Thank You for Inviting Us to Dinner: Please Be Aware of the Following Dietary Restrictions

Posted on January 30, 2013


Thank you again for your gracious dinner invitation. My family and I look forward to attending tomorrow. As I mentioned on the phone my family has a few small dietary restrictions you should be aware of when preparing your menu.

We’re vegetarians. Mostly. We’ll only eat meat under extraordinary circumstances. Like revenge.

All dairy is fine except yogurt. And milk. Also, no cheese. Also, no butter, sour cream, or cottage cheese. Also, no dairy.

My 8-year-old son can’t use any silverware other than a knife so please only prepare foods which can be stabbed.

My sons have a napkin allergy so if you prefer the kids to have clean faces please make sure the table cloth extends at least twelve inches from the table edge.

We’d prefer not to use any condiments endorsed by celebrities who haven’t won an Oscar. Paul Newman’s salad dressing would be fine. Tommy Lasorda’s pasta sauce is off limits, although I waver when I hear Larry King raved about it, calling it “very, very good.” Vin Diesel’s Fast and Furious Fruit Preserves are out of the question!

My wife eats everything in shake form. Let us know in advance if you’re serving corn on the cob so we can bring our industrial blender.

My 11-year-old son’s terrible aim requires him to wear a cheek gutter prosthetic when he eats soup. Please don’t look at him when he eats soup because he’s very sensitive. (Note: If we’re not having soup just add water to his dinner because you’ve really got to see him use the cheek gutter. Hilarious!)

If your family prefers to pray at the beginning of the meal, please warn us in advance if you worship anything sketchy so we can warn the kids not to laugh.

We’d like to bring a bottle of wine. Please send me the receipt for the dinner ingredients so I know an appropriate amount to spend.

We prefer all fruit to be as fresh as possible, meaning the fruit should still be attached to the tree. As for vegetables, we’re not particular to their level of freshness since we won’t be eating them.

Please inform us in advance what percentage of the FDA’s recommended daily allowances dinner will fulfill so we know what to eat for breakfast and lunch.

Can we start with dessert just in case we arrive late and are pressed for time before we have to leave for our next dinner invitation?

Please don’t offer me too much to drink. How do I define ‘too much’? I guess we’ll let your wife’s ass be the judge of that.

Also, we have a scheduling conflict tomorrow and would prefer to come tonight. We’ll see you in an hour.

The Johnsons

Posted in: Family