Mustache-less Candidates Race to Get Their Grow On

Posted on November 14, 2011


Just when it seemed things couldn’t get any worse for Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain following a series of sexual harassment accusations, Cain has now lost the coveted endorsement of the American Mustache Institute.

Cain Keeps Stiff Upper Lip After Losing Endorsement of Hairy Upper Lip

The American Mustache Institute had first planned to stand by Herman Cain despite harassment claims from four of his former colleagues, but AMI’s resolve faded following reports Cain had also harassed his mustache.  Numerous witnesses have reported seeing Cain stroking his mustache all under the guise of being deep in thought about critical issues.

Mustache Hid Truth for Fears of Public Shaming…and Shaving

The other candidates are scrambling to win AMI’s endorsement, although political pundits are unsure where to place AMI’s allegiances since no other candidate has a mustache.  Mustache aficionado’s were hoping Cain might be the first presidential mustache since William Taft, although Jimmy Carter was rumored to have a mustache tattoo on his index finger so he could hold it under his nose and vote for himself twice on election day–an indignity his wife Rosalynn Carter, much to her credit, refused.

The competition for AMI’s endorsement has grown increasingly fierce as candidate Mitt Romney offered to grow half a mustache on the right side of his face, allowing him to offer two different profiles depending on his audience.  Rick Perry offered a three point plan for encouraging business owners to grow facial hair, although when pressed he could only remember the points for beards and goatees and failed to recall the name of mustaches.

Herman Cain is left with the unenviable task of shoring up his support by seeking less-desirable endorsements from the United States Nerd Community who may be swayed by hopes Cain could become the first glasses-wearing president since Harry S. Truman.  His campaign might also receive a boost from the Hair Club for Men who may be swayed by hopes Cain could be the first bald president since Dwight D. Eisenhower.

If Cain doesn’t win any of these endorsements, his only hope might be winning the support of the United States Bald Black Mustache & Glasses Institute.