Read aloud in an ominous voice:
The time-wasting robot invasion is at hand.
First we were told robots would be our servants and make modern living easier, allowing humans more free time for recreation and family.
And how did we spend this free time? I spent it watching TV and movies about people recreating and spending time with their families.
But some nerds spent their free time in the basement building more robots who weren’t content to sweep and clean and suffer my verbal abuse, but they wanted our assembly line jobs as well.
Increasingly humans found themselves competing for the same jobs, requiring them to work longer and longer hours in order to maintain the same standard of living. What happened to the precious free time we were promised by the robot revolutionaries? That time now belongs to the robots because nerds are building robots that can waste time even more efficiently than humans.
When did you last have time to solve a Rubik’s Cube? Well, this robot has free time to solve a Rubik’s Cube every 12 seconds.
I watched the YouTube clip and the robot did not remove the stickers.
When did you last have time to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at a professional baseball game? Well, this robot had free time to do it last week.
Hey ump, check his circuit board for sandpaper and Vaseline!
There are chess robots, dancing robots, Tetris-playing robots, and that Watson robot who beat all the best Jeopardy nerds. Turnabout is fair play, nerds!
But the robots won’t be content with our puzzles and game shows. Soon they’ll be gazing at our sunsets more meaningfully, starting and not finishing DIY projects with more frequency, and commenting on the change in weather with more banality. The time of the human time-waster has passed.
To test my theory I’ve created a TV-watching robot to catch up on all the TV I haven’t had time to watch. I call him the Philo T-2000:
Disclaimer: My wife says this is not a real robot.
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: My wife is not an engineer and is not qualified to classify what is and what is not a robot.
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Disclaimer: My wife is not an engineer, but is in fact a librarian, and she brought home books about robots filled with words I didn’t understand like arduino board, flyback diode, and science. I searched the glossary but found none of my robot’s parts like thermometer, tape, glue, or bucket.
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Disclaimer: My wife is not as supportive as I would like.
After four years, I’ve yet to see an episode of Mad Men, despite everyone’s recommendation. The Philo T-2000 made short work of all four seasons in less than two days. It won’t be long before television networks create a mass army of robotic TV watchers who can commit to 24 hours a day of programming without the distractions of hunger, bathroom breaks, or guilt. I repeat, the time of the human time-waster has passed.
An earlier, evil prototype: Philo T-1000.
Am I placing too much blame on robots? It’s hard to say for sure, but we’ll know in a few years when someone builds a robot that blames robots more effectively than humans blame robots.
What time-wasting tasks would Philo T-2000 do at your home?
The Good Greatsby 
carldagostino
April 26, 2011
I immediately noted the 4 brown bottles on the blue chair. Is this Robot fuel? Or Greatsby fuel? If you have been drinking this stuff…. Well, I must not judge because only you can admit you have a problem.
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
I don’t know how he got those bottles or how he got them open. He’s been programmed to not leave his station.
gojulesgo
April 26, 2011
Agreed, the beer bottles on the child’s chair are a problem…but only because the robot drank your beer. Hilarious post!
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
What worries me about the beer consumption is the robot was not designed to go to the bathroom. Eventually he’s going to get uncomfortable, and I’m not sure what he’ll do.
Spectra
April 26, 2011
I guess he could write my posts for me. Blogging wastes a good deal of my time, and produces nothing but satisfaction at the end of the day.
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
Seems like a philosophical dilemma. I didn’t program the Philo-T2 to receive any utility from wasting time, so I’m not sure if he can match your level of satisfaction in blogging.
ryoko861
April 26, 2011
Are you sure you didn’t stick your kid underneath all that? Kids will do ANYTHING to watch tv!
If I had Phio-T 2000 I would make him deal with all the ass hole neighbors and my in ground pool(you need to catch up on that post).
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
I considered putting a foil helmet on my kid’s head and calling it a robot, but my wife had issues with that robot design as well.
ajg
April 26, 2011
Well done. This has been one of my favorite posts, and I laughed out loud in many spots. Many readers might be thinking, “But I laugh aloud at all of Greatsby’s posts!” Yes, I can understand that. However, I am used to Greatsby, and while he remains quite witty, well-spoken, and “illegally good-looking” to quote an onlooker on one of our recent nights out (she referred to me as, “No, not chopped liver exactly… more like chipped beef,” which I accepted happily)… wait, what was I talking about? Ah yes, Greatsby. He’s so dreamy!
Moments of comedic gold (in case readers want to just skip to those parts):
1. the caption of the photo with the Rubik’s Cube – “Ha! Stickers!” I said. But then I thought that a robot could have invented the Rubik’s Cube. Does Rubik sound like name of any humans you know? I think not.
