Thank you again for your gracious dinner invitation. My family and I look forward to attending tomorrow. As I mentioned on the phone my family has a few small dietary restrictions you should be aware of when preparing your menu.
We’re vegetarians. Mostly. We’ll only eat meat under extraordinary circumstances. Like revenge.
All dairy is fine except yogurt. And milk. Also, no cheese. Also, no butter, sour cream, or cottage cheese. Also, no dairy.
My 8-year-old son can’t use any silverware other than a knife so please only prepare foods which can be stabbed.
My sons have a napkin allergy so if you prefer the kids to have clean faces please make sure the table cloth extends at least twelve inches from the table edge.
We’d prefer not to use any condiments endorsed by celebrities who haven’t won an Oscar. Paul Newman’s salad dressing would be fine. Tommy Lasorda’s pasta sauce is off limits, although I waver when I hear Larry King raved about it, calling it “very, very good.” Vin Diesel’s Fast and Furious Fruit Preserves are out of the question!
My wife eats everything in shake form. Let us know in advance if you’re serving corn on the cob so we can bring our industrial blender.
My 11-year-old son’s terrible aim requires him to wear a cheek gutter prosthetic when he eats soup. Please don’t look at him when he eats soup because he’s very sensitive. (Note: If we’re not having soup just add water to his dinner because you’ve really got to see him use the cheek gutter. Hilarious!)
If your family prefers to pray at the beginning of the meal, please warn us in advance if you worship anything sketchy so we can warn the kids not to laugh.
We’d like to bring a bottle of wine. Please send me the receipt for the dinner ingredients so I know an appropriate amount to spend.
We prefer all fruit to be as fresh as possible, meaning the fruit should still be attached to the tree. As for vegetables, we’re not particular to their level of freshness since we won’t be eating them.
Please inform us in advance what percentage of the FDA’s recommended daily allowances dinner will fulfill so we know what to eat for breakfast and lunch.
Can we start with dessert just in case we arrive late and are pressed for time before we have to leave for our next dinner invitation?
Please don’t offer me too much to drink. How do I define ‘too much’? I guess we’ll let your wife’s ass be the judge of that.
Also, we have a scheduling conflict tomorrow and would prefer to come tonight. We’ll see you in an hour.
The Johnsons
The Good Greatsby 
susielindau
January 30, 2013
You must get a lot of invitations… 🙂
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
It’s exhausting. I’m tired of being so popular but it’s hard to turn off the charm.
rajsimran
February 11, 2013
you are awesome! loved this post…
mistyslaws
January 30, 2013
I would greatly appreciate if all of my guests prefered to eat everything in shake form. I could just throw everything in the blender and voila!! No slaving over a hot oven, basting and browning and all that rubbish. So, dinner’s at eight. Bring a wine shake.
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
Actually, my wife prefers all the food to be fully prepared before blending.
JM Randolph
January 30, 2013
It’s about time someone brought awareness to the napkin allergy epidemic. I’m trying to decide on an awareness ribbon color but I don’t know what’s left. Also? The china on that table thrills me a little too much. We will be coming with you.
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
Can you bring a bottle of wine but say it’s from both of us?
Spectra
January 31, 2013
– I zeroed right in on that table setting too. Peking Blue?
HoaiPhai
February 7, 2013
I think that’s cobalt blue but the troubling thing is that I’ve heard China gets all its dinnerware-grade cobalt from a place called Chernobyl.
JM Randolph
January 30, 2013
I can bring a wine shake.
She's a Maineiac
January 30, 2013
Y’know, I think you’ve hit on something there, JM. I love shakes. I love wine. A wine shake?Genius. Somehow add some coffee into the mix and I would be on a new diet.
JM Randolph
January 30, 2013
You should write a new diet book. I know a lot of people that would buy that.
Lorna's Voice
January 30, 2013
You’d do fine at my house. I’m serving water. Filtered, of course. And I expect you to pre-eat. I will. 😉
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
We’ll definitely pre-eat on our way over. Is it rude to ask you to put our doggy bags in the refrigerator?
Lorna's Voice
January 31, 2013
Not at all! As you can well imagine, there is plenty of room!
lexy3587
January 30, 2013
I have this image in my mind of tiny indoor apple trees being offered to each guest, with an apple still attached. hilarious post 🙂
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
I guess the apple trees would have to be inside because I am not eating on the patio in this weather.
Lunar Euphoria
January 30, 2013
Haha! I’m the weird vegetarian in a city known for BBQ everything. Except the people who invite me to dinner send invitations like “we know you can’t eat anything we’re having, including dessert, but you can come anyway.”
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
I suspect people sometimes add meat to the vegetables and dessert just so they have an excuse not to invite me.
Elyse
January 30, 2013
Had you posted this nearer to Thanksgiving when my guests always includes a vegan vegetarian militant bird lover, well, I would be typing this comment for a very long time. As it is, I can just laugh at the idiocies of food fanatics. At least until November when I will start seething again.
Bridgesburning Chris King
January 30, 2013
Now I think you should post reactions from folk who actually have entertained the Johnsons. Please? Please?
