The Center for Disease Control has issued a denial of any zombie apocalypse in the wake of multiple bizarre zombie-like attacks last week.
The CDC says there’s no zombie apocalypse, but isn’t that what you’d expect them to say if there was a zombie apocalypse? The denial of a zombie apocalypse is therefore inversely the greatest evidence for a zombie apocalypse. I guess maybe not the greatest evidence since the sight of a charging zombie horde would obviously be more convincing than a denial from the CDC, but I think you catch my drift.
Here’s my question for the CDC: If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why do I keep knocking down my neighbor’s door and inviting myself to dinner, even after numerous police warnings?
If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why do I feel so disappointed that so many people I know lack any brains?
If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why are slideshows so popular on the Internet? I have to believe it’s not real humans clicking on the addictive, manipulative, sensational, completely useless, substance-lacking, time-killing, brain-numbing, junk food of the Internet that have completely skewed all click-metrics so the most banal websites appear to be the most popular and are the only ones making money. Only zombies could be trained to click repetitively day-after-day without feeling any shame.
If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why would my best friend Todd ask me to return all the tools I’ve borrowed over the years if he didn’t need them for barricading his doors and windows?
If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why do people keep overreacting when my kids try to bite them?
To be honest, I don’t think a zombie apocalypse is likely, but we should be prepared for any emergency, and just like the bars I put over my kids’ windows because of the remote possibility of air sharks, we’ve also discussed an emergency plan in case of a zombie invasion. Seriously. We really have talked about this.
As soon as we hear the first thump and the moaning for ‘brains’, Optimist Prime is in charge of pushing the shoe rack against the front door. Mrs. Greatsby and I are in charge of pushing the couch against the front windows. The Fonz is in charge of betraying us and saving himself at our expense.
We also have a back-up plan in case fending off the zombies doesn’t work and we find ourselves part of the undead horde. Over the years whenever I visited friends’ homes I took inventory of entrances, exits, possible weapons that could be used against us, and head size. Just because we’re zombies doesn’t mean my job providing for my children is over.
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If the post-apocalyptic future is weighing heavily on your mind, you might find useful information in my post: Now Hiring Post-apocalyptic Workforce–Apply Today!
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Congratulations to the caption contest finalists. Don’t be the only kid in school who forgets to vote in the caption contest at least once a day.
The Good Greatsby 
bigsheepcommunications
June 5, 2012
I think there will be a natural die off of zombies due to increasing numbers of brainless people. Less food, fewer zombies. I expect the die off will begin in Washington DC and Hollywood and spread from there.
pegoleg
June 5, 2012
Nailed it, Lisa!
bigsheepcommunications
June 5, 2012
Thanks, Peg! (although zombie die-off seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?)
pegoleg
June 5, 2012
Maybe. Do zombies eat one another, or do they only like fresh meat?
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2012
It’s sad that people never take into effect how selfishly allowing their brains to wither and die will hurt the zombies.
bigsheepcommunications
June 7, 2012
Hey, it’s survival of the un-deadest. Very Darwinian.
philosophermouseofthehedge
June 9, 2012
definitely true…with luck it the die off will begin soon..even with the CDC suggestion…they forgot few can read and follow directions….
Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants
June 5, 2012
Awww man…. Now I’m going to have bad dreams about Air Sharks!
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2012
Let’s just hope they stay in your dreams.
Spectra
June 5, 2012
“If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why do I feel so disappointed that so many people I know lack any brains?”
Clear evidence that the Zombie Apocalypse has already begun in the Johnson home. Now your post on how to impress visitors will have to be amended with one on how to lure people with brains to your home. Also, I am somehow pleased that the Fonz has an ‘every man for himself’ additude on this. He’ll ride that Air Shark right outa there!
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2012
He’s not the hero type and somehow that’s a relief because I’m confident at least one of my kids will always survive.
The Hipster
June 5, 2012
Great, Air sharks. Just when I was over the whole zombie thing, something new to worry about. Thank you very much.
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2012
If you need help, I have a list of other things you could start worrying about.
Go Jules Go
June 5, 2012
My tactic is to click on the slideshows until my brain is mush and hope zombies don’t like brain Slurpees.
