For those of you who said you had zero interest in the Royal Wedding, this is what you missed:
Those who missed the wedding coverage in favor of your local bar’s giant hat drinking game will be sorely disappointed by the irony.
Millions spent on the wedding of the decade, the whole world watching, and all anybody will remember is Princess Beatrice’s hat. I even alluded to the probability of giant hats in my post How to Make Rich Celebrity Friends at William and Kate’s Wedding by writing how your ability to successfully win attention at the celebration would ensure your invitation to all the best giant hat parties. (If you weren’t aware giant hat parties are all the rage then you’re hanging out with the wrong social circle, and those friends will get you nowhere.)
I assume Beatrice selected the hat with some help from her mother, Fergie, who was not invited to the wedding–probably because she always finds a way to be the center of attention–and surprise, surprise, somehow her daughter managed to grab the headlines. Don’t take PR advice from your mother, Princess Beatrice, unless you want to find yourself without an invite to the Queen’s Summer Giant Hatapalooza 2011.
Her sister Eugenie can really hang a hat as well.
Those who wear these hats would correct me and say they are not hats, but rather fascinators, and claim they are supposed to be frivolous, and I say here-here–it’s about time hats or fascinators or frivolity made a comeback. I also appreciate the possibilities of adding fascinator to the male venacular of double-meaning words to describe women:
“Check out the fascinator on that bird.”
“Hey, show some respect! That’s the Queen you’re talking about!”
I actually like her fascinator and say three cheers for Princess Beatrice. Allow me to raise my glass in a toast and say, I am indeed fascinated as I gaze at your fascinator, and my mind begins to drift…
1. BEATRICE TO HAT SHOP ATTENDANT: Do you have any hats that will subconsciously alert men to my fertility, maybe by reminding them of their gym class diagram of the female reproductive organs?
2. BEATRICE TO EUGENIE: Don’t worry, Eugenie, we won’t miss watching Eastenders because I brought a little TV in my purse.
EUGENIE TO BEATRICE: But Beatrice, where did you hide the antenna?
3. BEATRICE TO HER ANIMAL RIGHTS GROUP: Shooting deer is wrong, and I want Grandpa Prince Philip to be reminded of my face every time he shoots one.
4. BEATRICE TO DESIGNER: Can you design something that allows me to send a subtle message that I disapprove of the marriage, but in the politest way possible?
DESIGNER: How about a toilet seat, but with a fancy ribbon around it?
5. EUGENIE TO BEATRICE: I wish I had your moxie, Beatrice, but I keep thinking of Cosmopolitan’s warning about wearing Top Ramen before Labor Day.
6. BEATRICE TO HARRY: All I ever hear about is Prince William and his charity work! When are people going to start talking about my charity work raising awareness of zombie ants and that fungus that grows out of their heads?
7. BEATRICE TO A MONOCLE CLAD ARISTOCRAT: Any aristocrat can wear a monocle on his eye, but only a princess can wear one on her head.
8. BEATRICE TO HER DIARY: I heard Kate’s been dieting to fit into her dress and has been craving carbs for weeks. Wouldn’t it be fun to tease her by wearing a giant pretzel?
9. FERGIE TO BEATRICE: Do you remember which James Bond film Grandmum said embarrassed England the most? Octopussy.
10. BEATRICE TO KATE IN THE RECEPTION LINE: Congratulations! I’m afraid I’ve misplaced your gift, and it was the loveliest picture frame you’ve ever seen.
I plan to write exclusively about Princess Beatrice’s fascinator from now on. I expect interest in her hat to trend up, up, up; this is a gravy train that will never end.
And if any readers know where I can find that fascinator, please send me the info, not for me, but for a friend of mine…with my exact same head size.
