yours truly.
#1 Leave each other notes around the house from inanimate objects.
One commenter yesterday suggested leaving each love notes, but my wife and I aren’t the romantic type as you may remember from my post Unromantic Gestures. The closest I come to writing love notes is when I send myself postcards from my vacations and many of these are from imaginary women I met who are now stalking me. Instead of love notes, I like to leave notes for my wife on the lunches she takes to school, but I like to write them as though the note had been written by the lunch.
Please, please, please don't eat me!
Please, please, please don’t eat me. It took all night to create this note and beg for help. A witch turned me into this sandwich. She wasn’t an evil witch, just really bad at magic. Before I was turned into a sandwich I used to be a pie.
If she comes home from work and her lunch is untouched, I know she thought of me during the day every time she remembered how hungry she was. My wife mentions her love for food a lot more often than she mentions her love for me and this is a way for me to associate myself with her hunger cravings.
She could respond by sending me notes from the TV.
#2 Organize a couples-only vampire hunting club.
A lot of women seem to be going crazy for vampire books, movies, and TV shows, and men today have enough difficulty keeping women’s attention without having to compete with the undead. Vampires weren’t content just to steal our blood–now they want to steal our women!
A vampire hunting club can be organized by either spouse. A wife who organizes gets to deflect suspicions she would gladly trade her husband for that brooding, soulful Edward. A husband who organizes gets to show he’s brave, can lead a group, and is handy with tools like a wooden stake. The sense of danger, purpose, and the romantic association with vampires may give your marriage some much needed excitement.
What does he have that I don't have besides soulful eyes, a chiseled jaw, and the ability to live forever?
#3 Pretend to be having an affair.
Once a week send yourself a text message and when it beeps, take a quick look at your phone in front of your spouse, say you have to go out, and give a weak and meandering excuse, “I’m off to…salsa class…to buy some…milk.” When you come back two hours later, give a completely different weak excuse of where you’ve been: “The store was out of milk…so…I helped a very unattractive friend move.”
Make suspicious transactions on your credit card for a hotel, flowers, and gifts. This will make your spouse get in shape, dress better, and pay more attention to you. Once your spouse finally confronts you with his or her suspicions, you admit you were planning a surprise party and had booked a hotel ballroom, flowers, and gifts for the occasion and had been meeting once a week to make plans with your spouse’s friends, all of whom will confirm your story. Your spouse will fell guilty for being suspicious and allow you to buy a bigger TV. If you’re not confronted right away because your spouse doesn’t pay you any attention, your spouse’s friends may tire of meeting to plan a surprise party after a few years of weekly meetings.
The Good Greatsby 
becomingcliche
November 10, 2011
Dude, you have GOT to do better than that. If you tell her you’re going to salsa class, you have to come home with CHIPS. Duh. She will immediately think “No one can be THAT stupid,” and become infinitely more suspicious. And attentive.
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
I’ve taken a salsa dance class but I honestly wouldn’t mind taking a making salsa class.
bigsheepcommunications
November 10, 2011
You really should let the poor woman eat her lunch without a guilt trip.
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
She forced my hand by loving food more than she loved me.
gerknoop
November 10, 2011
I am SO gonna copy the note in the lunch thing with my husband! ha ha ha ha ha ha!
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
I just want people to think about and appreciate the sacrifice the sandwich is making before they eat.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 10, 2011
I tried the affair thing with Then Husband. But then he found out I really was having one, so that didn’t add the kind of excitement to the marriage that I was hoping for.
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
You can’t be too picky about the “kind” of excitement. Some excitement is good and some is bad, but I can’t guarantee which kind you’re going to get.
Amy
November 10, 2011
For some reason (I don’t even know when I started doing this) I only ever call my husband “hun” or “sweetie”. Not in a cloyingly sweet way, just in place of his name. So, all I really have to do to get his attention is call him “Tom” (his actual name).
Although, if I called him “Adam” or “John” that would probably get his attention even quicker.
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
I never call my wife by the wrong name, but I sometimes hesitate like I’m searching for the correct name.
pattisj
November 11, 2011
Or you could do what a parent does…call the spouse by first, middle and last names, rather loudly.
nursemyra
November 11, 2011
I bet that really works well for you GG
bearmancartoons
November 10, 2011
Just like a kid…if you are very quiet, they will think something is up and have your full attention.
Beach Bum
November 10, 2011
My lovely and beautiful spouse pay me too much attention already, in the form of a complicated and never ending “Honey Do List”
Texas Moose House
November 10, 2011
THe lunch note is FUNNY! You have inspired me for my children’s lunches..ha..ha…ha!
