Obama Announces New American Enemies List

Posted on January 24, 2012


Tonight President Obama delivers his State of the Union address and hopes to use the occasion to remind Americans of his successes, announce new initiatives, and try and counter Republican accusations of being a socialist-loving, religion-hating, baby-biting vampire.

It’s likely Obama will claim the killing of Osama Bin Laden as one of the previous year’s victories. Although the killing of Osama is considered one of Obama’s greatest achievements, his failure to produce another enemy for all Americans to unite against will be considered one of his greatest failures. Part of the US President’s responsibility is to unify Americans against someone they should fear and hate.

Obama has overlooked his responsibility to scare us into voting for his administration, and in this election year many voters may remember the previous Republican administration managed to take this responsibility much more seriously. Obama needs to use the State of the Union to announce our new enemy then explain why his administration can do a better job of scaring us than Republicans can.

I’d like to suggest some potential enemies:

Earth: For too long we’ve wrung our hands on the sidelines as Mother Nature sent floods, hurricanes, and locusts. We’ve made small but steady inroads against the climate, but now it’s time to broaden our attack and take out killer bees, sharks, spiders, snakes, and pollen.

Watch your back, earth!

Facebook: Every day a digital enemy scans our pictures and private information, searching for drunken pictures to send to our spouses, faint-hearted parents, and prospective employers. When we try and delete this evidence, our digital enemy pretends the information has been erased but keeps it forever and sometimes still makes it available to others. America must commit experts to analyze Facebook’s labyrinthine directories until they find the self-destruct button.

The Moon: You’ve sent the tide crashing into my sand castle for the last time, you lunar menace!

Twilight: How can the government stand idly by as this  melodramatic-to-the-point-of-parody series destroys the female mystique? For thousands of years men have struggled to figure out what women found attractive. Now we know and we’re not impressed.

Adobe updates: What gives Adobe the right to update my software without my permission, shut down my computer, and close all the programs I was working on while I left to go to the bathroom? How is this legal? Why doesn’t Adobe have a physical form I can punch?

Aging: I’m getting older and I don’t like it. Every year teenagers scare me a little more. The time to strike against aging or teenagers is now.

Brunch: What makes you think you can fix the three-meals-a-day system the rest of civilization has followed for thousands of years? Just because you can’t get out of bed before 10:00AM doesn’t mean you can pretend you always intended to eat at 11:00. I say hard cheese!

The Kardashians: We’ve got them up against the ropes, now is the time to finish them off.

Entropy: Why spend so much time putting out fires and trying to fix problems when we’ve never even considered attacking the scientific concept of all matter and energy in the universe tending towards a state of disorder and chaos? Isn’t entropy the root of all our problems? If we could end the tendency for things to fall apart, wouldn’t everything else take care of itself?

Other candidates: TMZ.com, marching bands, Jazz dance, that Italian sea captain, the lack of uniformity among international electrical outlets, Donald Trump, the TLC network, the E network, Vin Diesel, people who still talk about Apple like its the underdog, Robin Williams in everything after Good Will Hunting.


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Posted in: Columns