Former VP candidate, half-term Alaska governor, reality TV star, Fox News analyst, and frequent ‘You betcha!’ utterer, Sarah Palin announced she wasn’t running for President to a room full of yawns. The news came as no surprise to the reporters at The Good Greatsby who realized she never intended to run from the time this blog broke the story of her pretend pizza summit with another pretend candidate, Donald Trump.
In her statement, she cited commitments to her faith and family as reasons not to run, although polls showing two-thirds of Republicans didn’t want her as a candidate couldn’t have been far from her mind. The Good Greatsby’s inside sources have revealed Palin decided not to run for a combination of reasons:
Palin grew weary of trying to hold in laughter whenever she complained about the ‘lamestream media’ while promoting her reality show and books through the lamestream media, and while working as a paid $1 million-a-year analyst for Fox News, the highest-rated cable news channel and part of News Corp, the world’s second-largest media company.
Roger Ailes.
When considering how to respond to a new anti-Palin book by author Joe McGinniss full of damning accusations from unnamed sources, Palin realized the best revenge would be to kill book sales by dropping out of sight. Or to drop out of sight to make it easier to sneak up on and kill McGinniss.
She read an interview with her Fox News boss, Roger Ailes, wherein he admits he hired Palin because she was ‘hot‘, and after Palin saw a picture of Roger Ailes she got the permanent heebie-jeebies and was committed to bed rest.
Mama grizzlies threatened to sue Palin for referring to herself as a ‘Mama Grizzly’, leading to a spike in attacks on real mama grizzlies. Fortunately for the grizzlies, these attacks came from Democrats–none of whom own guns–and the grizzlies have always managed to come out on top in these skirmishes.
After her TLC show, Sarah Palin’s Alaska, failed to attract enough viewers to win a second season, Palin decided to focus full-time on replacing Snooki on Jersey Shore.
After watching Obama’s popularity plummet over the last three years, she realized she had managed to be just as unpopular without having to do all that work of running the government and while making a lot more money.
Most importantly, she realized the ultimate revenge on the ‘lamestream media’, whom she felt had treated her unfairly, would be to disappear, forcing them to find another politician to provide daily hard-hitting pretend stories.
The Good Greatsby 
gerknoop
October 6, 2011
I watched one episode of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” it was enough to convince me she could probably never be my friend. I don’t know what she was trying to prove with that show…..but it certainly didn’t make her more “presidential” ish…..what EVER that might be…..but it certainly didn’t make me want to VOTE for her!
The Good Greatsby
October 7, 2011
I never saw an episode but I heard Kate Gosselin from Kate+8 guest-starred and she and Palin became fast friends; that was all I needed to realize it wasn’t the show for me.
She's a Maineiac
October 7, 2011
What was interesting about the episode where Kate Plus 8 visited Alaska was, at first, I wasn’t quite sure which woman got under my skin the most. Believe it or not, Kate won.
gojulesgo
October 7, 2011
Oh my stars. How did I need see THAT train wreck?? Probably for the best. It might’ve been too much. Even for me.
Also, I don’t know why it’s taken until this post for me to start worrying about my love of wordplay.
limr
October 6, 2011
I’d like to see more women politicians at the national level, but about half a day after Palin emerged, I wished her gone. Any twinge I might have felt was gone when I realized she was enough of a lemming to wear open-toed booties – a term that should never have been uttered in a fair and just world – on a snowy day in Alaska just because they were fashionable. No, I don’t generally judge politicians based on their footwear, but her choice was such a telling sign sign that I could not ignore it. 😉
limr
October 6, 2011
Apparently, a sign sign is even more serious than just a sign.
Byron MacLymont
October 6, 2011
I find comfort knowing that, while she may be abandoning politics, we’ll always remember the millions and millions of dollars she bilked out of the people who believed in her.
The Good Greatsby
October 7, 2011
She certainly laughed all the way to the bank while she allowed a smaller and smaller minority to continue to defend her.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 6, 2011
I can’t top Bryon’s comment.
Glynis Sylvia
October 7, 2011
Thanks for trying.
ryoko861
October 6, 2011
Best thing she’s done and said yet. She finally got the hint.
The Good Greatsby
October 7, 2011
I hope she got the hint; I still worry she’s telling herself she got a bum deal and will make a comeback in 2016.
pegoleg
October 6, 2011
I think it was pretty mean-spirited of both Christie and Palin to hurry up and announce they were NOT presidential candidates just ahead of when I told them I was going to announce MY non-candidacy. They’re trying to suck all the air out of my room!
Kathryn McCullough
October 6, 2011
Gotta love the notion of her making her announcement to a “room full of yawns.” Now we can focus all of our attention on that crazy guy down in Texas! Yikes!
The Good Greatsby
October 7, 2011
It seems there will never be a shortage of candidates willing to fill the crazy vacuum.