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
I think we only get invited to buffets nowadays.
She's a Maineiac
January 30, 2013
Clever. Very nice. I love the revenge line.
C’mon over and have dinner with us! I’m serving Paul Newman’s popcorn.
Granted, it’ll be drizzled with some of Vin Diesel’s Fast and the Furiouser Artery-Burstin’ Butter. mmm mmmm goooooood…
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
I’m afraid I’ll have to decline until Vin Diesel wins an Oscar.
She's a Maineiac
January 30, 2013
Sigh. Looks like I’ll have to have dinner at your place. I’ll bring my cheek gutter.
She's a Maineiac
February 10, 2013
I probably shouldn’t say anything but…I came over here and see no new posts. This is very disturbing to me. I don’t think I can go on. But, if you must take a break, you must. I suppose some people have lives outside of wordpress. Whatevs. Just know this: I am very tired and very sick of snow and need something to laugh at. (hope all is well with you!)
The Good Greatsby
February 13, 2013
Our Internet has been down for a week and I couldn’t get anyone to come and fix it because it’s Chinese New Year. After a week of no Internet I kind of forgot I had a blog. I’ll try and post something today.
She's a Maineiac
February 14, 2013
Internet down? For a week? (gasp) Forgot? You had a blog? So happy you remembered!
(Maybe I should try that….I could use a break)
Audrey
January 30, 2013
Always the gracious dinner guest!
Which of the boys has to use the cheek gutter? I can’t help but think that it’s The Fonz.
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
It’s actually Optimist Prime. He’s much too old for his spoon to be hitting his cheek so frequently.
Audrey
January 30, 2013
Very true. The Fonz is young enough that you can claim he’s still developing basic motor skills. 🙂
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
We’re just glad OP is using a spoon when he misses his mouth and isn’t still stuck on knives like The Fonz.
Michael
January 30, 2013
What about condiments endorsed by celebrities who have been nominated and are likely but not certain to win an Oscar? Suppose Jennifer Lawrence emerges with a surprising endorsement for the sweet-and-sour-sauce you get for chicken nuggets at fast-food restaurants. It’s a dilemma.
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
I’d certainly be intrigued by any condiment endorsed by the star of The Hunger Games.
The Byronic Man
January 30, 2013
Just the other day we were invited to some people’s house for dinner who are extremely religious. I went through an enormous amount of stress over “What if they want to pray before dinner?” My wife said, “You’ll bow your head and go along with it.”
Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know what planet she’s from.
The Good Greatsby
January 30, 2013
I definitely think a heads up is in order before praying. It starts the dinner off on an extremely awkward note if all parties aren’t on board.
Spectra
January 31, 2013
But it’s a great time to catch up on your texting…especially if you are texting your prayers directly to God. Or Facebook.
Emily @ The Waiting
January 30, 2013
I know you were joking about the receipt thing but we have friends who are so cheap that I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually requested it prior to purchasing the wine.
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
It helps to know. I don’t want to bring a $50 bottle of wine and then find out we’re having $10 Sloppy Joes. It makes everyone feel awkward.
joehoover
January 30, 2013
I’ve only sat through one meal when people have said grace. I had arrived in Australia and was invited to a Christmas breakfast. Why did I feel a sense of forboding as soon as she asked God to make sure our return flight went safely. He probably replied “I’ll think about it..”
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
Sounds a lot like a veiled threat.
Laura
January 31, 2013
It could have been worse. I once went to dinner at a family’s house, and as we sat down to dinner the father turned to me and asked me to say grace (i.e., to lead the group in prayer). I’m agnostic; it was pretty awkward.
joehoover
January 31, 2013
The pressure!
josefkul
January 31, 2013
My family and I are herbivoreal carnivores. We only eat animals who eat vegetables. Other foodies like to sit on their environmental high horses, but as the eaters of the eaters of the environment we’re the single greatest protectors of that environment we know. Vegans are especially tasty.
Kaela Moore
January 31, 2013
Ha! I confess that I do not invite people with dietary restrictions to dinner. We simply opt to meet them somewhere instead. You know, so busy (and terribly intimidated at the prospect of cooking sans wheat, sugar, gluten, soy, dairy, and meat).
Shirley Daniels
January 31, 2013
Love good food
emmawynnae
January 31, 2013
You are welcome over any time, as long as you bring OP. (He seems to be a bit more charming than you. And by more charming I really mean more humorous and full of quick wit.)
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
I always insist on bringing OP since his charm reflects well on me as a parent. People give me the benefit of the doubt because anyone with such a nice kid couldn’t be as big a jerk as I seem.
emmawynnae
January 31, 2013
Perfect. See you soon.
Monique
January 31, 2013
Lol @ “your wife’s ass be the judge of that”. Great read for the day!
DiatribesAndOvations.com
January 31, 2013
Argh! I know people like this! I’m willing to wager that the Johnson’s don’t reciprocate.
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
We invite people over all the time, although we usually order food and then pretend we prepared it.
judithhb
January 31, 2013
OMG don’t give The Johnsons my address or they just might look me up when they visit New Zealand.
