My 11-year-old son Optimist Prime has enjoyed a recent run of success as both the QB of his football team and the star of a theatrical production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. We’re anxious to have him around more as these two commitments often totaled seven to eight practices/rehearsals a week, and because he’s been so busy, I’ve had very little time to ask him about his future plans to use these successes to help him climb life’s social ladder. He agreed to sit down for an interview and allow me to ask him the secrets to his success.
Me: What’s your secret?
OP: Um…there is no secret.
Me:Genetics, maybe?
OP: What?
Me: Do you feel burdened by greatness? Has the figurative weight on your shoulders affected your posture?
OP: That’s an unusual question…um.
Me: What makes you so much better than other kids?
OP: Nothing makes me better than other kids. Besides my success.
Me: When you hear a teacher say every kid is special, do you ever laugh?
OP: No.
Me: Do you ever look around at your classmates and shake your head?
OP: No. What?
Me: When you see your very average and untalented friends, do you ever feel so sorry for them that your stomach hurts and you feel like you’re going to throw up?
OP: No. What?
Me: Maybe you experienced symptoms other than nausea. Do your eyes ever itch? Do you ever sneeze?
OP: Yes.
Me: That might be a symptom of feeling sorry for your friends’ lack of success. How did your old friends take the news?
OP: What news?
Me: That you were breaking up with them.
OP: That never happened. My old friends are my current friends.
Me: Didn’t you tell them it was time to move on to more successful friends?
OP: No, why would I say that to them?
Me: I’m not saying you should be mean or callous about it. You could just say it’s time for you to all move on and get them a nice gift. Like a fruit basket.
OP: I’m not breaking up with my friends!
Me: Is there anybody you’d like to thank?
OP: For my success?
Me: Yeah.
OP: You guys, I guess.
Me: Both of us? Not just one of us?
OP: Both of you.
Me: Who would you rather have dinner with: Abraham Lincoln, that one girl you like, Abraham Lincoln’s beard, or yourself.
OP: Myself.
Me: Who would get the bill?
OP: Probably the other me.
Me: But he probably wouldn’t be the type to get the bill either.
OP: I’d ask the waiter to hand him the bill.
Me: But the other you would probably do the same thing.
OP: Fine, I’d take the bill.
Me: But then wouldn’t he decide to get the bill and reach for it at the exact same time?
OP: I don’t care.
Me: What project are you going to tackle next?
OP: Writing a play. Writing my own play, I guess.
Me: Is there a part for a handsome father figure type character? Because that’s a role I can play.
OP: I’m still working on it. It’s still very, very vague.
Me: So you’re saying it’s still very vague.
OP: Yes.
Me: Sounds interesting. I’m intrigued. Do you have a message for all your fans?
OP: There’s a time for life and a time for living, the choice is up to you my friend.
Me: Very wise. As long as we’re on the subject of Who’s the Boss, can I ask, who was the boss?
OP: Do you want the real answer?
Me: I think I’m ready.
OP: Angela’s the boss.
Me: Interesting. Very interesting. Thanks for your time.
The Good Greatsby 
skippingstones
December 4, 2012
I love these interviews!
The Good Greatsby
December 4, 2012
I wish my kids felt the same way.
S. Trevor Swenson
December 4, 2012
You know, it’s not going to be long before OP and/or The Fonz will be able to beat up their wisenheimer dad?
The Good Greatsby
December 4, 2012
How long is not long? Do you have a specific estimate?
S. Trevor Swenson
December 4, 2012
Oh I dunno. 15 or 16 years of age? LOL Plus OP is playing football and working out LOL
The Good Greatsby
December 4, 2012
That’s true. We wrestled recently and I was surprised at how strong he’d become. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to sit on him while I watch TV.
Snoring Dog Studio
December 4, 2012
I absolutely adore these interviews! I hope you’ve got the green room stocked with M&Ms, chips and dip, and soda, however. It’s the least you can do if you’re going to put your kids through this.
The Good Greatsby
December 4, 2012
I don’t want to establish any kind of standard that I might owe them something in exchange for producing comedy material. They’ll keep asking for more and more and it will only be a matter of time before they ask to be compensated for all the material I’ve already lifted from their lives.
mistyslaws
December 4, 2012
I’m sorry to inform you of this Greatsby . . . but your son may well be a moron. Everybody knows that the actual boss was Mona! I’m so sorry that you will have to live with this subpar intelligent boy. At least he’s good at sports. Maybe he’ll get a scholorship!