The Good Greatsby 
carldagostino
May 4, 2011
We thank Lady B for confirming that the absolutely absurd is more absurd than the ridiculous, frivolous pomposity that already exists in British culture.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
I like the fascinators. I think the US could use a few more frivolous hats
averageinsuburbia
May 4, 2011
Edward is adjusting the antenna.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
They’re trying to get coverage of the wedding to see how their hats looked.
ajg
May 4, 2011
The first thing I thought of when I saw that hat was a female anatomy diagram. If people don’t understand how this is supposed to look like the female anatomy, I never understood that about those diagrams either.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
The diagrams were designed to ensure we’d have no interest in females for as long as possible.
officeoddities
May 4, 2011
Oh how I’ve waited for the day “fascinators” made a comeback! Finally I can start wearing my turkey shaped hat again. It really does go with everything!
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
So many people say you can only wear a turkey fascinator at Thanksgiving, but you should prove them wrong.
reelingintheyears.wordpress.com
May 4, 2011
The London miliners are making an absolute fortune and laughing their heads all the way to the bank. When I went to the Henley regatta eons ago, my upper crusty London landlord told me, “You simply have to wear a hat.” I went and purchased a simple straw hat, a bit Huck Finnish, but at least it was somewhat understated.
Rupert Everett said that Eugenie looked like a flight attendant for Smurf Airlines…:(
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
I’m kind of happy that an archaic sounding profession like milliner could make a comeback. Chimney sweep is next.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 4, 2011
A friend of a friend who lives in MA has been making fascinators for at least a year. Her business was already going through the roof. Now, after the wedding, she’s buying a yacht.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
I’ve yet to see an American girl wear one, but it can’t be far off. As soon as you see an American celebrity wear a fascinator you can expect the business to really take off.
misswhiplash
May 4, 2011
As a British person, now living in another country because I can no longer put up with all the crap that my homeland insists on spewing out. Beatrice and Eugene are typical examples of too much money and too little sense, especially dress sense.
I feel absolutely ashamed at what they wore to the Wedding.
They certainly do take after their Mother but I am also surprised that their Father let them walk out of the , looking like a couple of Invaders from Outer Space
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
If the fascinator is an example of the “crap Britain spews out”, I can’t imagine why you would leave.
bridgesburning
May 4, 2011
You were right when you said fascinators are supposed to be ‘frivolous’. The horror of the RW was people checked in their brains when they jumped on that train.). To the point they will have to rename the original to preserve dignity.
There was nothing light and frivolous about most of them and Bea took the cake or the booby prize or the razzie for worst headed. Royalty should still have beheading …for hats. Victoria Beckham needs a hat beheading also. Hers was so severe it made her look militaristic and cold and plastic. Oh wait, that does suit her personality.
I guess sadly all that hideous head wear does match the personalities of those, so encumbered. And I love hats!
The RW was lovely..the hat freak show..not so much!
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I heard the Queen required all the women to wear hats, so she can’t be annoyed if the hats grabbed all the attention. I would love to have a party where all the women were required to wear awesomely bad hats.
accidentalstepmom
May 4, 2011
Here I was thinking that a fascinator had to have feathers. I own one, but if it ran into Beatrice’s in a dark alley it would totally surrender, and it’s not even French. Hers is terrifying. I wore mine to a schmancy event once, getting the comment from the woman who found her seat by mine, “Oh, I get to sit next to you. . . and your . . . thing.” To which I replied, “It’s a fascinator.” The very best part of the wedding for me was trying to explain these hats to the kids.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
A hearty pip-pip to you for having the moxie to wear a fascinator. I’m sure your fascinator was fascinating.
lexy3587
May 4, 2011
I love that her sister is looking at her hat like she’s never seen it before and thinks its ridiculous… or that it might attack at any moment.
Eugenie – Beatrice, why didn’t you wear a hat today? it is a hat-palooza/wedding, after all.
Beatrice – oh, I just haven’ t put it on yet – I didn’t want anyone to have time to stop me *stoops, removes hat from hat-b0x-shaped-purse, fixes it to her head*
Eugenie – you look ridiculous.
