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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Columns«
How to Out-stalk a Stalker
If you suspect you’ve attracted a stalker, you can try and get a restraining order and take a chance he’ll be scared off, but TV has taught me you’re just as likely to provoke him to new levels of stalkerdom. Instead of letting him know you’re worried, why not stalk him back and scare him […]
Keep Drinkin’ the Hateorade: Version 2.0
May 31, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard the slang term “hateorade” as in “Don’t be sippin’ on the hateorade!” This is a term most often employed after a logical, fair argument has been presented, and the recipient of the criticism has no logic or facts to toss back and uses hateorade to hint at jealousy being the root of […]
Memorial Memorial Day
May 30, 2011
Today America celebrates Memorial Day–a day to remember fallen U.S. Service Members. Many Americans will observe the holiday by visiting cemeteries and memorials to the dead. These memorials may take the form of a sculpture, a statue, a plaque, or even an entire park. Just wondering, but is there any interest in creating a Memorial […]
Sunday Salad
May 29, 2011
Our 7-year-old, The Fonz, told my wife with a sigh, “I’m not as cute as I used to be.” My wife assured him he was still very cute. He nodded to acknowledge the compliment, then sighed again, “But still not as cute as I used to be.” He seems awfully young to begin worrying about […]
Phone-acting 101
May 24, 2011
Characters in TV and movies talk on the phone much differently than real people. In real life you have the benefit of talking to a live person, but one actor on the phone is charged with carrying on a conversation for two. We can’t tell what the unseen, unheard person is saying, but the actor […]
The End of Days, The End of Oprah
May 23, 2011
Lost in the all the hype over last week’s failed Rapture, was preacher Harold Camping’s very logical reasoning for believing the world would end this week. He hemmed and hawed when asked for specific biblical support, and I assume he was too embarrassed to cite the real reason the world may very well come to […]
Sunday Casserole
May 22, 2011
When I learned global warming would cause ocean levels to rise six feet I got pretty scared. But I decided to look on the bright side and bought soon-to-be beachfront property at six feet above sea level. In 20 to 100 years I’m going to be gob-smackingly rich! ….. This is your last chance to […]
Cloudy with a Chance of Rapture
May 21, 2011
I have a small electronic weather station on my desk, and this morning I was surprised to find the following forecast: Partly cloudy, 20% chance of rain, 10% chance of Rapture You’ve probably heard of the Christian preacher who predicted the Rapture would come today, May 21st. If you’re not familiar with the Rapture, you […]
Can You Be Considered a Success if You’re not Wearing Pants?
May 20, 2011
People ask me how I find time to write this blog every day, and I have to pause and consider whether I truly have “found time” to write this blog every day if I’m writing it while not wearing pants. I’m certain I put on pants when I got out of bed this morning–or maybe […]
Situations When I Will or Will Not Feel Sorry for You
May 19, 2011
Sometimes you get mad at someone, a someone who probably deserves it–like my friend Todd for instance–and after Todd leaves the room my wife whispers, “Today is Todd’s birthday.” Everyone shakes their heads, and I look like a jerk because I got mad at Todd on his special day. Tough luck, Todd! If he had […]
A Letter to Donald Trump from the Rich People Conspiracy
May 18, 2011
Dear Donald Trump, It pains me to write this letter, old chum, especially after the top notch weekend we spent throwing champagne bottles at poor people in Central Park and paying homeless men to kiss, but the vast Rich People Conspiracy asked me to express our concerns. Here’s the predicament, old bean: You’re embarrassing all […]
Charmed, I’m Sure
May 15, 2011
Did you miss my performance as Sebastian in the recent production of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night? If so, let me be the first to mention I did not receive a single negative review. I didn’t receive a single positive review either, but who’s counting? Besides my wife. There were six reviews in local magazines and entertainment […]
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