2. the robot. duh. but within the homemade robot are acute moments of LOL.
2a. the robot likes ANDERSON COOPER! I purposely drank a mouthful of beer and spit it
out after reading this.
2b. the subtle placement of four bottles of beer next to the robot. and not just any bottles.
HOMEBREW bottles. yes, this robot drinks homebrew. and yes ladies, Greatsby brews his
own.
3. the image of a robot gazing meaningfully at a sunset than a human.
I can’t believe you write one of these things a day. ONE OF THESE A DAY, PEOPLE!
Are you on drugs? If not, I suggest you try some. Really crank out the posts then!
ajg
April 26, 2011
excuse the formatting of above. i should have used HTML instead of a spacebar.
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
I’m flattered and humbled by your praise, but I’ll take it with a grain of salt because I know you like anything that has robots in it. Remember when I got you to finish War and Peace by telling you Nikolai was killed by a robot? And remember when you were considering moving to Canada, but you stayed in the US after I told you the Constitution was written by robots?
ajg
April 26, 2011
And… when you convinced me adopt that baby from Vietnam that was really a orphaned robot?? (lip quivering)
Renee Davies
April 26, 2011
2a. Hahaha!
Laura
April 26, 2011
Yeah, the frequency of Greatsby posts gets to me too. My theory: he’s not actually writing these every day; instead, he spent 5-10 years writing posts and is now releasing a previously written one each day. Ever notice how we never see a photo of today’s post next to today’s newspaper? Actually, a picture like that wouldn’t prove anything, but I still think it’s pretty suspicious that we never see one.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
All my life I’ve dreamed of being the subject of conspiracy theories, and my dream is finally coming true.
officeoddities
April 26, 2011
Is making the robot wear those pants your revenge ?
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
Those are my swim trunks! How dare you!
officeoddities
April 26, 2011
Umm uhh I meant aren’t they too nice to give to a robot? Like a reminder there’s a world of sun and swimming outside while it’s stuck inside watching TV ?
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
He’ll have to give them back come summer.
Surrey gal
April 26, 2011
This robot could spend time with my kids. Playing with your own children is such a waste of time! When the robot is playing with the brats I could think about something to do.
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
As long as the robot can pitch a ball back and forth, he can already do half my job.
thelifeofjamie
April 26, 2011
I still want my Rosie from the Jetsons…
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
Rosie’s not content to sweep and clean anymore. Now she wants to put her feet up on the couch, and she can do it better and longer than you can.
savesprinkles1234
April 26, 2011
I both have laughed at, and fear, Philo T-2000. Maybe it’s the uncanny valley thing. I’m hiding my prescription medicine (an old SNL warning) and my dvds of Mad Men. Please keep him locked up.
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
He’s seen Mad Men already. It’s the other DVD boxed sets you should worry about.
Gemma Sidney
April 26, 2011
I’m afraid that for me, you left the most important information out of this post. Here is a list of my most pressing questions:
1. Did Philo T-2000 enjoy Mad Men?
2. Did you enjoy Mad Men via Philo T-2000?
3. Did Philo T 2000 light up and start whirring when he saw Christina Hendrick’s curves?
4. What will Philo T-2000 be watching next?
At my house, I would have a robot play online poker all day for a tidy side income, inbetween keeping an eye on Facebook for pointless status updates, new friend possibilities and events I could invite myself along to.
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
1. He smiled the whole time, but so far has not commented.
2. I didn’t get the satisfaction I was hoping for. I worry I may have to actually watch Mad Men myself.
3. He didn’t whirr in response to her curves. I think he’s less about the curves and more about the right angles.
4. He’s watching the news right now. I’m taking suggestions for the next TV series.
Gemma Sidney
April 26, 2011
May I hazard a suggestion for Philo T-2000’s next TV project? True Blood. Make him watch all the boring episodes and get him to alert you when it gets interesting. Cos when it does, at the end of the first season and about mid-way through the second, there are some unforgettable TV moments to be had.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
Indeed, you may hazard a suggestion. I’ll consider True Blood because I haven’t seen that either, and I wonder how he’ll interpret vampires at the time he’s still making up his mind about mankind. Might be fun to confuse him.
marryin'thelibrarian
April 26, 2011
Psst! Loyal readers–are you thinking what I’m thinking? Greatsby is a robot himself, designed to waste our time with his terrifically witty posts and handsome antics? Wouldn’t it be just like Greatsby to try and throw us off his robo scent by posting this robot tirade? I’ll be the first to admit this probably isn’t the best forum to discuss his electronic tendencies, but if you’ve got ideas for either a) how to run down his battery or b) reprogram him to wash dishes, let me know.