Beatrice – no, i look FASCINATING. Also, you can stand behind me, and look through the hole in my hat to see the wedding. It’ll be like it’s all happening in a picture frame.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
Beatrice is going to see those pictures of Eugenie and be furious.
monicastangledweb
May 4, 2011
Does that fascinator protect your head from the rain or cold? Why do these two princesses actually remind me of Cinderella’s frivolous step sisters as seen in the Disney animated version?
Also, heads up: I gave you (yet another) shout out in my post today. It was only fitting, actually, since you gave me the idea (perhaps inadvertently) for it. So thank you, and you’re welcome!
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I enjoyed your post. Let me know how successful it is in pulling in search term views and maybe we can start writing complete nonsense exclusively.
monicastangledweb
May 5, 2011
Notice how I referred to you as “award winning.” That was the highlight of my post.
ryoko861
May 4, 2011
LMAO! Well done! I noticed that hat, too, and thought WTF? Hideous came to mind. What a dork.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
The day after the wedding I had completely forgotten William and Kate had gotten married because all I could think about was that hat.
thelifeofjamie
May 4, 2011
I wonder if her pet yorkie learned how to jump through her hat…
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
The hat makes Beatrice the topic of discussion at the party, but if she can teach her yorkie to jump through the hat she becomes the life of the party.
Emily Jane
May 4, 2011
#4 is the best thing ever 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I’m considering marketing a line of fancy toilet seats in the style of Beatrice’s fascinator.
Margie
May 4, 2011
I have always thought it is unforgivable for a guest to wear anything to a wedding that takes attention away from the bride and groom. So I hope that when Beatrice gets married, every single guest wears something that causes such a flurry that the photographers can’t be bothered to photograph the bride… either that, or every single invited guest could just not show up. That would be even better.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
If you don’t approve of a guest wearing anything that takes attention away from the bride and groom, you probably wouldn’t have approved of my wife wearing a wedding dress to my sister’s wedding.
Annie
May 4, 2011
First thing that I thought of was Dr. Seuss. Wasn’t that fascinator originally worn by a one hump Wump?
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
It does have a certain Seussical quality, doesn’t it?
Smart Nurse
May 20, 2011
I am glad I am not the only one who was reminded of Dr. Seuss with that crazy hat! They should make a Dr. Seuss movie and feature the hat as the star. It would be a spect-hat-ular movie!
writerdood
May 4, 2011
It’s amazing what you can make with bird shit and elmer’s glue.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
Those Brits are jolly creative, what, what?
Amy
May 4, 2011
There must have been some kind of pact with the devil involved. Like: Wear the hat and you will upstage the event of the century and be remembered forever, but someone you’ve never met will die. Then, the hat will be passed on . . . To someone you’ve never met!
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
Ha! That sounds like the plot of a Simpsons Halloween special.
She's a Maineiac
May 4, 2011
#4 made me spew cereal all over the keyboard. I really have to stop reading your blog at breakfast or any other meal/coffee/tea time.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I worry all the humor focused on the hat will prevent people from realizing what a great toilet seat this would make.
Jess Witkins
May 4, 2011
I love the one where she’s writing in her diary! Most hilarious photographs ever! What were they thinking? Oh wait, you’ve clearly explained all the possibilities. Thanks! lol.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I’d love to know what she was really thinking. I hope she was expecting all this attention.
Renee Davies
May 4, 2011
Princess B’s fascinator lived up to its name and fascinated people worldwide. Too bad fashion was never rooted in good sense, and it seems royalty throughout the ages, has always been the first and the best at flaunting it – kings wearing high heals and wigs and women wearing corsets. But, if ever a royal looked incredible in her royal garb, fascinator and all, it was Keira Knightley in The Duchess and Cate Blanchett in Elizabeth.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I assume there’s a certain level of power and wealth where you can’t bear to wear what everyone is wearing and you’re willing to try something terrible so nobody else will copy you.
Lenore Diane
May 4, 2011
I agree with Maineiac – #4 was spew worthy. Thankfully, I finished eating and drinking prior to reading and spewing.
