When people ask me what’s the best part of being a parent, I answer, ‘Mind your own business.’
I prefer to avoid parenting conversations because I don’t want to admit the thing I like best about my two children is all the excuses they provide. ‘I wish we could help you move, but we don’t have a babysitter.’ ‘I wish we could come to your play, but the kids hate bad acting.’ ‘I wish I could stop drinking, but alcohol is the thing that makes the children’s stories seem interesting.’ For the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone would want a big family; because what excuses can you get with five children that you can’t get with two?
For us, two children has turned out to be the perfect number.
One to wash and one to dry.
One to tattle and one to get in trouble.
When I ask who spilled water on the remote control, one to say, ‘I didn’t do it,’ and one to slowly back out of the room.
When we wrestle, one for me to sit on and one to make hit himself.
When they play video games, one to play and one to repeat a hundred times, ‘When will it be my turn?’
One to ask if a fat woman is pregnant and one to elbow him in the ribs.
One to make a joke and one to repeat it and take credit.
When racing for the school bus in the morning, one to forget things and one to also forget things.
One to perform in a play and one to ask, ‘How much longer will we be here?’ ‘Can I have a soda?’ ‘Is it almost over?’ ‘Can I have a soda?’
One to get lice and one to be given lice. Twice.
One to win and one to complain about the rules.
One to read and one to say, ‘When are you going to be done reading? Let’s do something.’
One to have a crush and one to make kissing faces whenever the crush is near.
When they gang up on me in Call of Duty, one to laugh and one to pretend not to laugh.
One to pretend he reads my blog and one to admit he doesn’t.
The Good Greatsby 
susielindau
February 13, 2013
Hilarious! Danny always said, “Two for the chairlift. We each have one or we can travel on the four banger!”
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
Everything gets more complicated with three. Taxis in Shanghai will only allow four passengers, so we’d probably have to leave Shanghai if we had to take two taxis everywhere.
Curly Carly
February 13, 2013
That settles it. I’m gonna have a couple kids now for the sole purpose of having an excuse to get out of stuff.
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
I must warn you that although the kids get me out of a lot of stuff, they probably produce an equal number of time commitments.
writerdood
February 13, 2013
Yep, that’s how it goes. I’m in the same boat. I’ve got one to melt plastic in the microwave, and one to play with the puddle. One to pick up the dog poop and one to track in the poop that the other missed.
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
I see I’m not the only one to recognize the efficiency of two.
mistyslaws
February 13, 2013
Well, I figure we have two because that way we have a spare. Like if one turns out to be a huge disappointment or an asshole or something, then we can rest all our hopes and dreams on dying in a suitable retirement village on the good one. Then again, we’re planners like that.
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
We kind of figure the same thing. If we have two, the chances of at least one of them having a good job and helping us financially are pretty good.
Soma Mukherjee
February 13, 2013
superb and oh i have one kid and the excuses i make in her name…
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
One is almost always enough in the world of excuses.
Robin Helm
February 13, 2013
This was a great way to start my morning. We have two adult daughters, and it still works. One to get into trouble, and the other to take up for her. One to make me feel like a font of knowledge, and the other to jerk me rudely back to reality and humility.
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
I’m hoping when my kids are adults, with two of them, at least one will come to visit.
Robin Helm
February 14, 2013
Maybe they will come one at a time. ; )
1tric
February 13, 2013
When things go awry in my house I regularly say “Should have stopped at two!”
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
It’s much easier to keep track of two. My wife and I can easily keep an eye on two, but three would always leave someone unobserved.
Notes from the Shallow End
February 13, 2013
I have three, so I have an excuse for my house to be a mess. People are all “Oh my gosh don’t worry about it, you have three kids!” And when it is clean (rarely) I look like SuperMom. “Oh my gosh how do you keep your house so clean with three kids?” Win/win.
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
I worry that means we don’t have an excuse for the way our house looks.
Audrey
February 13, 2013
Who knew that two could work out so well? I’m already of the mind that two is plenty enough for me when the time comes, and now I have a slew of other great reasons to add to the list. Thanks!
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
Four is the perfect number for all the best board games and 2-on-2 basketball.
Jackie Cangro
February 13, 2013
I don’t have any kids, but by this logic, I think I need to get another dog.
One to tip over the garbage can and the other to have a guilty look on his face.
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
But I must warn you that having two makes blaming less efficient.
tgeorges1123
February 13, 2013
But number #3 was a total surprise!!! We didn’t mean too! So there are the two boys and our little tomboy princess who is constantly telling us how unfair it is that her brothers have each other and she has no one. So we got her a cat. And the husband? Neutered. 🙂
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
I constantly fear a #3 surprise. The possibility haunts me.
tslifset
February 14, 2013
With two on the way, you have become an oracle kind sir.
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
Congratulations on your efficiency! You’ve achieved the perfect number with only one pregnancy.
josefkul
February 14, 2013
If only I had access to your handy guide twenty six years ago. When my twin brother and I got in trouble we both denied involvement and both became grounded later. We probably should have coordinated better.
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
I don’t mind if they lie just as long as they work together in their lie.
Reheated Coffee
February 14, 2013
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have more than one child in the future, but you have convinced me that I need one two so that one can be sat on and one can be made to hit himself.
