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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »satire«
Sorting Hat, Please, Please Don’t Put Me In Hufflepuff!
If you’ve been a long-time reader, perhaps you remember my post, How to Tease Your Kids, extolling my love for teasing. If I ever lose my love for teasing, my love for my children will likely soon follow. If I couldn’t tease them, I’d probably be a lot less interested in parenting, which is why […]
Shallow End of the Gene Pool
July 13, 2011
A US company is marketing a DNA test for children that promises to determine whether your infant has the potential to be a star athlete. The test searches for the presence of the ACT3N gene which has been linked to athletic ability in one previous study. Critics suggest possessing one particular gene provides very little […]
Americans Greet New Obesity Statistics with Literal Heavy Hearts
July 12, 2011
Last week two health groups released a study showing United States obesity had risen in sixteen states and fallen in none. I read multiple articles on the discouraging trend, and I made an effort to click on and therefore reward articles that attempted to make the headline a play on words like “U.S. Obesity Numbers […]
Fresh Fish: From Fish Bowl to Toilet Bowl
July 11, 2011
Our goldfish, Aunt Agatha, recently died after a two day battle with floatsidewaysitis. (Note: If you name your goldfish Aunt Agatha or Uncle Fred, you can use their deaths to get out of social engagements. “I can’t come to your son’s bar mitzvah because Aunt Agatha died. The children aren’t handling it well at well. […]
Sunday Appetizers
July 10, 2011
Our seven-year-old, The Fonz, asked his mom, “If you had a zillion dollars would you spend it all on make-up?” She laughed but never answered. I assume she’s still thinking about it. ….. My wife said she needed a new philosophy for dealing with people because she felt she was too much of a pushover. […]
Is that Justin Bieber I Smell?
July 8, 2011
You may know Canadian Justin Bieber as the teen heartthrob who made $53 million last year, most notably for singing the song Baby which repeated the word “baby” 54 times, almost exactly $1 million per “baby”. If you forget the words, just try shouting “baby” and the odds are in your favor. If you haven’t […]
A True Class Clown Doesn’t Take a Summer Vacation
July 7, 2011
The doctor told my wife and I to sit down, always a sign of impending bad news. I hoped refusing to sit might somehow change our fate. “If you don’t mind, doc, I’d rather stand. Or maybe lie down on the floor. Or maybe lean against this coat rack over here. But give it to […]
Hey, Where’s that Fifty Bucks You Owe Me?
July 6, 2011
About once a month I set a date to go over my finances. This usually involves analysis of four categories: 1. Bills to pay 2. Savings and investments 3. How the kids could make me money, possibly through street busking or pick-pocketry 4. How to trick or guilt people into giving me money The kids […]
More Indifferent State Tourism Slogans: Now 50% More Slogany
July 4, 2011
Happy birthday, America! I got you a card but I wasn’t sure where to send it. Allow me to apologize for sullying your reputation by trying to settle all arguments both home and abroad with a chant of “USA! USA! USA!” Now for a selection of even indifferenter, fat-freer, low calorierer, state tourism slogans: Alabama: […]
Sunday Brunch
July 3, 2011
Yesterday my seven-year-old, The Fonz, told my wife, “Parenting must be hard, especially when you have kids.” I would have answered, “Actually, parenting without having kids is even harder.” ….. Christine Lagarde was selected this week as International Monetary Fund Managing Director. I never received a response to my job inquiry email to the IMF. […]
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July 14, 2011
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