MarkH
October 6, 2011
I waited in line for 2.5 hours at her book signing at a Costco in Salt Lake City. My plan was to very politely ask her to sign my book “I don’t like you either – Love Sarah” but security and the blinded-love of her super-fans was heavy and you don’t actually get the book you have in your hand. So instead, I shook her hand awkwardly and with bug-eyes while Tad gave me the stink eye. I felt so dirty. Anyone want a signed paint by numbers book?
The Good Greatsby
October 7, 2011
If you wait in line, will she only sign her book, or might she sign any book you hand her? Might be kind of funny to hand her that anti-Palin book.
Amy
October 7, 2011
So, does this mean we can finally stop talking about her so she’ll crawl back under whatever glacier she immerged from?
The Good Greatsby
October 7, 2011
I hope that’s the case, but it seems the media continued to report on her for the last year even though the overwhelming majority of Americans would never consider her a serious candidate.
Glynis Sylvia
October 7, 2011
America won’t stop taking about her for a long time. They claim Coulrophobia is on the rise, but we do love that one particular clown.
missfitz63
October 7, 2011
Oh, thank God! I’ve been waiting anxiously by my computer, waiting to hear more prose from Sarah Palin’s lips. I am disappointed she isn’t running – I was looking forward to her providing more fodder for the SNL writers.
Spectra
October 7, 2011
Her chances of winning the nomination are even less so in 2016, as her ‘hotness factor’ will have waned to a dribble by then. And let’s face it, that’s all she had going for her. For awhile. Oh, and Tina Fey. I always thought that Tina Fey did a better Palin than Palin.
Tina Fey for President!
The Good Greatsby
October 7, 2011
I just hope Palin gave consideration to Tina Fey’s career when she decided not to run. Who is Tina Fey going to impersonate now?
cooper
October 7, 2011
just remember, sarah palin is kim kardashian.
Laura
October 7, 2011
This is going to put The Undefeated completely out of the running for next year’s Best Documentary Oscar.
nancyfrancis
October 7, 2011
Great. Now maybe Tina Fey will give it some serious thought!
John Erickson
October 7, 2011
I am truly sorry to see her go for three VERY important reasons.
1) She will deprive Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert of TONS of material.
2) She will go back to Alaska and kill innocent bears and wolves.
3) She never came to my area of Ohio on her bus tour. I always wanted a bus like that to tour America, and there is an abundance of places where she could have “disappeared”, and I have plenty of trustworthy people to provide me an alibi. Not that I’d need one……..
Laura
October 7, 2011
Stewart and Colbert will be just fine — Michele Bachmann is still in the race.
The Good Greatsby
October 7, 2011
I do feel bad for all the wildlife that will killed if Palin has more time on her hands, but those bears and wolves have nobody to blame if they never got involved in the process and voted.
zmanowner
October 7, 2011
She brings nothing to the table. Sara Palin is a soccer mom who got elected Governer thats where it ends..after all research her beliefs about dinosaurs and where russia is….nuff said…zman sends
Thomas Stazyk
October 7, 2011
Somehow I have the feeling that the bad dream isn’t over yet.
thesinglecell
October 7, 2011
I saw one episode of “Alaska.” It was the one in which Kate Gosselin visited with her Plus 8. Actually there was no love lost when the two women parted ways, because Kate was a big whiny baby and somehow I wound up hating Sarah Palin less by comparison. Frankly, I never thought she’d run – she’s about money, not responsibility – and though she’s crazy, she’s not crazy enough to lose sight of the fact that quitting her job and being a loose cannon whose one advisers from ’08 have called her unstable would probably make her unelectable. But she’s like a game of Whack-A-Mole. She’ll keep popping up. You betcha.
judithhb
October 7, 2011
Farewell Sarah P – you won’t be missed.
pattisj
October 7, 2011
Now if the rest of the “politicians” would do the same, maybe we could get some people to LEAD our country…in a GOOD direction.
She's a Maineiac
October 7, 2011
Amen! I nominate: The Good Greatsby
Carl D'Agostino
October 7, 2011
Her and our gal Michelle are the dopiest broads in America. Sarah could not pass an 8th grade history test and Michelle thinks the world was created in 7 days and these two have thousands of followers?
Lenore Diane
October 8, 2011
Well dog gone’it. I don’t know what to say. Gosh darn it, I’m at a loss for words.
List of X
October 8, 2011
Oh no, I was looking forward to her running for the nomination! This would have been so much fun to watch! Of course, Michelle and Rick and Herman, and some of the other loonies are trying hard to entertain, but Sarah was the one who defined the genre. And just imagine what would she do if she did become president! If you are having trouble imagining, just check out this: http://listofx.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/10-things-sarah-palin-would-have-done-if-she-did-become-president/