She's a Maineiac
June 6, 2012
I am totally safe. Don’t even have to click on slideshows.
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2012
A smart plan like that really puts in perspective how much you’re going to miss your brain.
mistyslaws
June 5, 2012
The zombie apocalypse has already begun. The CDC is just trying to keep it under wraps. This is Area 51 all over again. Either that or the CDC are the actual zombies and they are trying to mislead us with false press. Nice try, CDC. We aren’t falling for the ole “this isn’t a zombie apocalypse, now where do you keep your fresh brains?” scheme. Oldest trick in the book!
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2012
If that’s true, I owe the zombies kudos for executing such a complicated plan without the benefit of brains.
pegoleg
June 5, 2012
This is pretty, damn funny. But the funniest part is that you provided a link to a real news item. Where the CDC actually issued a press release denying the zombie apocolypse. For actual realz! As in, not kidding!
I’m so glad my hard-earned tax dollars are being used for important work like this. I hope next up are free condoms for the zombie population – education is our best defense.
Spectra
June 5, 2012
-those zombie condoms work best if they’re GIANT condoms, and you wrap the whole zombie up in one of of ’em. Prevents post-apocalyptic ZTD’s (zombie transmitted deaths)
pegoleg
June 7, 2012
(snigger, snigger, snort!)
Luda
June 6, 2012
If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why do I keep drinking whiskey in preparation for the zombie apocalypse?
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2012
I have the same problem. I’ll add that to my list of evidence.
Carl D'Agostino
June 6, 2012
No zombies ? What about the 535 + 1 in DC ?
joehoover
June 6, 2012
This better not coincide with my holiday. Last time they said it would be sunny but it rained. Needless to say I’m now sceptical of these so called experts. How do I pack for a zombie apocolypse?
Laura
June 6, 2012
Your zombie contingency plans seem really well thought out. Do you have monthly zombie drills where you rearrange your furniture and then shuffle around your neighborhood eating your neighbors’ brains?
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2012
We’ve only done the drill once. We probably should do it more frequently but we’ve been too busy coming up with an emergency plan for air sharks.
Ape No. 1
June 6, 2012
This reminded me of a childhood book I loved as a kid and had forgotten about until now. It was called “The Shark in Charlie’s Window” and was about a flying shark. Highly recommend it for OP and the Fonz.
thesinglecell
June 7, 2012
The CDC’s tactic is reminiscent of the Bill Clinton “I did not. Have. Secshul. Relations. With that woman” tactic. Deny, deny, deny. But the truth always comes back to.. um… bite you. (Well that couldn’t be avoided.)
yellowcat
June 7, 2012
Air sharks. Great. One more thing to worry about.
Rob Shepherd
June 7, 2012
This is why I feel strongly that Zombieland should be viewed by every human being over the age of 13. That documentary figured it out and gives us steps to survive. Why don’t people take this more serious?
writerdood
June 7, 2012
I’ve been gearing up by playing Dead Island. The game sucks, but it makes one thing very clear, it’s not as easy to kill zombie’s as you might think. Particularly when you’re only armed with a broom stick, and they hit you in a group.
spilledinkguy
June 8, 2012
I probably overestimate my chances against the average Zombie.
Because they always seem so slow… lumbering about and such.
I feel like I could probably outrun most of them.
Maybe.
Dana
June 8, 2012
I’m happy to hear that being undead won’t lessen your sense of responsibility as a parent. Did you and Mrs. Greatsby also amend your wedding vows to read “’til un-death do us part”? Wait, does that mean you’ll NEVER part? Ever??
jefflisakbooks
June 8, 2012
Hey, I’d guess you’ve gotten this already (or a million like it) – but I nominated you for an award on my blog this evening. I get a kick out of all your articles and try to model some of my own after them. If you get the chance…http://jefflisakbooks.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/finally-gettin-some-props/
versipellusfenris
June 16, 2012
Air sharks are way more terrifying than my childhood fear of toilet sharks (and toilet sea snakes).
Nidhi Shrivastava
June 18, 2012
Air sharks!! I am scared now..