The Good Greatsby’s Tips for Getting Your Spouse’s Attention

Posted on November 10, 2011


In yesterday’s post, Muy Caliente! Tips for Adding Spice to Your Marriage, I responded to an article outlining methods to add some excitement to your marriage.  Today I’d like to suggest some of my own time-tested methods for keeping Mrs. Good Greatsby interested in yours truly.

#1 Leave each other notes around the house from inanimate objects.

One commenter yesterday suggested leaving each love notes, but my wife and I aren’t the romantic type as you may remember from my post Unromantic Gestures.  The closest I come to writing love notes is when I send myself postcards from my vacations and many of these are from imaginary women I met who are now stalking me.  Instead of love notes, I like to leave notes for my wife on the lunches she takes to school, but I like to write them as though the note had been written by the lunch.

Please, please, please don't eat me!

Please, please, please don’t eat me.  It took all night to create this note and beg for help.  A witch turned me into this sandwich.  She wasn’t an evil witch, just really bad at magic.  Before I was turned into a sandwich I used to be a pie.

If she comes home from work and her lunch is untouched, I know she thought of me during the day every time she remembered how hungry she was.  My wife mentions her love for food a lot more often than she mentions her love for me and this is a way for me to associate myself with her hunger cravings.

She could respond by sending me notes from the TV.

#2 Organize a couples-only vampire hunting club.

A lot of women seem to be going crazy for vampire books, movies, and TV shows, and men today have enough difficulty keeping women’s attention without having to compete with the undead.  Vampires weren’t content just to steal our blood–now they want to steal our women!

A vampire hunting club can be organized by either spouse.  A wife who organizes gets to deflect suspicions she would gladly trade her husband for that brooding, soulful Edward.  A husband who organizes gets to show he’s brave, can lead a group, and is handy with tools like a wooden stake.  The sense of danger, purpose, and the romantic association with vampires may give your marriage some much needed excitement.

What does he have that I don't have besides soulful eyes, a chiseled jaw, and the ability to live forever?

#3 Pretend to be having an affair.

Once a week send yourself a text message and when it beeps, take a quick look at your phone in front of your spouse, say you have to go out, and give a weak and meandering excuse, “I’m off to…salsa class…to buy some…milk.”  When you come back two hours later, give a completely different weak excuse of where you’ve been: “The store was out of milk…so…I helped a very unattractive friend move.”

Make suspicious transactions on your credit card for a hotel, flowers, and gifts.  This will make your spouse get in shape, dress better, and pay more attention to you.  Once your spouse finally confronts you with his or her suspicions, you admit you were planning a surprise party and had booked a hotel ballroom, flowers, and gifts for the occasion and had been meeting once a week to make plans with your spouse’s friends, all of whom will confirm your story.  Your spouse will fell guilty for being suspicious and allow you to buy a bigger TV.  If you’re not confronted right away because your spouse doesn’t pay you any attention, your spouse’s friends may tire of meeting to plan a surprise party after a few years of weekly meetings.

Posted in: Advice