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
Beep-beep. Ribby-ribby.
sportsjim81
April 26, 2011
I was thinking about your comment regarding the robot getting uncomfortable after drinking all the beer. Eventually someone will build a robot that is able to “hold it” more effectively than humans and bars will be taken over by these robots who never have to “break the seal”. Damn you robot binge drinkers!
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
The news just gets worse and worse. I’ve started mankind down a slippery slope.
Redneckprincess
April 26, 2011
Well I don’t want one if he is gonna drink my booze…that’s just unacceptable.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I didn’t program him to have any class. Actually, I didn’t program him at all.
Tori Nelson
April 26, 2011
I’m with redneckprincess. Unless my robot can waste time selling things on eBay, I can’t afford to share my case of Pabst with him 😦
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
If you’re drinking Pabst, I’ll turn off the hipster setting and he should leave your case alone.
cooper
April 26, 2011
i’m not sure if that last picture is a robot or a small child wearing a uniform designed for little league ice hockey…
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
Could it be a robot wearing a little league ice hockey uniform?
Invisible Mikey
April 26, 2011
I want a blog-bot to write about celebrities or food. I’ll name him Fresh LE-PRST.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I’d be interested in securing the services of your blog-bot. You come up with the design and be in charge of financing, and I’ll be in charge of using Fresh LE-PRST to write my posts.
Renee Davies
April 26, 2011
I have nothing against robots, but Philo has a pail for a head.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
How dare you! You say you have nothing against robots, but don’t you know robots come in all shapes and sizes? Some have pail heads and some have bucket heads. Can’t we all just get along?
Lori
April 26, 2011
I only have a short list of time wasting tasks for Philo:
Conduct morning ritual…iron shirt, locate hubby’s wallet, phone & keys that are always in the most peculiar locations
Conduct post workday decompression conversation with husband (don’t worry, it is the same conversation every day…after the first couple of days it is not required that he pay attention closely)
Keep up with all political/current events via news that I simply have no interest in…just tell me what I need to know so that I don’t get embarrassed at cocktail parties
Oh, and please scrub those toilets…
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
The Philo T-2000 doesn’t scrub toilets, but he is really good at sitting and listening to every detail of your crappy day.
Lori
April 27, 2011
Perfect!!!!! Is he also good at hearing people talk about how much smarter they are than everybody else? If so, he’s hired; but he’ll have to accept an unpaid internship!
Laura
April 26, 2011
I bought a Roomba to vacuum my floors for me, but it hasn’t saved me any time, because whenever I run it, I find myself staring, transfixed, at the patterns it traces out on my floor. So I guess I need a Roomba-watching robot (which could probably be a similar design to your TV-watching robot). And if I ever get a front-loading washing machine, I’ll probably need a robot to watch that as well.
Do you have a vegetable garden? You could get your robot to water it with the beer it’s been drinking. Then your veggies would turn out extra-special.
madtante
April 26, 2011
I’m just hoping that you indeed built these robots, thereby wasting time. That would be awesome, Sir.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I did indeed build these robots. You probably assume these were done by a professional, but I assure you I glued and taped them myself.
madtante
April 27, 2011
Your wife is so lucky! (tell her that, I’ll look forward to the story of her clobbering you with a skillet)
Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom)
April 27, 2011
You’re married to a librarian? Here’s one of my favourite quotations: “For a well rounded education, you could try curling up with some good books, and bad librarians” -Richard Needham.
Beats curling up with a robot, I’m sure.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I’ll forward that quote to my wife since she’d have to take an interest in my blog to be able to read it for herself.
bridgesburning
April 27, 2011
Hmm marryin’the librarian got me thinking…surely no human can be this hilarious! Truth now..is it blood or oil in those veins? We may have to CSI you!
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I’m flattered. All my life I hoped someone would think I was talented enough at something to raise suspicions I was really a robot.
spilledinkguy
April 27, 2011
Perhaps Philo T-2000 can be programed to be emotionally supportive.
It seems like that could get weird, though.
🙂
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
He’s good at listening. Sometimes that’s all the emotional support you need.
justjotter
April 27, 2011
A CNN watching robot? Sounds like me. hehe. Oh and if you think that time-wasting robots are evil, I beg you to be extremely wary of ninja office furniture. You have been warned.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
For some reason the robot likes Anderson Cooper.
writerwoman61
April 27, 2011
I hated Watson! He beat my sweet Ken (I’m happy Watson put that pompous Brad in his place though)!
I haven’t seen Mad Men either…
Maybe you and Philo T-2000 could star in your own reality TV show: “Good Greatsby and the Gizmo.”