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
I was just about to call you for directions. We’ve been looking for your place for over an hour.
waiehse
January 31, 2013
It’s so nice to hear about parents who are so understanding and careful about their childrens’ dietary choices. Bravo!
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
We’d rather they ate nothing than take the risk of them eating something unhealthy.
dianasschwenk
January 31, 2013
You are definitely invited to my house for dinner! Please bring your own meal! 😉
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
I’d bring my own meal but I prefer not to cook for myself since I’m too much trouble.
dianasschwenk
January 31, 2013
Haha – a valid point!
1pointperspective
January 31, 2013
A word of advice, avoid the salad, it’s covered with John Wayne’s “I-Bought-The-Ranch” Dressing.
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
He actually did win an Oscar for True Grit but I think it fell in the category of a lifetime achievement award since he was an old and had never won one. That’s enough to convince me to avoid the salad.
moderndayruth
January 31, 2013
Excellent piece, loved it! Oh, and it isn’t THAT removed from reality, as it might come across at first… I had vegans, Kashrut – observing and CO posting friends at a dinner AT THE SAME TIME, i did risque going either crazy or bankrupt … or both! 😉
T E Stazyk
January 31, 2013
Our dog is part of the family and joins us on all outings. He needs a lot of room to run around and joins us at the table. We’ll bring his favorite dish. It will be empty but you may fill it with prime cuts of meat.
Kim
January 31, 2013
So wait, dairy is OK…. as long as it’s not dairy, right?
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
If it’s not too much trouble, could you put the dairy on the side of the dairy?
Loyd Digg
January 31, 2013
I can really relate since I just got on the Paleo diet. It’s hard finding fresh cavemen so I mainly just make do with Armenians.
Rustic Recluse
January 31, 2013
I’m inviting you to my “favourite aunt’s” dinner now. 😉
The Good Greatsby
January 31, 2013
Can you pass along my list of dietary restrictions?
Rustic Recluse
February 1, 2013
I already did and I’m sure they’ll enjoy your company 😉
pegoleg
February 1, 2013
Those all seem like reasonable requests. Can’t wait to see you! It will be…oops, I’m so sorry I’m going to have to cancel our dinner. You KNOW only the death of a close family member would make me cancel. I just remembered that a close family member is going to die right during our dinner. I’ll be sure to call you to reschedule.
bluebee
February 2, 2013
BYO
lazylauramaisey
February 2, 2013
What great dinner guests you are. I can imagine the atmosphere is so relaxed and jovial and that you handle mishaps with a wave of your hand and ‘don’t worry!’
lazylauramaisey
February 2, 2013
What great dinner guests you are. I can imagine the atmosphere is so relaxed and jovial and that you handle mishaps with a wave of your hand and a ‘don’t worry!’
dearrosie
February 3, 2013
Hilarious! I love your comment
“As for vegetables, we’re not particular to their level of freshness since we won’t be eating them.”
Reminds me of one of my nieces who became a vegetarian when she was 12 even though she didn’t eat vegetables.
doug
February 4, 2013
Very droll.
HoaiPhai
February 7, 2013
My brother is a fiscal vegetarian… he only eats meat when someone else picks up the tab.
pegoleg
February 9, 2013
Wish I’d thought up that line.
HoaiPhai
February 9, 2013
I wish my brother would spring for a meal. [Thanks for liking the line!]
She's a Maineiac
February 10, 2013
Haha! Good one, HoaiPhai.
gerknoop
February 9, 2013
That tablecloth in the photo would take quite a beating if your son forgets his cheek gutter prosthetic! Maybe just ask them to use a plastic table cloth while your at it?
gerknoop
February 9, 2013
Or maybe bring your own?
kevinrhaggerty
February 9, 2013
I was almost halfway through before I realized none of this was serious. I blame sleep deprivation.
“Do his kids really have napkin allergies? That’s crazy.”
Yes, Kevin. That would be crazy. It’s called humor.
I’m gonna go take a nap.
Dana
February 11, 2013
Ha– totally sounds like me. You can’t take me anywhere! 🙂
studentmissalexis
March 6, 2013
Yay for vegetarians! 🙂
arlingtonchronicles
March 27, 2013
Loving the part about only eating meat for revenge.
I’m picturing a dog pooping on your lawn, and then cutting to your family eating a big pile of dog meat.
War Department
May 9, 2013
I shouldn’t have read this at my desk. I think I snorted. Thanks for the laugh.
laurasmess
June 7, 2013
I actually HAVE friends like this (I use the word ‘friend’ loosely; our technical friendship persists but my fondness for them has waned considerably). For some reason I keep inviting them to dinner. I have to invest a huge amount of effort to meet their particular dietary restrictions… then their two year old still screws up her face and throws something across the dining room. The mother will then (predictably) request that I defrost some kind of alternative food from the freezer so that her child will eat something. I acquiesce; then the alternative food ends up somewhere between the couch cushions. The best part: as soon as this family arrive, they put a Wiggles or Dora the Explorer DVD in the machine. It plays, on repeat, until they leave. Uh, I think I must be a lemming.