It Takes Two to Tangle

Posted on February 13, 2013


When people ask me what’s the best part of being a parent, I answer, ‘Mind your own business.’

I prefer to avoid parenting conversations because I don’t want to admit the thing I like best about my two children is all the excuses they provide. ‘I wish we could help you move, but we don’t have a babysitter.’ ‘I wish we could come to your play, but the kids hate bad acting.’ ‘I wish I could stop drinking, but alcohol is the thing that makes the children’s stories seem interesting.’ For the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone would want a big family; because what excuses can you get with five children that you can’t get with two?

For us, two children has turned out to be the perfect number.

One to wash and one to dry.

One to tattle and one to get in trouble.

When I ask who spilled water on the remote control, one to say, ‘I didn’t do it,’ and one to slowly back out of the room.

When we wrestle, one for me to sit on and one to make hit himself.

When they play video games, one to play and one to repeat a hundred times, ‘When will it be my turn?’

One to ask if a fat woman is pregnant and one to elbow him in the ribs.

One to make a joke and one to repeat it and take credit.

When racing for the school bus in the morning, one to forget things and one to also forget things.

One to perform in a play and one to ask, ‘How much longer will we be here?’ ‘Can I have a soda?’ ‘Is it almost over?’ ‘Can I have a soda?’

One to get lice and one to be given lice. Twice.

One to win and one to complain about the rules.

One to read and one to say, ‘When are you going to be done reading? Let’s do something.’

One to have a crush and one to make kissing faces whenever the crush is near.

When they gang up on me in Call of Duty, one to laugh and one to pretend not to laugh.

One to pretend he reads my blog and one to admit he doesn’t.

Posted in: Family