I’m beginning to get nervous, though. The hat is beginning to grow on me. Should I even admit such a horrid thing?
She's a Maineiac
May 5, 2011
Whew, I’m glad you said that, Lenore. I was going to reply with, “I like it.” just for the sheer ballsyness of her choice, but didn’t want the hat backlash. No wait, I hate it. Yeah, it’s ridiculous!
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I’m honestly starting to like it. You look once and your initial reaction is shock, then you laugh, then you look again and you can’t look away.
limr
May 4, 2011
That fascinator would look FANTASTIC on my cats.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I expect to see a post soon of your cats wearing Beatrice’s fascinator.
limr
May 8, 2011
And…done.
robburns
May 5, 2011
Say what you like, it did a job. Mostly, to distract onlookers from her teeth.
writerwoman61
May 5, 2011
It is bizarre, isn’t it…almost like she has two heads (and the one on top doesn’t have a face!)…yikes! Clearly, her friends and family failed to save poor Beatrice from embarrassing herself…”Bea…seriously…go upstairs and don’t come down until you’ve changed your hat! And scrape off some of that makeup while you’re up there!”
Sales of hats apparently increased by 75% at one shop in Saint John over last year just before the Royal Wedding…I have yet to actually see one on the street though.
Funny post as always, Paul!
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I’ve been pushing for hats to make a comeback for years. The world was a bit classier when men wore fedoras and women more fascinators. I’m expecting several hat party invitations in the coming days.
spilledinkguy
May 5, 2011
My fascinator it has 3 corners
3 corners has my fascinator
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
Three three-cornered cheers for you!
michaelskelley
May 5, 2011
Beatrice in card to Fergie this Sunday: “…While I know we will never agree on your decision to allow the remnants of my parasitic twin’s intestine to remain so prominently displayed on my forehead, as a mother I can understand your desire to memorialize your daughter and have come to terms with it.”
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
Sounds like the introduction of a science fiction story…that will disgust anyone out of reading the rest.
Calhoun
May 5, 2011
Yeah, my first thought was definitely fallopian tubes.
And to think, she can find an interesting hat like that and I take it you’re still without your top hat?
It’s a cruel world
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I still haven’t found my top hat. I honestly have looked and looked online, but top hats aren’t as popular as I assumed, and there’s never anything in my size.
gojulesgo
May 5, 2011
They were amazing, just amazing. All of them. I had three draft posts on this topic and I’m glad I canned them all because they wouldn’t have topped this one! I am disappointed there isn’t a poorly photoshopped picture of you in the toilet seat fascinator, though. I did have that going for me.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I’m flattered. But it’s odd you would say you have a photoshopped picture of me in the toilet seat fascinator the same day I actually took a real picture of me in the toilet seat fascinator.
pearlsandprose
May 5, 2011
No one told you? It was an edible funnel cake to snack on in case Beatrice or her sister got hungry during the wedding!
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
If that’s the case I applaud her ingenuity. It’s true I didn’t see a snack table in Westminister Abbey.
savesprinkles1234
May 5, 2011
I stared into her facinator this morning while I was drinking my coffee, and after a few minutes, I swear, the wicked queen from Snow White appeared in it. She told me that Beatrice has converged with her in a plot to take over the throne. Should I warn the royals or will I just sound crazy?
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
You will sound crazy, but I still think you should do it.
omawarisan
May 5, 2011
Shouldn’t a really good facinator shoot a bright beam of light that takes control of it’s victims mind?
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I’m pretty sure that’s what this fascinator does. How else do you explain the incredible attention it’s been able to attract?
Lori
May 5, 2011
Dude, you are not going to believe this, but this is the first time I have seen this hat!! Hooray…now I don’t have to feel guilty for not watching the news because I can get all I need right here. Paul, I can’t thank you enough. (I really DID see it here first!)
I didn’t even know that Fergie wasn’t invited…guess she chilled out and watched it with the Obama’s at the White House….all wearing hideous hats, of course.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
You don’t need to watch other news anymore. Anything you truly need to know will be mentioned on this blog.
