Nothing to Wear at the End of the World

Posted on December 11, 2012


Some people are predicting the end of the world is coming on December 21st based on an ancient Mayan prophecy. I’m conflicted because we’re leaving for vacation on the 18th and if the world is just going to end three days later, I’m not sure whether to bother getting someone to feed the cat. If she eats a big meal before we leave I’m sure she’ll be all right.

Also, we’re kind of letting the laundry pile up because it’s hard to stay motivated when I know I’ve got enough clean clothes to last another ten days. On the other hand, if the world is really going to end I want to look my best. It would be a shame to find myself at the end of the world with nothing to wear.

Does anyone know if this is supposed to be one of those end-of-the-world things where everyone dies, or will some people survive? I sure hope everyone dies because I can’t stand the thought of Vin Diesel surviving and going through my stuff. I just know he’ll stretch out all my shirts.

But don’t let this talk of the end discourage you. I’m a glass-half-full type of person and I always try and see the positive. Instead of focusing on all the fire and death and destruction, I’m concentrating on the things I won’t miss:

I won’t miss end-of-the-world predictions. Sometimes I wish the world would just end already so we can stop talking about it and move on to other topics.

I won’t miss feeling guilty about whether I’m doing enough to save the earth. The earth always seems to be in trouble, like a friend who can’t hold a job and needs you to lend him money every few months. And just like your friend, one day you take a hard look at the earth and say, it’s never going to learn responsibility if I keep bailing it out.

I won’t miss people telling me Diet Coke is even worse for you than regular Coke because of aspartame. It’s going to be such a relief when the world ends next week and those people who kept warning me of the health dangers of aspartame don’t live any longer than I do.

I won’t miss the TV show How I Met Your Mother. I still watch it out of habit even though it hasn’t been good in years. How many sharks can one TV show jump? Someone put it out of its misery and stop me from watching it.

I will have one regret: if the world had ended just a few weeks earlier, it could have spared us the last Twilight movie.

Posted in: Columns