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
Programming nerds created a robot that put trivia nerds out of a job. I suggest the trivia nerds create a programming nerd robot that will put human programmers out of business.
omawarisan
April 27, 2011
I will buy one of your robots. This will benefit us both.
First, you win because you can tell your wife that I would not buy a robot that was not a robot so your robot is a robot.
I also win because I can have the robot watch all the political shows with my wife while I slip away and drink three bottles of that robot fuel.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I would love to have someone purchase my robot to validate my invention. I actually invented a second robot to buy the first robot, but my wife says that doesn’t count.
Rob
April 27, 2011
In my house he could -:
-Press refresh on email and facebook for me in case someone wrote something nice to me.
-Shout at news stories about people who think that they are being treated unfairly by authorities, when reading between the lines they are courting publicity or are deserving of everything they get. When they cant actually hear you.
-Get up at 4am to watch sport in my home nation in a desperate, but ultimately disappointing, quest for the thrill of victory by my favorite team.
-Go back to the door 3 or 4 times after I leave the house to check I locked it, or go back downstairs shortly after I have begun to fall asleep to check if the doors and car are locked.
– Serve freshly cooked vegetables to my two year old so he can say ‘No Thank you robot’ and ‘Dont Like It’.
Amongst other key fruitless time devouring activities.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I read your list to my robot, and the watching sports on TV was the only activity he would commit to for sure. He’s actually a fan of Everton and was planning to watch those games anyway.
Sandi Ormsby
April 27, 2011
I’d like a useful one that creates meals for us and washes dishes/cleans…like “rosie” on Jetsons? Is that her name?
In fact, I have a robot responding for me right now. I’m dictating to him while I multi-task another project! (how cool would that be?)
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I’m not sure Rosie will be content to wash dishes. Soon she’ll be watching TV and surfing the Internet, and managing to do it for longer periods of time than you can.
Lenore Diane
April 27, 2011
I wondered if I was wasting time reading about your time-wasting robots; then I re-read your title and realized I was, in fact, wasting time. It’s the robot’s fault.
I like Philo-T 1000. I notice his is wearing a respirator-type of mask, yes? Yet Philo-T 2000 was downgraded to a smile. I take it the change came on the heals of the gov’t changing it’s code system for terror? Who knows. What I do know is – you can just peel and replace two stickers. It messes up everything.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I started with the respirator mask, but somehow that made the robot evil and all he wanted to was destroy mankind, no matter how much TV I fed him.
Lenore Diane
April 27, 2011
Hahahahahahahaha! I love it!
Ahmnodt Heare
April 27, 2011
Until robots perform useful functions like help me pass a drug test, I don’t have much use for them.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
I have a robot that can consume beer, but he can’t produce a urine sample yet. I’ll keep working on it.
pegoleg
April 27, 2011
While most Earthlings were distracted by the Time-Wasting Robot phenomenon, shaggy green baseball-playing aliens were quietly taking over the world.
berettaluvz26
April 27, 2011
I wish I had a job that required me to sit a cubicle, surrounded by other people as I read this aloud ominously. Hehehe…
I’d have to have a multi-tasking robot. It would have to surf the internet for me while playing video games.
Binky
April 27, 2011
Is that your kid in there? I hope not. Although it might be an effective way to recycle some of your less desirable offspring.
thelamest(dot)com
April 27, 2011
Just keep the TV robots away from re-runs of the Nanny or Rosanne. That shit will short circuit them and cause the eventual demise of the human race
Lenore Diane
April 27, 2011
I must share this with you. The robot voices in my head said so.
The Good Greatsby
April 27, 2011
Your robot voices are so wise. Make sure and do everything they say no matter how crazy it may sound.
K.
April 28, 2011
I’m afraid I have to side with your wife on this one.
That is not so much a robot as a bucket and a pair of swim trunks. And in the time it took you to assemble it, photograph it, and blog about it, you could have watched an episode of Mad Men.
QED: robots will undoubtedly surpass humans in many fields of endeavor, but not, it seems, in wasting time.
The Good Greatsby
April 28, 2011
How did my wife manage to hack into your account and publish this comment?
shreejacob
April 28, 2011
hehe! I want to say “Read all the books that I’ve bought and have yet to read”…but that would be too horrible a scene, so I’m thinking that he could just go to work for me and waste time there, while I become productive and get lost in a new book! 😉
Jeane
April 28, 2011
Awesome site! See…robots aren’t any better than us, give them a bit of free time and they too will become beer swilling, channel surfing couch potatoes! Maybe on the next one you should add a belly bulge!
nursemyra
April 28, 2011
I just want a robot who can yell “Danger Will Robinson danger” and will eat all the chocolate in the house so I get to keep my girlish figure.