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
It’s not impressive to wrestle and defeat one child at a time; you need to wrestle at least two at a time to make it a challenge.
pegoleg
February 14, 2013
“It Takes Two” was one of my 2 kids favorite movies and they still watch it a couple of times a year when they get together, even though they’re 23 and almost-21. That fact seems relevant.
She's a Maineiac
February 14, 2013
Whoa, a movie about twins who conspire to play matchmaker! Love it. I have to say my fave part was when Steve Guttenberg got nailed by the tree branch.
pegoleg
February 14, 2013
My favorite part was when Kirsty Alley jumped in the lake, then walked out of the water trying not to self-consciously pick her sweater away from her burgeoning bottom because she had already started to gain the weight that landed her the Fat Actress gig. Ouch.
She's a Maineiac
February 14, 2013
I must have missed that part. I was still reeling from the “you should really put some iodine on your butt” line. Pure poetry. (I think my kids would love this movie)
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
I had no idea anyone actually saw ‘It Takes Two,’ let alone saw it more than once.
She's a Maineiac
February 17, 2013
This might not be the right time or place and it really pains me to do this to you…but….I’m sorry, I can’t help it. (course, you can go right ahead and delete it before you even see it, I understand)
Jorie
February 14, 2013
One to have lice and one to be given lice cracked me up. KIDS, I tells ya. Walking petri dishes.
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
One kid gets sick, passes it to the next, and then the parents get it. After a three week cycle of everyone being sick, we start over with a new illness.
becomingcliche
February 14, 2013
Sorry. You need one more. A girl this time. That’ll mix things right up.
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
Couldn’t we just get a dog?
She's a Maineiac
February 14, 2013
We only had two kids so we could squeeze perfectly into the booth at Denny’s.
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
That’s another excellent point. Add another kid and somebody has to scoot a chair up to the edge of the booth.
JM Randolph
February 14, 2013
The only real advantage that five children give you over two, in the excuses department, is built-in excuses to give to your other children. Sorry, I can’t come to your all-district elementary string ensemble concert because your brother just jammed a spoon up his nose and has to go to the emergency room. No, I didn’t pay him to do that, your sister did.
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
That’s true. They go to the same school so they often have the same school performance and it’s impossible to use either of them as an excuse not to go.
dianasschwenk
February 14, 2013
You are the most ‘together’ parent I know! I only had one – that was my mistake – but to be honest she was good at asking and answering her own questions!
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
If she can entertain herself there’s no need to go to the trouble of having another.
philosophermouseofthehedge
February 14, 2013
Outstanding. Bookends to hold things together. Two wheels to keep the things rolling along. One for each hand. Good planning (and I’d go for the dog instead of adding a sister)
The Good Greatsby
February 14, 2013
The greatest risk of having another is that it wouldn’t be a girl but would be another boy and we’d go crazy.
philosophermouseofthehedge
February 14, 2013
Three is a unbalanced social situation – worse you might have to add a 4th ( that’s really really difficult…they out number you)
The Good Greatsby
February 15, 2013
Good point. With two kids and two parents, it’s easy to take sides. If you add a third child, someone is going to feel left out of arguments.
Kim
February 14, 2013
I agree with you… 2 kids are ideal. We had 3 and that last one can be down-right useless, at times!
The Good Greatsby
February 15, 2013
I don’t think anyone likes to admit they had too many, but I assume it’s like having seconds than thirds than fourths at dinner. Eventually it’s way too much although it may take a little time to realize it.
Nandini Godara
February 14, 2013
My mum’s sitting next to me and wants to tell you it doesn’t get easier with a girl in the mix. I’m her 23 yo daughter and your posts make me laugh so thanks!
The Good Greatsby
February 15, 2013
I suspected as much.
spilledinkguy
February 14, 2013
One to create a diversion and one to put a Vin Diesel movie in the DVD player…
The Good Greatsby
February 15, 2013
Not in my house. Never in my house.
georgettesullins
February 15, 2013
I take it you have identified the high maintenance and low maintenance child. Love the title of this post, btw.
Elyse
February 17, 2013
Boy, I could have used a second kid when I was raising my son an only child. I really wish there had been somebody to beat Jacob up from time to time other than me.
literatelibran
February 21, 2013
This almost makes me want a second child, but I think it might be cheaper just to have him work on his imaginary friend a bit.
Miss Lydia
February 25, 2013
total yin and yang. my people are so proud of you.
bronxboy55
February 28, 2013
It’s amazing how funny these things are when it’s somebody else’s kids doing them.
The Guat
March 2, 2013
This was so awesome. I can’t believe it took me this long to get over here … it was probably the killer flu that sidelined me for three weeks. But you crack me up. I love your response to the “what’s the best part of being a parent?” Ahhhhh Too funny. I love all the excuses my favorite is the last one and the “one to tattle and one to get in trouble” Nice!
HoaiPhai
July 3, 2013
How about “One to sign the waiver and one to pull the plug”? At least with five there’s bound to be at least one who thinks you’ve hidden some additional cash away and will fight any discontinue-all-treatment-and-support order until their (make that “your”) last breath.