Dear Good Greatsby: Does My Pet Dove Poop on My Computer Because She Hates My Writing?

Today’s question comes from Spectra of spectrumwoman.com, who wonders whether her pet dove is expressing distaste for her writing by pooping on her computer.  Because the question regards pets, my cat, Megatron, has volunteered to be a guest panelist.  When I say she volunteered, I mean I’ll chase her back and forth across my keyboard.

Dear Good Greatsby,

I  have a dove who makes turds on my computer as I type. Is Lovey perhaps making a statement about the quality of my writing and/or it’s content? Know any “Dove Whisperers” who could help me out with this problem? How do I get my Dove to stop mocking my work? Does she not realize the injury she causes to my self-esteem? And why do they call them “Laughing Doves” if she only laughs after turding up my keyboard, never at my jokes? It’s always ‘crickets’ when I try to amuse her. Is she in any position to judge me? Should I maybe get a dog as a pet? Maybe a bird-dog?

Spectra

Dear Spectra,

Paul: Our choice of pet can say a lot about us, especially if we choose a talking pet.  The dove is a universal symbol of peace, and the choice of a dove as a pet usually means the owner loves peace, but the choice of a laughing dove means the owner laughs at peace.  Fortunately for you, your enemies probably don’t know the difference between a peace dove and a laughing dove and when they visit your house they’ll assume you love peace and leave their crossbows and catapults in the car.

Hopefully, your enemies are unaware that the dove and pigeon both belong to the same bird family and the names can be used interchangeably.  If your enemies do possess this information, they might remember the dove may be a symbol of peace, but the pigeon is a symbol of war since war pigeons were used for centuries to exchange warfare strategies as well as recipes for pigeon.  Not only did the pigeons willfully participate in war, but they duplicitously served on both sides, possibly conspiring with enemy pigeons to prolong wars by losing any messages suggesting peace because they feared losing their jobs at a time of increasing pigeon unemployment, a fear that proved well-founded as our once proud war pigeon veterans now gather around train stations and parks begging for handouts.

In fact, some pigeons love war so much that thirty-two won the Dickin Medal, an award created to honor war animals as well as to taunt children whose fathers didn’t earn any medals.  (But kids, don’t be too jealous because those medals were much too heavy for those slight bird frames, the pigeons were unable to take flight, and all thirty-two had been eaten by cats within a day of the award ceremony.)

The Dickin Medal. War pigeons would prefer a ribbon over a medal.

Your concerns about Lovey mocking your writing because she leaves turds on your computer is unfounded and her behavior is actually a reflection of how doves and pigeons hate all technology that increases the efficiency of communication and puts carrier pigeons out of a work.  Place a cell phone, fax machine, or telegraph in another room when you write, and I’m sure Lovey will choose to distribute her turds evenly among all communication methods.

One question about your statement: It’s always ‘crickets’ when I try to amuse her.  Do you mean your jokes are met with silence and figurative ‘crickets’ or do you mean you play with crickets in an effort to amuse her?  If you are in fact playing with crickets in an effort to be funny, possibly by training them to perform a vaudeville song and dance number, you should understand doves eat crickets and she’ll have a difficult time finding humor in you playing with something she wants to kill.

Megatron: nnnnnxd,k

Paul: I swear Megatron actually wrote that by walking across my keyboard.  I don’t understand what it means, but my expectations of something profound aren’t unreasonable since my cat is a genius.

Read more about Spectra’s pet dove, Lovey: My Dove is Tuffer than Your Dove

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