She's a Maineiac
November 10, 2011
Amy’s idea is great. I rarely call my husband by his first name and if I do, he snaps to attention.
I love the food notes. Maybe I’ll try that when I’m struggling with my next diet. My Reese’s peanut butter cups can say “If you eat me, you’ll cellulite will only multiply!” or “Yeah, go on and take a bite, you know you want your thighs to expand!”
pegoleg
November 11, 2011
Reese’s cups already talk to me, but they’re always saying things like “Hello, lover!”
thelifeofjamie
November 10, 2011
excellent advice…the fake affair- gets them swooning every time!
lynne @ gardenmad
November 11, 2011
Damn, that grilled cheese sandwich looks tasty.
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
It’s so hard to make an ethical decision to spare its life when it looks so good.
nursemyra
November 11, 2011
But is there any bacon inside?
spilledinkguy
November 11, 2011
I spike all my wife’s sandwiches with garlic.
Just in case a vampire tries to glamor her into going halvsies at lunch and then trades something lame (like bologna with those spicy things).
Kimberly Pugliano
November 11, 2011
“What does he have that I don’t have besides soulful eyes, a chiseled jaw, and the ability to live forever?”
He sparkles in the sunlight. Amazing.
Spectra
November 11, 2011
I love the talking sandwich idea. It really does make you feel sorry for the sandwich. I would think twice before biting down on it, and listen very closely for a tiny, cheese-muffled scream…just in case.
Laura
November 11, 2011
The other nice thing about the fake affair is that if you ever decide to have a real one, your wife won’t notice the difference.
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
You’re right; she’ll be trained to assume any hints of an affair are simply misdirection.
John Erickson
November 11, 2011
Dude, anytime you want to go a-hunting vampires, I’m in! I think I’ve even got plans around here for a repeating crossbow. Nothing like rapid-fire stakes through the heart to slow a vampire down. And I’ve got plenty of cutlery for removing heads and such! And one of the Amish folk creates some kind of infusion with garlic, so we got that covered, too.
Just give me a holler, and we can ROLL! 😀
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
I’m game! Do you have any idea where we might find some vampires?
John Erickson
November 12, 2011
We could always start with wherever all those silly “Twilight” movies are set…..
nancyfrancis
November 11, 2011
Have you tried faking a terminal illness or expressing that you may be interested in ‘switching teams’? Those should get you loved up real quick 😉
shreejacob
November 11, 2011
Not sure if someone has already mentioned this, BUT…that fake affair thing and your wife ( or spouse / partner) getting this whole new makeover thing? Might just not even bother with the questions and find someone new instead..since you know, you won’t be actually trying to get fit and look good…then what? hehe
Carl D'Agostino
November 11, 2011
One thing that got my attention was credit card bills. “Oh, I was depressed.” Oh Really? Howsa about I depress you head with this here hammer…
Paige Kellerman
November 11, 2011
I like to intentionally not make the bed. That way he thinks that maybe I’m having an affair, or maybe I laid there all day writing poetry about his sideburns. I also like to lay his clothes out in the shape he’d be wearing them in, so he knows I was thinking about him while he was at work. On Fridays, I let him have the last Pop Tart. Our love burns brighter than most brush fires…
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
I would love to read some of that poetry about his sideburns.
educlaytion
November 11, 2011
I’ve taken this a step further. I find imaginary marriage a much better foundation to build from.
The Good Greatsby
November 11, 2011
But wouldn’t it be even more humiliating if your imaginary wife began ignoring you in favor of imaginary boyfriends?
Binky
November 11, 2011
If your wife loves food more than she loves you, perhaps you should dress up as a chicken salad and see how far that gets you.
belleofthecarnival
November 12, 2011
I think Bacon is key to any happy marriage or relationship. However, please disregard this tip if you or your significant other are vegans…
bluebee
November 12, 2011
Re #2 – he has really awful yellow teeth from drinking all that blood, so one to you if you have pearly whites
ifiwerebraveblog
November 14, 2011
Is it bad that I am seriously considering the vampire-hunting club? But I don’t want to find Robert Pattinson. I’d rather find Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2011
It’s not bad at all. It’s an opportunity for you to get outside, get some fresh air, and rid the world of undead killers.
mistyslaws
November 17, 2011
How much would you charge me to come over to my home and write notes like that on every food item I own? Maybe it would give me pause before I start shoving all those delicious treats into my pie hole.
Just think, this might be the new sensation . . . Wanna Lose Weight? Don’t hire a personal trainer. Too much work. Hire Good Greatsby! Guilt yourself to a leaner you.
I should really be in adverstising, n’est pas?