Palin Runs Out of Reasons to Run

Posted on October 6, 2011


Former VP candidate, half-term Alaska governor, reality TV star, Fox News analyst, and frequent ‘You betcha!’ utterer, Sarah Palin announced she wasn’t running for President to a  room full of yawns.  The news came as no surprise to the reporters at The Good Greatsby who realized she never intended to run from the time this blog broke the story of her pretend pizza summit with another pretend candidate, Donald Trump.

In her statement, she cited commitments to her faith and family as reasons not to run, although polls showing two-thirds of Republicans didn’t want her as a candidate couldn’t have been far from her mind.  The Good Greatsby’s inside sources have revealed Palin decided not to run for a combination of reasons:

Palin grew weary of trying to hold in laughter whenever she complained about the ‘lamestream media’ while promoting her reality show and books through the lamestream media, and while working as a paid $1 million-a-year analyst for Fox News, the highest-rated cable news channel and part of News Corp, the world’s second-largest media company.

Roger Ailes.

When considering how to respond to a new anti-Palin book by author Joe McGinniss full of damning accusations from unnamed sources, Palin realized the best revenge would be to kill book sales by dropping out of sight.  Or to drop out of sight to make it easier to sneak up on and kill McGinniss.

She read an interview with her Fox News boss, Roger Ailes, wherein he admits he hired Palin because she was ‘hot‘, and after Palin saw a picture of Roger Ailes she got the permanent heebie-jeebies and was committed to bed rest.

Mama grizzlies threatened to sue Palin for referring to herself as a ‘Mama Grizzly’, leading to a spike in attacks on real mama grizzlies.  Fortunately for the grizzlies, these attacks came from Democrats–none of whom own guns–and the grizzlies have always managed to come out on top in these skirmishes.

After her TLC show, Sarah Palin’s Alaska, failed to attract enough viewers to win a second season, Palin decided to focus full-time on replacing Snooki on Jersey Shore.

After watching Obama’s popularity plummet over the last three years, she realized she had managed to be just as unpopular without having to do all that work of running the government and while making a lot more money.

Most importantly, she realized the ultimate revenge on the ‘lamestream media’, whom she felt had treated her unfairly, would be to disappear, forcing them to find another politician to provide daily hard-hitting pretend stories.