Brown Road Chronicles
May 5, 2011
C’mon, the images of a dead Osama that they won’t let us see can’t be much more gruesome and inflammatory than pictures of that ridiculous hat!
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
Well played and topical.
bschooled
May 5, 2011
HA!
Unlike Beatrice’s unspoken fertility announcement, this post is a thing of beauty.
(If this comment makes no sense, it’s only because I’m on my deathbed.)
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
If this comment does make sense, does that mean you’re not on your deathbed?
Hi, I'm Natalie.
May 5, 2011
I vomited a little when I saw the title of this post – almost didn’t click. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, please let us never speak of this again.
Also, why haven’t you started the advice column that Leanne suggested??
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
An advice column could be fun. I actually have been considering an advice column for a while, but I just need to think of the format for submissions a little longer.
the master
May 5, 2011
To my eyes, there’s a distinctly Lovecraftesque vibe about that thing, so much so that I’m not convinced it is a hat/facinator/whatever. Rather, I’m beginning to wonder if David Icke was right all along.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
It definitely gives off a science fiction vibe.
educlaytion
May 5, 2011
This is literally the first seconds of any royal wedding coverage I’ve been exposed to. Your fault. Are the hats supposed to look that stupid? That’s actually a real question, like maybe in England they take the whole “make the bride look good by having bridesmaids in hideous dresses” to another level.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
“Are the hats supposed to look that stupid?” This depends on whether the American definition of stupid and the British definition of frivolous hold the same meaning.
nursemyra
May 5, 2011
We had an Easter celebration at the Gimcrack recently. For the female patients the diversional therapist crafted 70 fascinators with chicks and feathers, bedazzlers and glitter, felt and velvet….. wish I’d known Beatrice was in the market for a crowd-stopper. We could have given her one of ours.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I’ve been talking about hat parties for ages but nobody ever invites me. I expect an invitation next time I’m in Australia.
25BAR
May 5, 2011
If it weren’t for her, the wedding would have been way too proper!
I thank her for all the entertainment!
The Good Greatsby
May 6, 2011
She certainly made the wedding more memorable, although I can’t even remember who got married now.
ramoncito17
May 6, 2011
It would probably be more complete if the silhouette cut-out of her mother was placed at the center of the frame. The hat while it looks modern looks like a Victorian era frame to me. Great blog entry Mr. Greatsby!
The Good Greatsby
May 6, 2011
Anybody can buy a frame as a wedding gift, but it takes moxie to wear a frame first and then give it as a wedding gift.
amblerangel
May 6, 2011
What I found astounding was CBS named the Two South Going Yaks Best Dressed! For their Hats! Had to be a case of Princess Envy….
The Good Greatsby
May 6, 2011
This is just a rumor, so don’t quote me on this, but I heard Beatrice’s hat went to college with the president of CBS, so maybe he wasn’t exactly unbiased.
Tony McGurk
May 6, 2011
Golly gosh so many comments on this one that I’ve worn out my mouse wheel getting to the bottom. It is a rather fascinating looking fascinator. But a rather silly looking hat.
The Good Greatsby
May 6, 2011
As long as you call it a fascinator, you can get away with anything.
flippingchannels
May 7, 2011
Wow. Due to my complete lack of interest I hadn’t heard about this before. Thank you. I could have used that part of my brain to store something useful, like the quadratic equation. Now, thanks to your impeccable taste and encyclopedic knowledge of popular culture, I’ve filled it with a fascinating hat instead.
Thomas Stazyk
May 9, 2011
The ladies’ hats might have been lame but you have to admit, the guys’ uniforms were pretty cool.
TheBigSIL
May 13, 2011
Am I the only one who can see Eugenia is the doppelganger for Monica “Ms.” Lewinsky? Er, were we not supposed to mention it due to the fact this is the new life she finagled for herself after the FBI offered her a relocation and identity reassignment?