The Good Greatsby
December 4, 2012
I’ve heard scholars discuss the ‘Mona as boss’ theory before but I don’t think the academic community has ever come to any consensus.
beansprowtcrocodile
December 4, 2012
That was hilarious! I’m currently sitting in a sociology lecture and trying ever so hard to stay awake, so I couldn’t resist checking my emails having a quick read of something far more interesting, so glad I did! You just brightened by day about ten shades sunnier.
❤
Michelle Gillies
December 4, 2012
It appears Optimist Prime has gained even more wisdom since last you interviewed him. He shall go far and become more. So much more.
susielindau
December 4, 2012
Angela! Brilliant! The show must be on reruns over there.
Well Optimist seems to be doing quite well. Will there be a follow-up post about how you are handling the fits of jealousy? 🙂
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2012
We’ve been downloading episodes for the boys. We felt it was important cultural training.
susielindau
December 5, 2012
Don’t forget Three’s Company… 🙂
Chicago Jill
December 4, 2012
This is brilliant. I cannot wait until my Kiddo is old enough to mess with.
Brother Jon
December 4, 2012
“I don’t care” would often be my answer…..to just about every question. Nice Interview.
The Laughing Duck
December 4, 2012
Like father like son.
Hippie Cahier
December 5, 2012
I’ve got a good feeling that when things move toward very vague and then to moderately vague, you’ll be in the running for a role. If not the handsome father-figure type, maybe at least the good-looking interviewer. I’ll keep a thought. . .
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2012
If he casts anybody else as his father I’m going to be pretty bent out of shape.
philosophermouseofthehedge
December 5, 2012
Have to say I’m a fan.
Life With The Top Down
December 5, 2012
I sensed a little, dare I say badgering of the star. Glad to see OP can already hold his own with answers such as “I’m not breaking up with my friends!” Yep, that’s how stars roll! Great kid you got there Greatsby.
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2012
I don’t like that’s he thinking for himself already. It makes it less likely he’ll split his acting earnings with me.
thesinglecell
December 5, 2012
Clearly you’re not teaching him anything.
Kim
December 5, 2012
I envy you.. The only interviews I get to have with my kids usually involves all 3 of them and me screaming about a broken window…
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2012
I asked my son about your broken window but he wasn’t very helpful.
Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants
December 5, 2012
Samantha was clearly the boss.
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2012
She did frequently get her way, but I still stand by the Angela theory.
Laura
December 5, 2012
How much does he like that one girl he likes? It can’t be that much, if he’d rather have dinner with himself. I’m also impressed that he interpreted that as having dinner with another version of himself, instead of having dinner alone.
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2012
I think the idea of having dinner alone with a girl at 11 years of age must be horrifying for him.
kathrinjapan
December 5, 2012
I’d like to record an interview between OP and my son Chase “The Fox”.
HoaiPhai
December 5, 2012
OP would probably have a better opinion of himself if instead of having average friends, he sought out marginal ones (like mine). Telling him that when friends move on it’s the successful one who gets the gifts might be that gentle boost up the ladder of success and social stature we all pray to which he will aspire.
Reheated Coffee
December 6, 2012
I have to say, I was expecting something more like “I’m the boss” as an answer to your last question. Maybe in time. But I love reading these interviews.
Arindam
December 6, 2012
It seems like your son has inherited many qualities of yours. I specially like the one, “Nothing makes me better than other kids. Besides my success.” It was really nice.
She's a Maineiac
December 6, 2012
Loved this interview. You really should consider doing a vlog of these…. set up a desk, a comfy couch for OP to sit on. Set out some juice boxes for him. Of course in a few years, he won’t even answer any of your questions, except maybe with nonstop eye rolling and a few “God! Dad! You’re like…SO embarrassing!”
(and now I’ll leave this comment with a song…”to a brand new life…brand new life…brand new life around the beeeeeend….”)
Lunar Euphoria
December 12, 2012
Ooooooh — That’s a great idea!
I vote “yes” to vlogs.
spilledinkguy
December 6, 2012
Lincolns beard will talk you ear off.
Scintillatebrightly
December 6, 2012
I skipped to the bottom of the comments without reading so maybe you already stated this…but I hope you’re really doing these sorts of interviews with your kids. It makes my world just a little bit better. How delicicous.
Lunar Euphoria
December 12, 2012
“Who’s the boss?”
Brilliant question. After all the years, we finally know.
The Good Greatsby
December 12, 2012
To be fair, that’s just what we think. Science is still debating the issue.
arlingtonchronicles
March 27, 2013
Ugh you’re so FUNNY